"Relaxed, Refreshed and Resilient"

By Maximilian M. Heusler

 

 

Folks, myself and Hip-Hop Neo-conservatism have been on hiatus for the last two months plus. I have found that when one takes time off from something, growth usually occurs and some form of clarity is more or less attained. Well, growth has occurred both at my job and personally, as I have been able to close in on who and what is really important to me. I think that when ones breaks down all the contacts they have and people in their life, if they are lucky they have a core group of people where respect and love is mutual. I have found that I do have that group that fills my heart with joy and I would like to thank them sincerely for blessing my life.

 

There was a brief period of time where I did not want to continue with this web site. Contributors had sent me amazingly well written pieces and I declined to post them. I felt that if my heart was not in this it would be wrong to lead them and the two-hundred plus readers a day we were getting, the wrong way. I felt we had hit the ceiling, Bush had won an election I believed at the time to be the most important issue of my life (an election that first inspired my mad ranting) and all the praise me and some of my constituents were receiving from the conservative crowd were leading my career and personal happiness, nowhere. They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder and I have realized over the last few weeks that I love doing this, I love expressing my feelings whether it be to one reader or one million. The liberals are in our face day and night with the televised and print media, all conservatives have is the radio and Internet.

 

There was a time in my life when I was lost. I was addicted to all sorts of drugs, dishonest and living life in a morally reprehensible way. My good friend and resident Hip-Hop Neoconservatism writer Gianluca taught me about politics, Ronald Reagan and made me read books such as the Case for Faith and The Case For Christ. My life since then has been completely different for the better. Now I'm not trying to convert anyone or tell them what I believe is right and what they believe is wrong (actually, yes I am) but if I can change one person's thinking for the better and they can do the same then this column and this web site is worth the work. What I am basically saying, is we will back with a vengeance.

 

Soon we will be expressing ourselves on the Internet through a different medium and I'm not giving you a date or any crazy promises but I will leave you with this before we get into the column.............Make sure your computer has speakers!!!!

 

Now......

    

You know what? I'll be honest with you, I'm not thrilled with Harriet Miers as the supreme court nomination, I don't like the fact that George Bush spends like Ted Kennedy at a brewery where the tenth beer gives you a free drowning but nothing and I mean nothing infuriates me more then our President sitting down with Bono for lunch.........What the overused pop song? Why does anyone entertain this idiot's ideas.? God Damn it, we have real problems in this country, the last thing we need is Bono parading nonsensical solutions to world hunger, AIDS and Africa's woes that seem to never disappear, whether we help out or not and only you can make that into a racist statement......Go make whiny music that Coldplay can expertly duplicate and keep your mouth shut.....................PLEASE!!!! 

 

I'm going to speak on this briefly because I don't think it's worth much time and Rush addressed it perfectly with Sean Hannity Last night. Liberals are shooting Roman Candles off and planning vegan party's because there is debate in the conservative party at this time. Debate is good, when debate occurs strength and unity follows. Liberals instead of debating and figuring out how to win at the ballot boxes mask, sweep under the rug and fracture. I ask any liberal to look at the last thirty years and tell me when public debate has occurred in their party, I then ask the same liberal to give me Presidential election results from the last thirty years.......My point is keep your mouths shut, when grown folks are talking.

 

Great, so now not only do I have to worry about stinky terrorists blowing up subway cars with remote controlled baby carriages, I also have to worry about pigeons.....FUCKING PIGEONS.....I never liked the gray, dirty bastards anyway. They've used my balcony as a toilet and sex den for over three years and I'm finally ready to let the little bastards have it.

 

I'm not sure what exactly the PRC is up to over there but I do know if I had my pick of one person to send over there to figure it out it would most certainly Donald Rumsfeld. We can thank Nixon for China allowing such visits in the first place but yeah I know, Watergate......Got it

 

Speaking of which is anyone listening to what former FBI Director Louis Freeh is saying about President Clinton and his relationship with the Saudi's? I knew he wasn't getting all that money for his library just cause he played golf with the Crowned Prince (whatever that means) and let him win a couple of times.

 

And just for the hell of it, The number one guest to the White House during the Clinton years was.......................................Yasser Arafat. I know that has nothing to do with anything but I thought I'd just bring it up again.

 

Stupid things I've heard either directly or indirectly over the past three weeks

1. "Your Boy Bush is Dirty, read the Internet."

2. "Republicans are the real socialists they're trying to take away our rights"

3. "Girls shouldn't have to pay for anything they're girls!!!"

4. "We don't carry Nike's.......Oh wait a second, yes we do.......Wait.....Hold on let me ask the manager"

5. "Being overweight has nothing to do with health problems........."

 

Hmmmm......I think if Big Pun were alive he might argue that one with you

 

The New York Jets will always be the New York Jets................this means the big ball of fire burning in the sky, us laymen call a sun will extinguish before gang green hoists a Lombardi trophy. The answer is no, I'm not a hater just bluntly honest.

 

The Astros will not recover from that Pujols home run.

 

Is the Martha Stewart Apprentice show a joke? And if it is indeed an industry gag, isn't lasting just a little too long?

 

If studio execs had any brains or balls and wanted good television that gets ratings they would find a way to get Saddam, Lil Kim  and Dennis Kozlowski on trial together with Janice Dickinson playing the judge, jury and executioner (for Saddam at least anyway.)

 

Boy, is this season of Curb Your Enthusiasm a dud.....Good thing I waited with eager anticipation since my sixth birthday for this crap.

 

There is no doubt in my mind that Cage's Hell's Winter is the best album of the year.

 

That's it for this week, friends, a lot more to follow, God Bless you and make sure to tell someone close to you that you love them. 

 

On occasion, sometimes I believe I was never meant to be happy. It comes and goes such as an ache or mood but is at its most primitive during lonely New York nights. Now I'm not writing this to induce sympathy or give the impression that I'm unstable so that what precede this will seem more interesting. Nope folks, this is the truth. It is a blister of the soul thats festering is constant yet not always painful. I look at happy couples, successful, independent people and those who are grateful  for what they have and I wonder to myself Am I part of that world, or is my existence pre-ordained? Am I victim of self fulfilling prophecy or an unwilling player in a cosmic game?  Now the bible will tell you that Lucifer was the greatest angel in heaven but was exiled when his lust for power and jealousy of the almighty took control of his being. God cast him out of heaven after the failed coup detat and Satan became the fallen angel or morning star. So does that ever elusive thirst for greater knowledge of ones self and their origin make them satanic? Light represents knowledge, fire is the ultimate source of light. In a metaphysical sense, the closer one becomes to fire, the more peril they potentially put themselves in.

 

It is the authors belief that there exists a clandestine group in the world that is called the Illuminati amongst other names. They are covert and exist throughout the wealthiest and most affluent members of the international community. It is also the authors belief that while the Illuminati are not inwardly evil they have an ultimate quest to grasp the secrets of the universe and its origins which they chase with tenacity. They forsake spiritual belief for logic and science to a degree where even the most gut-wrenching decisions to be made on war and social science are no more then mathematical equations. Their symbols are but are not exclusive to the pyramid and eye on the back of our dollar bill and the torch that is prevalent in the United Nations and is held by Lady Liberty on Ellis Island. The seal was put on the back of the dollar bill during FDRs presidency (a 33rd degree Mason) and the statue of liberty was a gift from french Masons. Now this is not to say all Masons are members of the Illuminati or all the Illuminati are Masons, only those who prove themselves the worthiest can ever be Illuminati and over nine tenths of the Masons have no knowledge of this group.

 

It is the authors belief that the ultimate goal of this group is a one world socialist government with a universal currency and trade system. The federation they will create will replace the worship of any sort of a God (whether it be Allah, Hashem, or Christ) and the union and power it is given will eventually control everything. Now, for those who read the bible and have dabbled in the book of revelation this makes perfect sense for those who haven't curl up and prepare to experience fear its most primordial sense.

 

I am twenty six years old. I grew up on the Upper East Side of Manhattan and lived on Park Avenue until I was twelve. I have snorted cocaine with celebrities, witnessed attempted murderers, have endured near suicidal breakups, have dealt large quantities of drugs, committed multiple felonies, nearly killed myself, was addicted to oxycontin amongst other opiates, have seen humanity at its absolutely worst and have rarely if ever caught it in a shining moment. I have a drink almost every night before I go bed and stare at the empty downtown skyline with trepidation clogged in my system like a continuous lump in my throat. I wonder if I was ever meant to be happy, I can't go to sleep most nights until three or four in the morning, do you think you'll be able to sleep after hearing my story?

 

"The first angel went and poured out his bowl on the earth. Festering and ugly sores broke out on those who had the mark of the beast or worshipped the beasts' image...The ten horns on the beast represent the ten kings who have not yet been crowned"

The book of Revelation:17

 

Welcome to my world,

 

Maximilian M Heusler

Friends,

 

In case you missed it we've had a fun filled week. Avon posted a great new MP3, we impregnated an orangutan, I reviewed the sneaker of the month and have featured three distinct, hilarious columns by some of hip neo-conservative's finest all @

 

 http://max1.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

 

The emperor himself lashes out this week at everyone in "The Curtain's Come Up In The Great Hall And Down On Tom Cruises' Sanity"

 

I care less about the Hillary Clinton book then I did about the Michael Jackson trial.

 

What's the best thing about dating a homeless chick? You can drop her off, wherever.

 

I really want to sleep with an older woman this summer, any takers?

 

Anyone who is scared of killer bees is a pansy and should be banned from ever entering a military compound of any sort. They're bugs, get some Raid you wusses. Water bugs are scary though, they're so god damn big.

 

GIanluca has his way with spiritual girls and praises Joe McCarthy in "Creeping Death is Back"

 

So a lot of girls like to say they are "spiritual"? Sounds great...but I don't know if that's enough to save your soul. In other words, lighting candles and collecting crystals has no effect on morality.
 

I have been trying to make my own tee shirt. It will read Senator Joe McCarthy (R) American Hero American Icon.

If you think about it, a muffler is a car's asshole.

 

...And finally my good friend The Dishwasher Philosopher ponder's the church and porno shops in the state of Texas in "Praying for Porn"

 

First of all, I would like to know which passage of the bible quotes Jesus making rhymes about the spiritual benefits of giving up porn. Because if he did, well, he was a pretty smart guy. I mean, it's a catchy little slogan. Especially for two thousand years ago. The
Romans must have been blown away by that copy writing.
 

So we continue to get hits, attract new fans, infuriate the loony left and just in general be swollen assholes. Check for updates this weekend as well, including a special fourth of July post. Please feel free to contact me about doing something for the site, advertising or just to shoot the shit, you under heard? Coming very soon, hip hop neo-conservative wine classes taught by Gianluca, CEO' d by yours truly and shortly.....hip-hop neo-conservative tee shirts for sale on the site....Big things family, big things.....

 

Happy July 4th,

 

The Emperor,

 

Maximilian M Heusler

 

"Potato Chips and Jesus Juice, Anyone?"

By Maximilian M Heusler

 

Thank God that the Michael Jackson trial is over. Can we go back to talking about important things now like; Al Qaeda, banjo music, apple sauce, acne, retarded mimes, bread crumbs and Batman?

 

You know what I don't even care what Howard Dean says anymore just as long as he keep saying it. I don't think Dean is crazy or stupid, I just think he's letting his ego and personal feelings get in the way of what amounts to business decisions for his party. As long as he remains an emotional mess he will to continue to nosedive his party into the ground  

 

If I had told you during the first presidential debate that George Bush had a higher GPA then John Kerry how much would you have bet that I was lying? Al Gore was too smart for his own good, so was Jimmy Carter and John Kerry, so when do you dopes run a dope and finally beat us? PS....George Bush is not stupid but I stopped arguing the point along time ago, how many of you attended Yale? How many of you attended Harvard Business School? How many of you have MBA's? How many of you have ever flown a military aircraft on your own? I know it's because of his father right? That explains Neil and Marvin Bush, brilliantly.

 

I don't think Chelsea Clinton was conceived through rape but you do have to admit she is pretty ugly and the idea of the whole thing is pretty funny. I know, I know I'm out of line but Kitty Kelly can say whatever the fuck she wants and make millions.

 

I am a racist, I eat children, I support anything that furthers nuclear arm races and oh yes I drink 32 oz Margaritas. Now where did I put my nail studded banana?

 

I'm not one-hundred percent sure of what happened to that poor girl in Aruba, what I do I know is that whoever is responsible for murdering a college girl on her summer vacation should be executed, post haste. Enough of this twenty-five to life nonsense, it's time to start setting examples.

 

For instance, every day that I open The Post (you read a Ruppert Murdoch paper? Yes, I also beat hookers and swallow glass) I see some case of an animal being beaten, whether it be a ground hog, swan or dog. Execute these people and I guarantee you, these heart wrenching stories will stop soon enough.

 

Let's see, what else? Oh yeah, Katie Holmes is converting to Scientology, which tells me whatever made up religion she last subscribed to had a long hard grip on her. Maybe leaving it is how she acquired herpes scars on her mouth.

 

This Hell's Kitchen show is pretty damned good, isn't it? I would love to eat in one of this guy's restaurants. Does he seem nice? No, but the Mexican fast food joint down my block has saints working there and I've been food poisoned by these humanitarians, twice. Gordon Ramsey won't even let a disfigured pea out of his kitchen, when I'm paying four-hundred bucks for a meal so some floozy can eat and never call me again, that's where I want to do it.  

 

I guess when Russell Crowe wants to make a phone call it's best to assist him.

 

You got to love both Pedro's

 

"Bucket of yellow bottles in the club, that's Christianity"

 

I love it in Sunday mass during the sermon when a car pulls up outside the Church bumping "Back That Ass Up", "Youse a fine motherucker, why don't you back that ass up?" Yes, why don't you back that ass up? I'm positive Jesus would approve.....Trust me, I play dominoes with him every evening.

 

Yeah, that Westside Stadium was all about the Jets and now this new one is all about the Mets. Please.....Mayor Bloomberg, you'd build a new Stadium for the Town School Timber wolves if you thought it would bring the Olympic games here.  I actually kind of want the Olympic games here myself, it'll give us a chance to attack the French (I'm kidding.....kind of.)

 

Finally, a group of public health attorneys in Florida are lobbying to have cancer warnings put on bags of potato chips that contain the chemical, arcylamide, which has caused cancer in laboratory animals. I just don't know, where does it stop? Do we put warning labels on Barbecue skewers so retarded people don't poke their eyes out. Potato chips aren't good for you period. If you don't know this, a warning label on them isn't going to change your life, I mean it may save you from arcylamide but if someone can't figure out that potato chips are unhealthy what are they going to do when confronted with a stranger offering them candy, or a pack of headphones that they can't open? Let's be honest, these people are doomed, a warning label on a bag of fucking potato chips ain't gonna help shit.

 

Friends let freedom ring, the potato chips chip, God bless you and your families and God bless the United States of America. 

 

We've Got One More Name For That Enemy's List, Homey"

By Maximilian M Heusler

Ask yourself these question. Why did the same FBI and newspaper that had information linking reputed Midwest mobster, Sam Giacana, to John Kennedy and the white house refuse to release the story? Why did Newsweek refuse to break the story of Bill Clinton and the infamous intern? Why did everyone know that LBJ cavorted with more women then Tommy Lee on cocaine night a they Viper Room, only after he died? Why are the criminal pardons given by Mr Clinton and his sweat rag wife never discussed in major newspapers? Ask yourself these questions and think about the leeway Democrats are given to maneuver versus that of the Republicans....

 

Say whatever you want about Tricky Dick, his language and his cabinet but know this, our country was further divided then, then now. There were two sides: Carl Bernstein, with his long hair, black panthers who murdered policemen, communists and so-called men and women who spit on our veterans when they returned from a war that Kennedy started. The other side was Nixon, was Kissinger, was the anti-communists and was the conservatives. There was no Fox news back the, no Rush, no Anne, no Drudge, no bloggers, nothing other then a few men that saw the potential powder keg in this country and dealt with it.

 

The most ironic part of all this is how many times RNC headquarters were broken into this summer (one incident involving a gun shot) and were never mentioned in a newspaper. The D in Democrat should really stand for double standard.

 

 

What does Nixon saying Jew have to do with deep throat? Do you think if Nixon was really as anti-Semitic as the news is now making him out to be, Kissinger would respect him and feel the loyalty that he obviously does towards him? No let me guess, you have an answer to that and it's a good one, better then Henry's?

 

 

So it begins. The French and Dutch voters have rejected the European Union and in turn put the breaks on organized socialism. Socialism is sort of like the 86' Bears defense was to their opponents, one thinks it's overrated and they can deal with it, then they step out on the field with it and they realize it's a whole different ball game from initial inclinations and game tape. The funny thing is that the Constitution was rejected by all sections of the French political makeup, from Communists to right wing parties, so where does one start to ratify the 448 articles that it contains? Results of this historic vote are but not limited to: The European Union badly needing a look in the mirror and the Euro sliding to it's lowest point against the dollar this year. Jacques Chirac looked humiliated on French TV yesterday and I must say anything that humiliates Chirac, elates me. I better not even hear the word "aide" slip out of anyone's croissant hole.

 

 

The NYPD reports they will put up four-hundred hidden cameras in various high crime areas across the city. I'm so all for this and the only people who are against it are either criminals (of a felony nature) or losers who have nothing better to do then wonder how their rights might be violated if they ever stop watching Star Trek and actually go out on dates. If you're against something that will deter crime then you my friend are a traitor no if's and's or but's the next stop is not Stars Of Cheney on non-conservative businesses.

 

 

You'd think Bill Clinton could afford nicer polo style shirts with all his speech and corrupt pardon money but no, they're all ruffled and are dull colored.

 

 

Bye, bye Phoenix Suns, we hardly new ye.

 

 

Think about this, assuming you don't have ADD (which you don't because it doesn't exist) by the time you get to this point in my column, Jose Reyes could have rounded the bases a minimum of fifteen times and that's being conservative.(I swear I didn't plan that)

 

No wonder Oliver Stone thinks Nixon conspired to kill Kennedy and Cuba is a land of freedom and opportunity, he's a pill popper. Pill poppers are the most degenerate of all drug addicts, too wealthy to be murdered in a deal gone wrong and too cheap to upgrade themselves to pure heroin. Keep making those movies, Ollie, communists in this country love you!!!

 

 

The reason why it's full for so long...... cause I don't waste shit.........You're properly hit, blood in your mouth so you can taste it.

Friends,

 

Long time, no hear from, right? Wipe away those tears, uncle Max is back and he brought all the kooky conservatives he could fit in the back of his pickup truck with him. Our team just keeps getting bigger and better and soon Hip Hop Neo-Conservatism will be more then just a web site, it will be a movement. Now, I'd be stupid to think I could counter the bang-up job George Lucas did to conservatives in the new Star Wars movie (and yes, I did see it) but this week we certainly held our own in these featured articles exclusively at:

 

 http://max1.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

 

From Maximilian Heusler's "Lions, Midgets and Siths, Oh My"

 

"PBS declared "independence" this week leaving their loyalty to no political party. I'd like to tell women that I'm 6'5 and have a twelve pack, however I am what I am. PBS is what it is and what it is and it is a liberal media outlet. Let's be honest here, Sesame Street is one step away from having Grover read children The Communist Manifesto"

 

Gianluca lets liberals and Newsweek have it in "Treasonous Bastards"

 

"My point is when you liberals start talking politics with me, just know that you area robot repeating what you heard.  You only have so many limited liberal cliches that you can spit out with fake manufactured rage. This is why after you liberals get proved wrong you jump around from bashing Bush, to taxes, to Nixon, to oil, to animal rights, to  "global warming", to the "religious right" etc etc. Speaking of the "religious right", if it does exist then first of all who cares and then second, why is there no mention of an atheist left? You hypocrites.
Just know that I know that you know shit about shit.Take that smelly homey"

 

Kirsten S tells you her take on corporate mothers in "A Woman's Choice"

 

"Another group of women I have trouble with are the ones who found  emptiness in their lonely corporate world…and decide to have a baby at the amazing age of 45. It is not a mystery that having a child at that age is a complete risk, to the mother and the baby. It is an utterly selfish act that is almost unforgivable. Why not adopt, give a child who is already born and healthy a happy home. No, these women are making a statement… they conquered the business world, and now, they will conquer the world of babies. Too bad it is not as glamorous as they had hoped"

 

And Lauren Buglino tells us why Candy Land is only the second best board game in "Games I Wish I Could Still Play"

 

".....Then there was Gloppy, who lived in the chocolate swamp, and was a blob of chocolate pudding. The object of the game was to make it around the board up the gumdrop trail, through the peppermint forest to the one and only King Candy, who lived in a castle made of ice cream cones and cotton candy, some life. His daughters were Princess Lollipop who grew oversized lollypops in a garden, and Princess Frostine, who, I assumed lived in a castle made of frosting. This game was and still is the best children’s game ever, even though they have now replaced Peanut Brittle with Grandma Nut, and Plumpy with Mama Ginger Tree, how dare they! Why do I even know this?"

 

It's just the beginning my friends and degenerate enemies. Soon I will be unveiling Hip Hop Neo-Conservatism's secret weapon, our version of the Death Star, the Italian Ann Coulter.......coming soon!!!!

 

Thank you to Kinko's for only wasting three days of my life this week!!!!

 

Maximilian M Heusler

Editor/ Hip-Hop Neo Conservatism

 

 

If I was a millionaire I would only drink Amarone and I would only eat bone marrow and foie gras. I would only date women that could debate me without me laughing and I would only wear clothing from Italy and H&M. I would only drive German cars and I would only listen to myself talk because after all I'm the millionaire. I would devise pipelines to infuriate liberals and wear fur to make me feel better about myself. I would chew percosets like tic tacs and bathe myself in lavender water and Cristal. If I was a millionaire.......

 

 

Finally this week, the University of Oregon published " A Top Ten List Of Reasons Not To Kill President Bush" in the school paper, penned by a Ms.Jennifer McBride. The list included nonsense like "A dead President Bush leaves Dick Cheney in charge and criticism of the administration will look more unpatriotic then ever." Jennifer, I could write a list of top ten reasons why you'll never have sex with a man who loves you, or why the Democrats will never win another Presidential election but I'll just use your little list as the number one reason. No one wants to hear a bunch of whiney spoiled brats like you and your liberal college friends talk about grown person issues over beer bongs and date rape drugs. The hate you have for President Bush and the valiant administration is what has left you, Michael Moore and the MTV generation in the political equivalent of no man's land, literally. Everyday that you uneducated (and college is not education) ungrateful, atheists open your mouth, you do a better job then me, Gianluca, or for that matter Rush Limbaugh could ever do for our party, you show all the undecided's and open minded's the true nature of our opponent. Thank you so much for that. Keep writing, you're boring and stupid, you very well could be the next Maureen Dowd. Enjoy the tepid temperature that you're life is destined to stay at.

 

 

Friends let freedom ring, God bless Tricky Dick and the demented whistle blower, God bless you and your families and God bless the United States of America.

 

 

What up extended family and worthless liberal losers. Your boy went to the candy shop (without fifty) and brought back two treats for all of you to enjoy so take a taste and pass it on to the next man, no need to be greedy, there's plenty of hip-hop neo-conservatism to go around.

 

Observations from L Boogie: L Boogie is what all you writing chicks in NYC want to be. She's funny but she's not going out of her way to be that way, nor talking about that date last night to get a few laughs. She's got that obnoxious humor that all you who know me have learned to come to expect and love. This week L Boogie takes on you on a guided tour through some of ebay's more bizarre items. So take a look you never know when you may need a baby shark or better yet a haunted doll. I'm shoving the chips to the center of the table on this one if you like me, you'll love L Boogie.

 

Speak For Yourself. I thought I could scorch liberals with five alarm speed but after reading GianLuca's "Speak For Yourself" I once again realize how worthless I am. If I was one of you dudes and every day I thank the God, you don't believe in that I'm not, I wouldn't no where to start arguing. Somebody get a carbine and whack this dude quick, cause if what he says ever gets out to all of America, it's a wrap your fantasies.

 

Without further interruption I present to you both of these features@

 

http://max1.blogs.friendster.com/my_blog/

 

It was a big week but we're growing and getting more players on the team. I'm telling you all now, magazines, editors, advertisers, nothings, get down with us now before we're bossing you dudes around. I'm not going away and even though, I've gotten a few death threats over the past weeks, I'm big enough in the streets to handle it and I thought liberals didn't like guns, something about a movie with a big fat whale running through Colorado making lies up. You son dullahs, can't even shoot the shit, so please fall back......

 

Holler at your boys (and girls, we didn't forget Lauren and Kristine)

 

Hip-Hop Neo Conservative's 33rd degree Illuminatist

Maximilian Mauro Heusler

 

Are You Guys, Syria's (serious)?
By Maximilian Heusler

 

If any countries got it coming in the next year or two its Syria. Now lets forget that they've made our little campaign in Iraq a lot harder then its had to be by letting insurgents float in and out of their sweat box of a country. We can even push their part in the assassination of Lebanon's prime minister to the side, if you seriously jeopardized any peace plans between Israel and Palestine. So where does it end?  When do we stand up to that balloon shape headed whack a do and his nation of terrorists? When do we liberate Syria's people from a madman and give them the same freedom the Iraqis were able to feel when they came out in droves to vote, defying every doubter who argued they didn’t care about their freedom?

 

I know... I know Im a neologism nation building, evil fascist right? But, you know what? The guy I voted for won and your guy lost, chew on that you liberal losers.

 

You know what else? The same people who are going to write me and say that Israel has no proof that Syria was involved in the blast are the same ones who think Massed was responsible for September 11th. They're anti-Semitic and they're everywhere, but to them its not being prejudiced its seeing things from all angles. Well, you know what I see things from all angles to and after years and years of terrorism, bombings and violent dictatorships, the only way to bring peace to the Middle Eastern region is to democratize it. Ask Japan how our intervention worked out for them when they were imperialists. Is it possible that Japan is better off now? You wouldn't have thought that six weeks are the bombing of Hiroshima though, would you have? Maybe, just maybe you peaceful, organic eating, socialists don't have the crystal balls you think you do? Is that possible?

 

I'm glad that Thomas I'm an expert on the Middle East Friedman was so positive about Bush's undertakings in that region on Meet The Press, Sunday. However, when you have two writers from the New York Times praising this administration’s undertakings, you know there’s going to be one that has to spill lemon juice on everything. Behold, Maureen Dowd as defiant as dashing, still cooing about the President lying to the American people, still unwilling to admit that maybe things are turning in a positive light and still as bitchy and unmarried as ever. Thomas Friedman spent years in the Middle East studying their political climate, William Safire (who was also on the panel) was Richard Nixon’s favorite speech writer and what is Dowd’s claim to fame before The Slimes picked her up? Reporting about the sports (if you can call them that) squash and table tennis for The Washington Compost. Go fucking figure! 

 

Saddam Hussein standing trial in a Hannibal Lecter type cage, is something I really want to see. Maybe that’ll give him some time to think about the babies he gassed and women’s tounges he cut out. Human right, nutcases, I don’t want to hear anything from you on this one. Go hike and eat dates or something, okay?

 

Vladimir Putin didn’t look to happy with W this week but can he blame him? Slowly but surely the Ruskies are up to their old tricks and they just expect us to sit by and look the other way because our focus is now directed towards Islamic Fundamentalism. However, with red China as bold as ever, North Korea continuing to thumb their noses as civilization and Russia quietly rebuilding, maybe this communism thing isn’t as dead as some of would like to believe. As far as Reagan buried it, eight years of Uncle Bill certainly didn’t affirm that the coffin was nailed shut and if we don’t nip it in the bud now the next fifty years could be like those Nightmare On Elm Street movies, starring communism as Freddy. Just a thought and something to watch out for.  

 

This week, former Secretary of State, Colin Powell declared that Donald Rumsfeld reference to an “old and new Europeâ€� was an unfortunate characterization. Everyone knows that there was a huge difference of opinion between the Pentagon and the State Department that probably has begun to heal now that Ms. Rice is running the show. Powell is right about that being an unfortunate characterization if it was up to me I’d refer to that shameful block of the world that stupid Manhattan fashionistas like to emulate as “old worthless Europeâ€� and “new socialist, more worthless, Europeâ€�. Go ahead, tell me I’m wrong.   

 

You know they guy who hacked into Paris Hilton’s sidekick and Fred Durst’s phone? They shouldn’t jail this guy or execute him. Hell, he shouldn’t even be fined, what we should do is make this guy work for the CIA, harness his powers for good and put him on Bin Laden’s smelly ass.

 

I’ve got to say it one more time. The Passion of Christ made more money then the five films nominated for best picture put together. However, it didn’t score one major nomination. Do you know why? It’s because all the studio executives that said Mel Gibson would go bankrupt don’t want to look wrong. It’s because a few critics saw a film that was strictly the interpretation of the gospel as being anti-Semitic and I’ll say it right here, it’s because a movie about Jesus Christ could never gain accolade in a socialist, atheist, left wing lunatic city like Hollywood.  The same people that didn’t vote for this movie are the same ACLU loving, child pornographers, that become elated when Holiday decorations have to be taken down. They are the enemies of the founding fathers of this country and enemies to the preservation of the constitution that they framed. That’s not my opinion, that’s a fact.    

 

With that said, I’m glad Jamie Foxx won, and I’m glad Million Dollar Baby mopped up awards the way it should have, even though it was the most depressing move I’ve ever seen. I’m sure these awards will rejuvenate box office attendance for the aforementioned films but don’t sell yourself short and please make sure you go watch Sideways.

 

I’ll tell you this much, after the barrage of trades that came down at the NBA deadline, the Sixers have to got to be the favorite to win the Eastern Conference. Not only did they acquire Chris Webber but Jamal Mashburn as well and he if ever gets healthy, the Sixers are going to be a formidable team (that is if Iverson allows them to be.) My Knicks did nothing other then add mediocre ball players, bad draft picks and more salary. After initially predicting they would have the second best record in the East I now have to admit I’ve become a doubting Thomas, Isaiah Thomas that is.

 

Well, I think I can safely say that if I ever do something I’m ashamed of, Jose Canseco will not the be that man that I will confide in.

 

I still couldn’t care less about those God damn gates in Central Park.

 

Finally, in London on Saturday night, passengers of the South Eastern Train System had to flee and duck in terror as members of a violent street gang ran through the cars smashing over one hundred windows with lead pipes. Train service has been interrupted and the cars have all needed to be sent out for repair, making rush hours chaotic. Now, I ask you, is that also art?    

 

Friends let freedom ring, the nation builders chisel and construct away, God Bless you and your families and God Bless the USA.
 

 

Bet Your Bottom Euro...

"Bet Your Bottom Dollar That The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow......Actually Bet Your Euro"

By Maximilian Heusler

Now I'm not an expert on the American economy, hell I cant understand why the prices of subway sandwiches often fluctuate but I know its not a good thing when Warren Buffet makes millions of dollars betting against the dollar. Buffet has warned shareholders in a letter that the US trade deficit risks creating a "sharecroppers society" and continues speaking in bearish tones about the value of the Washington. In fact in Mr. Buffets annual report two pages are dedicated to warnings about United State

s trade deficit and the need to finance it with foreign investment.

One thing I do know is that the socialist European Union loves our currency falling in value to their illuminati marked Euro and somehow, someway these bastards are trying to bankrupt us. Keep your eye on it.

Martha Stewart was released from prison this week and it has been reported that the chestnut flour community is thrilled. I care more about the scuff I developed on my Prada trainer sneakers then anything that could possibly happen in Martha Stewarts life but what do I know, I still smoke weed and eat Starbursts.

It was reported out of Iraq this week that Osama Bin Laden has pleaded with Zarqawi to focus attacks on the United States homeland. Im confused. Wasnt Bin Laden always focusing his attacks on the United States homeland, isnt that why we actually have a Homeland Security Department?

And in case you didn’t hear. The train bombing team that blew up cars in Madrid, Spain had sketches of Grand Central Station stored on their computers. This is why we have to remain vigilant and continue the amazing work on terrorism that we are doing. Just because we haven’t heard from Al-Qaeda in a few years doesn’t mean we won’t wake up one morning to a declaration of a state of emergency or even worse.

Guess, whos the forerunner to be the next head of the world bank? Thats right, the liberals favorite, Straussian, neo con, Paul "let me just comb my hair with this saliva" Wolfowitz, himself. He used to just run your wars, now hes got your money. Hot damn, Im excited!!!!

Hillary Clinton confirmed this week that she may be visiting North Korea with other US senators on behalf of South Korea. I'm confirming that shell fit in great with atheist, child murdering, psychopaths who dress in womens clothing.

Am I the only human being in the northern hemisphere that couldn’t care less about the Michael Jackson trial? The accuser has more credibility problems then Suge Knight and the accuse is a nutbag who has admitted to letting chimps sleep in his bed with him. Just convict or acquit somebody, quickly please.

I dont know what the New York Jets were thinking. The smart move would have been to have kept Lamont Jordan and dumped the admitted alcoholic, non-showing up in big game John Abraham because trust me when I say I promise that he’s only going to bring on more problems. My Giants better sign a big receiver i.e. Plaxico Buress now that they’ve cut Ike "turf toe" Hillard. Why did we draft Eli Manning if we can’t get him anyone to throw the ball to?

Does anyone really watch spring training baseball?

Has hip hop replaced the WWF? Because there’s no way anyone can keep up with all these crazy beefs, "Yo he disssed my homeboy’s mama!," "That’s because he looked at my sneaker the wrong way," "Yeah but that’s because he didn’t shout out my new pit bull on that record he made with Crack master C." For Christ’s sake your making millions of dollars speaking about nonsense, enjoy it and stop shooting each other over things three year olds tell on each other about!!!!!

It feels really good to have web sites I’ve never heard of making up things about me. You know what means? It means I’m getting to them.

And no I did not sell secrets to the Russians although your heroes probably did.

I can not stand apple juice but damn it, I’m an official fan of Apple Snapple juice drink. Especially, when it’s mixed with Fris apple vodka.

Big up to all my new readers out there, enjoy and know that I love to hear from everyone, fans and foes alike, so never hesitate to email. The best thing about this country is the healthy debate that we have.

And finally CNN reported this week that the government plane in which Bill Clinton and George HW Bush toured in for tsunami relief appearances had one large bedroom and another room with only tables and chairs. Bush, 80, said Clinton offered him the bedroom so that he could lie flat and avoid paining his body. The next morning Bush awoke early to see Clinton sleeping on the floor...That Clinton can be one hell of a guy, when he’s not raping, marrying a nut, or destroying out foreign policy...Good old uncle Bill.

Friends let freedom ring, the haters keep sipping that cold haterade, God bless you, your families and God bless The USA.

œNorth Korea Is A Sovereign Nation...And Other Bedtime Storiesâ€�
By Maximilian Mauro Heusler

 

Raise you hand, if you think somewhere, sometime down the road the United States and North Korea are going to settle business, if you get my drift.

 

Speaking of “axis of evil� nations, who’s ready to shut up Iran? We’ve already got unmanned drone spy planes patrolling Iranian airspace, looking for evidence of WMDs. Is it possible that these planes can also drop horrible bombs and missiles? Because if it is, I think we’re in business.

 

Now, I don’t know about you guys but I’m pretty excited about the new “super� strain of the AIDS virus that becomes full blown in just three months. If I get AIDS somehow, I want the whole ordeal over with quick, I’m hoping for smelly, oozing, bloody lesions within a week, none of this banquet dinner, slowly depleting white blood cell count crap for me. I prefer it short and sweet just like a good Japanese hooker.

 

Last week in Germany over 8,000 neo-Nazis waving black flags and carrying banners participated in marches and rallies to degrade the 60th official anniversary of the fierce ally bombings of Dresden. Germany is now a nation with it’s highest unemployment rate in over fifteen years and a major bloc of extreme skinhead hate groups. So again I ask you, is it still not a coalition if Germany is not involved? 

 

What’s with these weird, Lewis Carroll like orange gates in Central Park? I was walking my dog the other day and God Damn it if I didn’t think I was having an acid flashback.

 

Why are so many liberals, single losers who feel as if life screwed them over somewhere along they way? They blame the stock market, booze, George Bush, republicans and hell they even blame God. They blame everyone except for themselves. 

 

The Democratic Party should return to it’s greatness now that Howard “bet, I can out scream you� Dean’s running the show. While we’re at it, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you, it’s not too sturdy but with proper maintenance it should be up and running within a couple of decades. Just like your party HA HA HA HA HA!!!!

 

God Damn it, I’m funny. 

 

Boy, the NBA season is really exciting this year, isn’t it?

 

Hasn’t this steroid thing in baseball gotten a little out of control? Let’s just blame George Bush for it....................oh wait, you know what? They already have. First George Bush was just a stooge sitting as Texas Ranger President, eating peanuts, drinking beer and being set up to get rich by his father. Now he knew the team and it’s operations so intimately that he had knowledge of which players were doing steroids and didn’t do anything to stop it. I can’t prove it yet but remember that fight between the Pistons and the Pacers that resulted in players rioting in the stands?  Well.....There’s an S in Pistons and Pacers and an S in Bush’s name, need I say more?

 

Does anyone care if Barry Bonds breaks the Home Run record this year? It’s like Kim-Il Jong winning handsomest man award in North Korea.

 

Twenty years ago, Sarah Scantlin became the victim of a drunk driver who accidently struck her as she walked to her car. She suffered heavy nerve and brain damage and Sarah and has not been able to speak since 1984, that is until last week. Sarah called her overjoyed parents last week and after twenty years of futility looks to be on the path to recovery. This is miraculous and our hearts should all warm for Sarah Scantlin and her family. However I am a little confused, I mean John Kerry was speaking well and actually walking during his whole campaign and nobody made a big deal of that.
      
Oh relax, people, it’s just a column.

 

Yeah, you’re not a loser if you purchase a Barbara Boxer thong from Air America Radio...

The still hold the Grammy s?

 

I finally rented Ray and was blown away by Jamie Foxx’s performance. Although it sounds horribly cliche, you really forget you’re watching an actor and believe you’re watching the legend himself. I could have done without Julian “the right wing is the Taliban� Bond appearing at the end, though.

 

I’ll admit that Million Dollar Baby was well done but I’m not sure if wanting to cut my wrists after seeing a movie is a good thing? Unless I was Kirsty Alley.

 

I got to tell you, I’m starting to think Teri Hatcher is hotter then Eva Longoria. I’m sure they’ll both be thrilled to hear my most recent take on their levels of beauty.

 

Who else likes Yuca as much as me? If God made a better alternative to a potato, him, Jesus and Ronald Reagan must be enjoying them in heaven together.

 

If my left arm gets numb, every ten minutes, okay ever six minutes, is that bad?
 
Let’s see, what else? There was a horrible fire this week in the high rise next to mine and although I’m not sure if anyone died, I got to tell you I was not pleased with the smell it left in my apartment.

 

To everyone that reads this and enjoys it, spread it around just like that new fun, afore mentioned AIDS virus. I want to thank everyone that’s been loving my column since day one and to those who planted the seeds, are you happy what you’ve grown? Anyway big up all my fans, papi loves you as much as you all love me and to the haters, I’ve got four years to keep the next Democrat out of office, demean the ACLU, release my Mexican combination lunches on Al Franken and to fight terrorism, despotism and liberalism the way I choose to do so, in other words get used to this handsome, manicured Italian love stud.

 

Friends, let freedom ring, God Bless you, your families, Kim Il Jong and his urine stained clothing and God Bless the United States of America.

 

One L
 

 

 

State Of The Union?....Good, Pretty Damn Good
by Max Heusler

 

I thoroughly enjoyed Bush's state of the union address and my eyes welled up when I saw Sergeant Norwoods mother hugging the Iraqi voter whose father was one of Saddams casualties. Do you Bush haters and Iraqi war doubters, think the Iraqi people still don't value their freedom or are at  the very least not enamored by it? Maybe they're just too dumb to understand what freedom is? Not like you guys......you guys have degrees in social science, art history, communications and have seen Roots multiple times, so you fully comprehend the plight of oppressed people right?  

 

You say the elections are a sham, as well? And you know this because?

 

What if you guys are wrong? Will you be big enough to admit it?

 

Why is it that in a capitalist nation, were so against the privatization of things? I'm willing to take control and responsibility over the money I'm going to need to live on when I'm a senior citizen (I don't think Ill ever get that far but whatever) why aren't you? You do know Bush didn't even have to touch this topic, right? Clinton didn't. He just said it was going to be a mess. That's really grabbing the old bull by the horns, isn't it? Do me a favor (and yes this is going to require some work on your par,. Ill help you a little) go look at the effects of the privatization of social security in Chile and parts of Texas and tell me how its working out, okay?

 

Speaking of Clinton or should I say Robert Chambers, Donald Rumsfeld admitted that he offered Bush his resignation twice during the ridiculous Abu Ghraib made up prison scandal and the President refused it, both times. Do you think Clinton would have refused a resignation like that or would he have tossed old Rummy under the first bus carrying interns rocking g strings and buckets of KFC?

 

More people watched American Idol Wednesday night, then the state of the union and the ironic part of this is that those same people who didn't watch Bush's speech are going to be the ones that tell me why it was a bad speech and didn't make any sense.

 

Someone told my friend this week that Bush is dumb and when asked why, explained that the faces he makes displays his lack of his IQ. That's a great argument and one I admit I have to pay more attention to. 

 

I'm all for freedom of speech, after all look at my column, but when you start comparing the victims of September 11th, to Nazis, nobody has to like you and aren't we allowed to fire back? Isn't that what freedom of speech really is? I think if the real Churchill were asked about the Nazis he'd describe them a little differently then that pony-tailed anarchist did

 

German unemployment jumped to its highest rate since World War II this month. Should America and Israel warn all Jews to leave now or should we wait until the beer halls start filling up with psychopaths with funny mustaches again? Do you guys still really think we need them in our coalition? Just for my general curiosity.....

 

France stated this week that they want to start anew with America. I don't know about you but, I'm thrilled, actually I wasn't sleeping well since the smelly bastards started throwing shots our way. Isn't it funny, how this olive branch comes after a successful election in Iraq, Looks like someone doesn't want to be on the wrong side of history, again! 

 

If you ask Bin Ladens #2 man, Ayman Al Zawhari, hell tell you that holy wars not elections,  is the only way that the middle east can be reformed. These people are completely bat shit. They eat war for breakfast, lunch and dinner and were just supposed to sit by, nod our heads with our thumbs in our ears? That's the Nancy Pelosi method of dealing with psychopaths not the Don Rumsfeld way. God Damn it, Nancy and Teddy I'm sorry to interrupt your hangover but killing lots of them is the only way to deal with these people,  you try understanding them, I'm sticking with the guys with M-16's.

 

I'm not the type of guy to tell you told you so but with regards to the Patriots winning the Super bowl, I TOLD YOU SO. Really though, congratulations to the Patriots, a classy organization who have classy fans, as well. Philly fans, screw you, you got what you deserve, get ready for a lot more of it.

 

Does Ted Kennedy know he's a dinosaur senator, who only communists and failed Presidential communists listen to?

 

Has the Apprentice finally worn out its welcome?

 

Does anyone want to offer me a job for 40k plus? We all know I'm smart.

 

Why is all new music, whack music?

 

If you ever come to New York, don't eat as Casa La Femme North on East 58th street, they'll rip you off and the wears a cheap suit.

 

While, were on food, now that Subway sandwich shops have taken away their daily $2.50 sub special, is there ever a reason to go back there? If I'm going to pay five bucks to get a sandwich I'm convinced I can do better then a sandwich that tastes like every other sandwich offered at the deli.

 

Friends, let freedom ring, Professor Churchill rot in hell, Gob less you and your families and may God bless the United States of America................yes, even Ted Kennedy.

 

 

A Bad Week for Liberals........ A Great Week for Freedom
By Maximilian Mauro Heusler

 

Well, Sundays Iraqi election went pretty well. Sixty-one percent of the country voted and that's a hell of a lot better then we did here. Some of you lazy swine, didn't vote because of long lines, what if you had to dodge sniper bullets, car bombs, and suicide bombers? The insurgents even went so far as to have strapped a bomb to one boy with down syndromes, tell him he'd be okay and then proceeded to detonate the young man. If you can't see why we need to eliminate these people from the face of the earth, then you should just join them, because there's no hope for you either.

 

PS...... If a whole nation not voting makes an election illegitimate then Abraham Lincoln was not really elected for his second term and the Emancipation Proclamation is not legally binding, nor is Clintons second term when less then half the nation felt compelled to cast a ballot.

 

The Bill to raise severance pay for families of dead soldiers from a measly $12,000 to a more reasonable $100,000 is long overdue but still really isn't enough. The wives and children of these people should never have to work again, especially when a shlub like John Kerry doesn't have to.......speaking of which

 

Did anyone see the spandex sporting wind surfer on Meet The Press this weekend? Did anyone tell him he lost the election? Did he think the Inaugural was for him? He thinks Iraq was safer before the US invasion, I think he must have been saner before the Teresa invasion.

 

Everyone made fun of their favorite neo-con (myself included), Paul Wolfowitz, when he said that the Iraqis would be building a statue of George Bush one day. Yet, Ali Fadel, the new mayor of Baghdad had this to say yesterday he will build a statue for Bush, for he is the symbol of our freedom. Its starting to look like the Neo-architects of the earth weren't as evil, nor Straussian as all liberals would like to believe.

 

Okay, anyone, who sits there and nods in agreement when Ted Kennedy gives a speech should be treated just like the followers of the Manson family, Branch Dividians, or those sick bastards that rocked Air Nikes and whacked themselves so the space ship people could come and take them to Nirvana. They're all insane, for Kennedy to say that out troops are the problem in Iraq is like me saying that the people in the World Trade Center on September 11th were the aggressors, not our Allah loving friends with the box cutters.

 

Hillary Clinton collapsed this week while giving a speech on..................Ah, who gives a shit? 

 

I hope Michael Jackson can bring those $400,000 Louis XVIII vases into his cell in the protective custody wing of San Quentin prison.

 

Did you hear about this Slovak dude who was trapped in his car under an avalanche and drank sixty bottles of beer to urinate himself out of the snow? Richard Kal was successful in his attempt and I'm ready to produce the film. I'm thinking a cross between Animal House, Alive and Cast Away. Whose ready to invest with me and make some paper?...Anyone?

 

Sideways was as believable of a film as I've ever seen. In addition, it really makes you want to drink wine. Just no fucking Merlot!!!!

 

Okay, I guess I have to go see Million Dollar Baby.

 

I rented Super Size Me this weekend and although it was entertaining to see someone intentionally ruin their life (since I've unintentionally ruined mine for twenty-six years) it didn't teach me anything new. McDonalds is garbage, if you don't want to be fat or unhealthy don't eat it, if you do, then don't sue them because just you're a no-self control having overweight liberal slob. If anything we should sue you, your driving up health care costs!!!! You tank top wearing, trailer trash, super gulp drinking, heathens.

Alfred Gonzalez was arrested for putting glass in a police officers Big Mac sandwich in a New Jersey McDonalds. Someone, should have just told that if he wanted to kill the officer he could have just given him coupons for unlimited Big Macs, that way he could kill him and he wouldn't have to go to jail (Disclaimer: Maximilian Mauro Heusler is not advocating violence against police officers and in fact is only advocates violence against Arabs who clamor about infidels)

 

If the Patriots don't win the Super Bowl this Sunday and Tom Brady doesn't win MVP, I'll write a column about politics and pop culture every week for the rest of the year, just for your enjoyment.

 

Stephon Marbury, said he was the best point guard in the league, last month. My boy lives on 35th and tenth and he's got game. Right now Steph might not even be the best point guard in Hells Kitchen. 

 

You know, now that I think about it, there hasn't been hockey in awhile, has there?

 

I wanted Carlos Delgado on the Mets badly and I do mean badly but in a way I'm relieved he went to the Marlins. I would have been really irritated every time the National Anthem was sung and he just sat there on his $15 million a year-misinformed ass.

 

Friends, let freedom ring, here in Iraq and wherever evil dictator ships may exist and God Bless the USA, the last country that seems to care these days....

 

 

Hail Hitler....oh yeah and a...uh....Dubonet, please!
By Max Heusler

 

I'd say its safe to assume that the United Jewish Appeal Federation won't be sending Prince Harry a pledge card for the 2005 campaign. Seriously though, I'm sure duke had a hard life but I know plenty of cats that have dealt with tremendous hardship and they don't play dress up in Nazi uniforms while downing port. I don't think he should just visit Auschwitz I think he should spend some time in an oven, not enough to kill the bloke, just enough to crisp up those rough edges.

 

Well, we're on Nazis what was Ted Turner thinking when he likened Fox news to Hitler? I mean a company can't be a person, if he likened the station to the SS well then the nut fuck would have my ears?

I'm glad to see that Barbara Boxer was respectful and didn't bring Condis concern for the truth into the senate confirmation hearings....What qualifies her to comment on the effectiveness or legality of an international conflict? Was it her six years as head of the PTA in California? This is a woman who cried when Bush won the election, shouldn't there be a senate hearing for her ability to do her job in an unbiased not mentally unstable manner?

 

While we're on the confirmation hearings, shouldn't John Kerry be ashamed of being on the committee? I mean his arch nemesis is about to be confirmed and heres John being furniture for a confirmation that would occur even if the senators found out that Condi was really a three headed spider. This is a man that has issues. 

Is Condi confirmed yet? 

Does somebody have Dan Rather on a suicide watch?

In the boy you're schizophrenic topic of the week: the wonderfully consistent nation of North Korea told a visiting US Congressional delegate that the Dune like state of no electricity or food was ready to treat the United States like a friend if we wouldn't slander the rule of leader Kim Il Jong. How sweet of them!!! All this just a week after they told their people to prepare for a nuclear war with America. I'll tell you, I'm starting to love these kooky communists myself.   

Okay, I'll take a conservative President that you all hate for the four next years and you guys can wear your baby blue condolence bracelets, fair trade right?  

Is it amusing to you that Ted Kennedy has a problem with using water torture on suspected terrorists, or is it just me?

Well, Michael Moore remained consistently retarded this week while he accepted his peoples choice award for best dramatic film. Moore dedicated his victory to the troops overseas even though those who watched the film know that around a fifth of it was spent trying to make our soldiers looks like the Huns spreading rape and pillage throughout Eastern Asia. I told you before, the fatter he gets, the more insane he gets. There has to be some sort of correlation between Krispy Creme doughnuts and dementia.

Sean Penn, an actor whos always been open to criticism, says those who have issues with his form of activism should shove their opinions up their asses. Which is good because its been twenty-six years now and I've never had anything shoved up my ass so my opinion of Penn seems like a great non homosexual way to start.

Kobe's face when he twisted his ankle must of resembled the face of the woman whom he......oh you know what? Not this week.

Randy Moss is one classy football player. Honestly, hes an ass (no pun intended) I think we can all agree on that but how the hell is Joe Buck going to act like holier then thou, when the network writing his paycheck broadcasts Whos Your Babies Daddy? and Meth and Red  a modern minstrel show? You want to act like your Michael Powell, Joe? Well then decline your next paycheck, otherwise stick to baseball.

Just remember I repeatedly stated that Tom Brady would be holding the MVP trophy, come a week from Sunday.

I liked that biggest loser show but I was pulling for Maurice to win, simply because he needed it the most.

The best show in 2004 was HBOs The Wire, I don't care what the Golden Globes said.
 
The only episodes of American Idol that are worth watching are the first ones where people make asses out of themselves trying to sound like the Back Street Boys. Once Fox starts trying to turn the duds into pop stars the show gets garbage like. .  

Anchorman was hilarious.

Again, the Aviator was good.......but not that good.

Nominations for the Passion of the Christ......going once, going twice.... 

I think by the time I receive a check for my computers mail in rebate I'll be able to buy a Pentium 28.  

Finally, this Sunday millions of Iraqis will be able to take place in a fair and democratic election. They will be able to help shape their own fate and they're exited about that. Liberal windbags are so greedy and self serving that they can't even admit that an election in a free and democratic Iraq, is an amazing, historical event. I am not on that team and I would like to Thank God and the men and women in the United States Armed Forces for sacrificing their lives for the spread of democracy and freedom. I mean it when I say it, God Bless you all of you and your families and God Bless the United States of America

One Love

 

Welcome back, welcome back, welcome back By Max Heusler   Why thank you   First and foremost Id like to extend my sincerest condolences to the families and friends of the tsunami victims. This should show all of us how delicate life is and how much we should cherish what we have before we become part of God’s plans. Im counting down the seconds before George Bush and his environmental policies are blamed for this tragedy but am holding on to hope that politics will not come in to play here. Finally this should give anyone who has already learned, the impetus to get into a swimming pool with an instructor. Ill take my chances being able to breath stroke, rather then not being able to.   Senator Joe Lieberman (a respectable democrat) proposed a thirty million dollar global tsunami warning system that would include buoys, wave gauges, and seismic sensors. This seems like a good idea to me and a value at that, after all at least give me a good thirty minutes to inflate my water wings and don my goggles.   Its funny how the International community basically criticized the US relief role in the disaster before good old Colin Powell even got the dollar amount out of his mouth. Its ironic isnt it? The world needing the United States and then smearing us when they dont get their way, where have I seen that before....by George its a pattern.   Its wonderful how the Chinese, a nation of a billion people and a booming economy gave a whopping ten million dollars to the relief effort. Thats a rate of ten cents per person so who said communists swine weren'tt generous?   We cant get mad at the tribesmen in the Nicobar Islands who shot arrows at our relief helicopters, after all they probably thought the choppers were killer metal birds the God of water sent because it didn’t receive enough lamb sacrifices this season.   My favorite failure of a human being, John Kerry added to his brilliant collection of quotes by lamenting this about the 04' election “ we didn’t loose the election, we just didn’t winâ€� now as I’ve stated before I’m not a physicist, hell sometimes just getting MP3's into my player makes me feel like I’m retarded but I was always under the impression that if you enter a competition and you don’t win it, or even tie it for that matter, then you lose it, unless you’re disqualified in which case you still lose. It’s good though that Kerry has finally faced facts and decided he didn’t “lose the electionâ€� because that certainly shows he’s on the road to acceptance.   Theres that damn Patriot Act again being used to disturb ones privacy and castigate an honorable man. I mean to have used it to catch someone who was innocently using a laser pointer to attempt to blind pilots while trying to land commercial airliners, where will the madness of John Ashcroft end? To be honest with you, Im scared to walk into the Virgin Mega store and buy a pornographic movie, what if the men with dark sunglasses take me away?    Speaking of attorney generals, when it was the good old covering statue days of Mr. Ashcroft, I remember hearing from some extremely paranoid liberals, that they'd prefer anyone to the Pentecostals but now look at how hard Dems are trying to block Alberto Gonzalez, if I was Bush Id make Ashcroft stay on, just to piss these losers off, “Don’t like my new guy, okay then will stay with Mr. Patriot Act himself, how do you like that one, friends? North Korea kicked the New Years off in a very friendly way by warning the world of a possible nuclear showdown between their fantasy land island of death and disaster and the United States. Somebody should really tell Kim Il to lay of the egg nog spiked with Llama piss.   Can it be long before the Yankees payroll surpasses our national debt?   Say whatever you want about his age or arm but to me the Mets signing of Pedro Martinez is a good thing and will at the least put butts back in the seats at Shea. Make Beltran a Met, Omar!!!!!   Okay another bold prediction here, the New York Knicks will finish the season with the second best record in the Eastern Conference, behind the Heat.   Remember Max said it, Tom Brady will be holding that MVP trophy at the end of the super bowl this year, Pittsburgh is as our arab friends say, a paper tiger.   The Aviator was a decent, interesting film but anytime I have to sit in a movie theater for over two and a half hours and think a movie is going to end on three separate occasions, it wears my patience, actually it whittles my patience, yes, whittle is a better word.   Those New Years day Twilight Zone marathons sure make the hangovers easier to bear, don’t they?    People just really dont like Ashlee Simpson, huh?   Hey, by the way, if anyone out there is worthless enough to care Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt split up after seven years of marriage. Reportedly, Pitt will spend his new free time continuing trying to look cool, while eating apples in seven hundred dollar custom made Italian shirts and Aniston will continue with the show, Friends.....oh no wait.....actually Aniston will.....well, good luck Jennifer.   Friends, let freedom ring, rest safe your boy is back and God Bless America. | |     "Psst ask him this if you really want to piss him off" By Maximilian Heusler Now I understand that the question asked to Don Rumsfeld about vehicle armor was valid, drew a strong crowd reaction and needs to be answered but...the fact that a liberal reporter planted the question with a soldier shows that these bastards will go to any length to embarrass and degrade this administration. Doesn’t Edward Lee Pitts care that a question as such asked in front of so many troops could lower morale and cause dissent? Where is this support for the troops we keep hearing that the liberals have? There is a right way and a wrong way to do things ant this was clearly an example of a good question asked in a disgraceful manner. As Rush says. “It’s the seriousness of the charge that matters to liberals, not the authenticity or truthfulness.â€� I don’t know exactly what Ukranian leader Victor Yushchenko was poisoned with but if anyone wants to assassinate me please just do it the good old single shot way, don’t make me look like an over ripe summer squash, for God’s sake I have an image to uphold. Memo to the Democratic Party, you are now owned by George Soros and Moveon.org, whether you know it or not. The PAC of the site, Eli Pariser had this to say to supporters over the week “For years the party has been led by elite Washington insiders who are closer to corporate lobbyists then they are the Democratic base but we can’t afford four more years of leadership by a consulting class of professional election losersâ€� Ouch! I can’t stand Terry McAuliffe myself but anything is better then these European loving, illumniatist, stock market crashing, heathens. So DNC stand firm and keep doing a horrible job, we love you for it!!!!! There goes another Peyton Manning touchdown... Okay, not only are Canada and France subversive now they’re just acting mentally retarded. First, Canada’s transport minister has launched a probe into the disappearance of airport uniforms and badges. CBC television reports that one thousand badges and uniforms were missing from federal airport screeners in eighty-nine airports across the country during the first nine months of 2004. Hey Canada, how about not only finding the missing items but also doing so before Al Qaeda does. That would be a big help and again thanks for trying to correct your moronic mistakes, it really means a lot to us. France, France, France.....Where did you go so disgracefully wrong? Around one hundred and fifty grams of extremely sensitive explosives were slipped into the bag of a passenger during a sniffer dog training session at Charles de Gaulle Airport. The bag ended up on one of ninety flights leaving the airport and guess what? The police are now trying to track it down because those brilliant, organized French policemen lost it. Now the French claim that the explosive is harmless, which does seem like an oxymoron to me, but remember these are the same people who told us that the Nazis meant no harm and were France’s friend so they don’t score too high on my reliability meter. Not to be outdone are those zany Londoners. After a twenty one mile charity run involving more then four thousand people dressed up as Santa Claus police had to be called to brake up a massive brawl which I’m going to attribute to copious ammounts of alcohol and fun Holiday spirit. No one was seriously hurt but some children did cry and promised to leave cookies tainted with arsenic out on Christmas eve. CNN is reporting that the FCC will meet later this month to discuss letting passengers use cell phones while on flights. Just a thought but this maybe a good idea, after all next time a plane has been hi-jacked it might be nice to know about it before it magically transforms into a MX missile. Conversely some Minnesota woman yapping in a Northern accent about her trip to New York may test my fragile patience in an extreme manner. Another one to Marivn Harrison... Rap music concerts take a bow, you are now only the second most dangerous type of event to attend. Does anyone really care to see the movie National Treasure? If so please email me back and explain why because for the life of me, I can’t figure it out. Can I whistle Jingle Bells while I write this or will that draw ire from the lovable, huggable ACLU? And in the, boy they’re stupid new story of the week; a Florida couple called the police to let them now that they had a quarter pound of marijuana stolen from them and needed it back ASAP because they intended to sell it. They were subsequently taken to Bay County Jail and held on a $17,500 bond. I’ve met some stupid drug dealers in my day but these two certainly take the space cake. Is there anyone in the world who doesn’t think that Carlos Beltran will be a Yankee within the next month? I hated with this season’s Apprentice with a capital H but hope with all my might that Kelly beats that sneaky, skinny, skeevy blonde hair bitch Jen. Let’s also be honest the final two competitors deserved to be Kelly and Kevin but Trump didn’t want a final competition between a black man and a white man where Trump would be again forced to pick the white guy because he was clearly better and that’s not Trump’s fault, everyone would be calling him a racist if the afore mentioned scenario occurred. Friends let freedom ring. prostitues prostitue and God Bless America

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All last week I kept hearing, that the dollar is at its lowest, and the Euro and the price of gold are at their highest, therefore in an international sense our economy is doomed. However, show me another country that can blow eight billion dollars in one day on DVD players, Sponge Bob toys, Martha Stewart blenders and George Foreman grills because friends thats what our mighty nation put into our economy the day after Thanksgiving on Christmas presents. If we can blow eight billion dollars (more then some countrys value) on presents, trust old Maxie boy, when he says, weâre fine.   

 

Did you hear about the chick who is suing American Express for allowing her to rack up a bill close to one million dollars? Why do I expect to see the ACLU on her side sometime soon? After all its not her fault she likes expensive jewelry and gosh darn it, why should she have to pay for that type of addiction or face the consequences? She has a problem and we the people should deal with it because shes mentally incapable of doing so, herself.

Im the President of the United States of America and you will now recognize me as so. Oh wait¦..this isnt Ukraine, sorry I got ahead of myself.

 

Seriously, though you turn your head on these Ruskies and their former satellite nations for two seconds and their right back to their old tricks…..Do we have to beat their ass in hockey again or perhaps another cold war? 

Im not going to go see the movie Alexander first and foremost because I dont care about Alexander or the mythology that surrounds him and secondly because I just dont like Oliver Stone that much and am somehow sure the conclusion will be that the Macedonian caused JFK’s death either with or without Richard Nixon. Isnt it funny how Greeks are upset that Stone made little old Alex into a bi-sexual? A Greek being bi-sexual, why thats much more far fetched then some of Stones other nonsense!!!!  

 

Pakistan banned Newsweek after the publication featured an article about a Dutch film maker murdered by Muslims. I’m sure this cut is really going to hurt circulation numbers¦..Because I’m sure that Pakistani clerics are dying to read about Julia Robert’s twins.

German researchers claim that simply inhaling a spray mist of salt water could help prevent spreading diseases such as the flu, SARS and tuberculosis. You see, I knew there was a reason that none of the clams I know get sick, now Ive got it figured out. 

Bin Ladens Barney Fife, the great Ayman Al-Zawhari, made a new tape and it seems to me that these are now becoming weekly occurrences. The ‘not all there doctor was gracious enough to offer Americans one more ‘piece of advice before he breaks off negotiations and he is ‘sure we will not heed it. Well, Im sorry doc, if were a little unwilling to negotiate with you and your loyal band of scum bag murderers but over here in the US when someone flies planes into our buildings killing three thousand citizens, we conversely attempt to kill them and everyone with them, that is at least when a Republican is in office, my dear Dr. Giggles. Oh, and as far as your advice goes, shove it up your ass, you camel sodomizer.  

All righty then Now why is it that no one is talking about Marc Rich? This is a man who Bill Clinton pardoned, had known relationships with South American terrorists groups and it is now revealed had business dealings with Saddam Hussein? Could you imagine if it was the other way around? For crying out loud liberals would be demanding a Bush lynching but as long as old squirt on the skirt does it.....no big deal....just an honest mistake. 

 

Congratulations to New Yorks own Bernard Kerik whom will make a stellar head of homeland security. Kerik is a tough cookie who worked his way through the ranks and knows better then anyone exactly what big citys need to stay protected and the everyday threats that they face. Good luck to Tom Ridge who also did a great job and stepped down with honor despite what less informed souls will tell you. 

 tell you this much, Vladimir Putin has some nerve calling our foreign policy dictatorial. Wasnt Putin heading the KGB when the USSR invaded innocent little Afghanistan? Ill tell you what else no one in this country has any clue what a dictatorship is...try living in North Korea now or Germany in the late thirties and tell me if George Bush is as bad as you initially believed.

 

Donald Rumsfeld is always a blast to listen to and his appearance on the Bill OReilly show this week was certainly entertaining. Two thoughts, Rumsfeld’s nineteen forties sayings like By Golly and Gosh sure are refreshing and secondly how is it that Rummy manages to always look pissed off, I’d love that snarl.... it would make for a lot less stupid people bothering me with nonsense they have no business discussing. 

Rummy™s staying for a second term as well, so you guys might want to get that “move your ass over to Canada thingâ€� started sooner rather then later. 

 

Raise your hand if you care that Tom Brokaw retired.......Okay, now please leave my classroom and go to the principal’s office to have a lobotomy performed.

 

Did anyone not know that Jason Giambi and Barry Bonds were on the juice? To be honest I couldn’t care less. All my favorite music artists were drug users so why should athletes be held to higher standards? If your kids look up to people like Ron Artest, Ray Lewis or Barry Bonds as role models then you’re doing bad jobs as parents and that’s just the end of the story.

 

With that said, shine up your heroin needles, Motley Crue is back together.  

Pepsi limited edition Holiday Spice soda and good rum (may I recommend Gosling’s Black Seal) is the answer to frigid winter weather.

 

Tate and Lyle, the chemical company behind the sugar substitute Splenda says their running out and will be facing shortages next year. This is going to make it harder for overweight folk like Michael Moore and myself to loose weight even though Michael Moore really only feeds on your innocent childrens minds like the vampire that he is. 

No I dont have Michael Moore hang up.  

But anyone who gets me a DVD copy of Fahrenheit 9/11 for a Christmas present (sorry ACLU, I mean a holiday present) is getting a punch in the face for theirs.

 

Nick Nolte sure has his fun, doest he?  Friends let freedom ring and Rummy kill all our terrorist enemies. God Bless America. 

"May Your Only Pain Be Champagne….."
By Maximilian M Heusler

I thought that the secret service was supposed to protect the President; I mean I have no problem if it's the other way around, but can we at least cut the tax dollars that pay for those fancy ear piece thingamajigs.

A Reuter's report shows that in a recent global poll conducted by Gallup, 63% of people surveyed said that they believed political leaders (George Bush) are untrustworthy and the world will be less safe for their children. I have two things to say in response: First, is this the accurate type of polling that we're used to, say at least as punctilious as oh, I don't know an exit poll? Secondly, raise your hand if you give a crabapple what the world thinks. I know I don't, and I also know you assume I'm dangerous or oblivious because I care more about national security then world opinion, oh well, guess what? The President jibes with me, not you. George Clooney and Eminem are on your side, maybe you should read their columns and treat mine like the propaganda that it is. 

Democrats spent most of their campaign trying to expose ties that the Bush family has with the royal Saudis and other wealthy Arabs. Michael Moore rambled about it for nearly a third of his fictious film, so now it's my turn to talk about politicians with Arab ties. Let's play a game called, guess who helped build the Clinton library? Well, if you knew that the Saudi royal family contributed over a million dollars to it, give yourself a sticker. If you were also aware that "anonymous" Saudi businessmen donated another couple million, give yourself two stickers and if you were so keen that you knew that the governments of Dubai, Kuwait and Qatar also gave large sums of money, well then maybe you should just be writing my column for me. That's right, that joke of a building sitting in Arkansas was partially built by the same people, democrats like to deride the President and his father for having business dealings with. It's really no surprise, after all, Clinton also gave 'no bid' contracts to Halliburton and made self brokered lucrative deals with the Carlyle group but none of this is ever discussed, why not? I mean I think it's fine and it doesn't bother me, but conversely why are President Bush and Dick Cheney called "Hitler like" and self-serving for the having the same exact relations and doings?

European Union justice and interior ministers consorted over the past week that immigrants should adhere to general "European values" when trekking to Europe. What might these European values be? Not showering? Methadone use? Undermining the United States and it's effort to combat global terrorism? Waking up late? Not working? Paying a seventy percent tax rate? Spitting? Smoking? Orgies? Hashish rolling? Yes, Europe's got to get people to practice such customs, otherwise it'll become a socialist mess….wink, wink.

The dauntless, derisory divas are at it again. This time it's Linda Ronstadt making a statement only a baby killer could love in comparing our form of government to National Socialism, Ronstadt quipped "It's like Germany before Hitler took over. The economy was bad and people just felt kicked around. They looked for a scapegoat, now they've got a new bunch of Hilters." Okay, to compare this administration to the Third Reich is all at once ignorant, subversive and narcissistic. As I've always said to disagree with policy is healthy and necessary in democracy, to compare current or recently resigned cabinet members to the mass murderers who threw children thinking they were about to shower into gas chambers shows that Linda knows nothing about history yet has no qualms about relaying her misinformation to any jack ass with a steno pad. These people aren't helping the democrats and as long as they keep vomiting opinion, Republicans will continue to win.

For crying out loud even Maureen Dowd said she wished Michael Moore would just disappear, what does that tell you? That's like Joe Montana wanting Jerry Rice to drop a ball. Disarray is the word of the week. I have a feeling it will be their word of the next four years.

And just how did the sixty inch waisted Moore respond to Dowd's wish? By announcing plans to make Fahrenheit 9/11 1/2, a sequel …..A film that wouldn't have been possible without a Bush victory…..A film that was probably planned along with the first…..Draw your own conclusions.     

I thought I was watching footage of the war in Iraq Friday night until I saw Reggie Miller in the midst of the fracas and exclaimed "why these aren't insurgents, they're Indiana Pacers!" Look, no one has been a bigger critic of Ron Artest then myself. However, as a human being, Artest has a right to defend himself. He was pelted with a glass full of ice and last time I checked, glass and ice can injure and even kill. Fans think that because they purchase a ticket they have a right to hurl things at players and that's just dead wrong. We witnessed a few close calls in baseball over the summer due to similar incidents but nothing as violent or terrifying as what happened in Detroit. I'm with Ron Artest on this one and the year long suspension he received was a joke with a double standard punch line. Kobe Bryant can practically rape a woman doggy style, glorify misogyny and David "all about the dollar" Stern kisses his ass, yet Artest who merely defended himself is vilified and penalized in an unprecedented way.

I'll tell you this much, Ron Artest left the NBA for the season with a hell of a lot more dignity then Dan "I'm positively, absolutely, unquestionably sure they're real" Rather left CBS with.

The new Nas album Streets Disciple is pure crack and I can't even stand rap music these days.    

Happy Thanksgiving, God Bless and Let Freedom Ring

"Enjoy the Electric Chair, Scotty Boy"
By Maximilian Mauro Heusler

Sears and K-Mart are merging, yes!!!! Now I can get shotguns, chainsaws, Martha Stewart egg timers and shitty clothes all in the same location….life is sweet friends, life is sweet.

Thank God the Peterson jury did the right thing and found that smug liar guilty of first degree murder. I'll tell you what folks, the OJ verdict set murdering husbands back a generation and that's a good thing, even though OJ's still free to do as he pleases but mark my words he will be in court again facing another violent charge someday. Hopefully, Laci and baby Connor can finally rest in peace because they deserve it and to Mr. Peterson, lube up, buddy, it's going to be a rough ride.

I've been telling you for months that we are living in the last days, now I have evidence to prove it. Wednesday afternoon millions upon millions of pink locusts swept through the Egyptian capital city, Cairo. In the Old Testament locusts were the eighth of ten plagues which God dealt to the Egyptians before their ruler, Pharaoh, let the enslaved children of Israel go. Maybe if we can get the terrorists to…….You know what get a gas mask and go to confession. Bin Laden is no Pharaoh.

Why is everyone so quick to condemn the soldier who shot the terrorist playing dead in the mosque, yet we've heard nothing about the poor English woman who was shoot point blank in the head, blindfolded by insurgents? Is that like not a big deal to you guys, or…?

Now I know that some of us "neo-cons" were a little upset that Colin Powell went against the administration so often. The bottom line is that Colin Powell is a brilliant man, understands the world as a "global" environment, was frank and honest with President Bush even though it was unpopular and was a great secretary of state. You'll be missed Colin, good luck with whatever's next and thank you for serving this country with the honor and dignity that you have.

Congratulations and good luck to the capable Condi Rice who was named as Powell's successor. Now I've actually heard some people say that Condi isn't fit for the job. To this I would say, does it bother these people that Condi could beat them in a debate about anything, while talking in Russian? She probably has more brains in her tooth enamel then most people have in their cranium. So pipe down and let the woman do her thing.

A top CIA official says Osama Bin Laden has gained religious approval to detonate a nuclear weapon within the United States, now that he has publicly warned us of his intentions. Can we stop the nonsense, for crying out loud? Like Bin Laden was really waiting for approval to devastate us in a way that would make blind, crippled and crazy clerics all around the world cream in their filthy under garments. I bet finding a religious leader in whatever cavernous region Bin Laden is hiding in to approve the attack was real difficult say about as much so as finding a judge to marry William and David in Massachusetts?

Isn't it amusing how rich liberal windbags are rushing into Canada after the election and a four year old girl was recently sealed into a piñata to be smuggled over the Mexican border into the United States? NBC reported that while the four year old girl was sealed in the piñata, the mother was crammed into the back trunk and the girl's brother was underneath the collapsible back seat. They were all caught and sadly deported but the moral of the story is we're pretty damn lucky to live here, let's not take that for granted and if you do move to Canada, Oh Canada, get used to Molson Ice, hockey and football with shorter fields because we sure as shit don't want you fair weather fans back.  

The Bill Clinton museum/library is opening this week in Little Rock, Arkansas. I wonder if it will feature cigars, used condoms and discarded boxes of KFC? Or perhaps they'll display the multiple papers from the Sudanese government offering up Osama? Monica's genetically altered dress? Sandy Berger's sock? I got it; maybe they can exhibit the injured aspirin from the aspirin factory Bubba blew up, while aiming at Osama the day of Monica's testimony? Debris from the Chinese embassy that we accidentally bombed, not that I'm complaining about this one? Rubble from the rock we hit when we bombed Sadam's WMDS? Slick Willy, thought he had them too Yes, I think we can all agree there are tons of wonderful artifacts that can be traced to this great leader 

While, we're on the subject of the immortal Bill Clinton, I know he was recovering but it's funny how he really didn't campaign that hard for Kerry during the stretch run. Conversely, now that Kerry has lost, Clinton's out there everyday making a speech. Get ready for lots and lots of Hillary; this is the chance to slay the dragon Dick Morris has been sword sharpening for, for years.  

It was funny when James Carville smashed an egg on his face on meet the press this week to show how wrong he was about the election, it would have been funnier if he had replaced the egg with a claw hammer or one of those Caddy Shack Two golf balls that detonate on contact. Now that would have been good television.

Rest in peace to Old Dirty Bastard. The autopsy can show whatever but let's be honest ODB died due to a truck load of stress and a steady diet of crack, old English, Kennedy Fried Chicken, prison and tropical fantasy. "Shame on you when you step through to, the old dirty bastard, Brooklyn zoo." Wu Tang is for the kids.

In the rock and roll liberal spirit of the holiday season, U2 front man Bono has engaged in a harsh verbal war with Darkness lead singer, Justin Hawkins at the twentieth anniversary of the charity concert event Band-aid. What is the dispute over, drugs, chicks, politics, corned beef and potatoes? No, no friends the dispute is over which singer will sing the line they each want to sing in the song "Don't They Know It's Christmas?" You really can't make this stuff up. Bono's so quick to denigrate our government over poverty and AIDS but has no problem engaging in confrontation when he doesn't get to sing a line he wants to in a Christmas song for charity. These are selfish, crazy people and will be the downfall of our existence one day, trust me. 

Our favorite nation is at it again. Guess who the French are naming a street after? Ronald Reagan? Try again. FDR, the man who saved them from a life of Weiner Schnitzel and Lowenbrau? Nope. However if you guessed Yasser Arafat, blow yourself up. Apparently Arafat drive will intersect Adolph Avenue and Idi Amin place right at Bin Laden Boulevard but be weary if you're not prepared to detonate your automobile killing yourself and innocent children, you will not be welcome on the road.

Bill Safire, the only "conservative" columnist who wrote for the New York Times, resigned this week to purse other endeavors. Just so all you lay folk can see how liberal the times is, Bill Safire who many as myself admire and respect voted for Bill Clinton in 1992 when he ran against George H.W Bush. This was their only "conservative" columnist. Rumor is Al Franken my replace Safire as the Time's "conservative" columnist if Michael Moore turns the position down to attend the many eating contests he participates in.  

A man set himself on fire in front of the White House this week and allegedly yelled "Allah, Allah" as he burned. Hmmm…Maybe I've got this terrorism thing wrong, I mean it is confusing but I thought terrorists were supposed to set things on fire that they didn't like, or at least ignite those things along with themselves but again I may be off let me check my jihadist manual and get back to you.

Reuter's reports that the national birth rate for young teens is at it's lowest since 1946. This should depress liberals immensely. After all, fewer babies are being born without a chance now.  

Violence at the Vibe Magazine awards? A stabbing involving rappers Snoop Dog, Young Buck and Dr.Dre? No….I don't believe such a thing. Bill O'Reilly probably made it up to give bad publicity to rap music. 

I don't know how many of you watch HBO's The Wire, but last weeks episode was the best moment on TV since Tony whacked Pussy.

See, Coach Tom Coughlin listened to me, I said I wanted Eli Manning and come Sunday we get Eli Manning.

Trevor Ariza, the nineteen year old forward, the Knicks were able to steal in the second round of the draft looks scary good, already. Isaiah has done a remarkable job of turning the old broken down core of this team into a youthful bunch with the likes of Michael Sweeteny (not drafted by Thomas), Stephon Marbury, Jamal Crawford and Trevor Ariza, even with the pitiful salary cap situation that Scott Layden left behind.

Friends let freedom ring, the US soldiers keep shooting away, God bless you and your families and God bless the USA. 
"Four More Years ¦Any Way We Damn Please"
By Maximilian "happy as a lark" Heusler


 

Folks we did it. We defeated Europe, Michael Moore, Al Franken, The New York Times, the elite media, Peter Jennings, Dan Rather, Walter Cronkite, CNN, Vote Or Die, P Diddy, George Soros, fraudulent national guard documents, fabricated stories about weapon depots, Al Sharpton, Jessie Jackson, John Edward's spasmodic arms, lies about social security , a counterfeit draft plan, three debates we "lost", Choose Or Loose, Bruce Springsteen, Whoopee Goldberg, break ins at GOP headquarters, voters registered by receiving crack cocaine, Zogby, Bill Mahr, exit polls, Bush world, Kitty Kelly, France, Teresa's ambien problem, remarks about Mary Cheney, Halliburton, George Clooney, corporate America, Enron, WMD's, the Wolfowtiz doctrine, Leo Strauss, Mary Beth Cahill, Joe Lockhart, Richard Clarke, Chuck Hagel, Max Cleland, Germany, hip hop, Sean Penn, the Manchurian Candidate, Jimmy Cater, Bill and Hillary, Obama, Allen Colmes, Paul Begala, James Carville and Ted Kennedy but not only did we win, we trounced on the competition to the tune of nearly four million votes!!!

We took over the senate and house, relegating the arrogant democrats to the second class citizens that they are. Not even Bill Clinton or John Kennedy received the decisive victory George Bush was awarded. The Democratic Party had one hand hanging onto a cliff Tuesday afternoon; we stepped on that hand Tuesday night. Unless, Ted Kennedy has one of those Wil E Coyote desert trampolines to bounce back with, I declare them destitute.

Be proud friends and be proud America, we spoke and orated clearly. We will not cater to terrorism or the European Union, we are America we can march to the beat of our own drum because we deserve it, hell we damn near invented the drum. If John Kerry really wants to be a sport now, it sure would be nice of him to give President Bush that secret plan book he's been keeping in his back pocket for the last four months. After all, he had a plan for everything….So pony up.

Seriously friends, let's all give a big hand to John Kerry and the little marionette female southerner who conceded and did not drag this thing out in the middle of a war. Although with a 135,000 vote deficit in Ohio, I'm not sure how it could have been dragged out?

Do we think Osama had an election party complete with covered women and bottles of chilled water or is he more of a stoic, solitude, statistical watcher? Do you think he kicked his camel after Bush won Ohio, or did CNN fool him in to thinking it was going to be "too close to call"?

Let's also wish Elizabeth Edwards a speedy recovery and may God bless her. There's a lot of liberal champagne still sitting in the fridge and at this rate by the time they get to pop it, it may become too valuable to drink.

I'll tell you what, if I was Puffy and I had just spent four months going around the country registering young people to vote and then found out that the same number of young people that voted the last election, voted in this one, I'd feel like a colossal failure. However, you just know Mr. Combs is in black James Bond fantasy world screaming "we did it America, we made that difference." Ask members of the Kerry campaign what they thought of Diddy's intervention and see what they tell you.

CNN just declared that Bush won Ohio, oh wait, they're almost done counting provisional votes registered to Phil McCrevis, Mary Poppins and others like them.

I know, I know Republicans, George Bush and everyone that voted for him are hillbillies, stupid or a wonderful combination of both. If that's they case, how did we take control of this country so easily Tuesday night? What does that say about the Democrat's intelligence?

Why is it that when a Democrat wins, no one cares if they reach out to the Republicans. After all, both times Clinton won he received a lower percentage of the popular vote then George Bush did, yet I don't remember any talk of a divided country or a need to reach out to conservatives. Oh, actually, I get it, the only way the dems can hold even an ounce of power is if we reach out and embrace them, maybe they should have thought about that before they called George Bush everything expect an honest, hard working man. W doesn't forget and neither do we. So let me be as nice as I can, take your olive branch and shove it.

On my list of places I wouldn't want to be this week, I'd have to say Fallujah's right up there at the top.

The Canadian Immigration service, reported that nearly three times as many Americans have applied for citizenship in Old Canada after Bush's victory. Canada can't let every one in, so maybe they'll understand what it's like to get an influx of people who want to live in their country like America. We have people trying to get here in rafts and dieing in deserts and to those who want to leave because they don't want to live here anymore, good riddance, you do this country a favor by leaving and empower and embolden it as well, so please as the Amityville house said "Get Out!!!!"

Speaking of Canada, the Canadian Intelligence service, which seems like an oxymoron to me, alerted the United States that al-Qaeda is trying to acquire nuclear weapons….No shit, Mounties. The next Canadian intelligence report will focus on Adolph Hitler and the threat he poses to central Europe.

Wasn't it funny and delusional when John Edwards came out Wednesday night and said "we've waited for victory for four years, we can wait one more night" and the crowd went wild. I don't know about you but I was waiting for Ashlee Simpson to come out, do a jig and run backstage crying after that.

Walter Cronkite suggested that Karl Rove had something to do with the Bin Laden tape. I wish Walter would have explained how this would have been possible. Did Karl call on Osama and plead "Hey, your good friend W, needs some help getting elected could I count on you for a tape?" or did he just work it out with Al-Jazeera the "fuck America network we all love and trust"    

If Yasser Arafat isn't dead when you read this he will be soon. I have no comment on Mr. Arafat and would actually suggest he's no worse then some of the Israeli prime ministers but he will meet his maker and be accounted for.

Ms. Maureen Dowd, the sexiest catatonic ever, had this to say about Bush in her Halloween column "President Bush is like one of the blissfully ignorant teenagers in the Friday the 13th movies, spouting slogans like 'freedom is on the march' while Freddy Kruger is in the closet ready to claw his skin off." Now here's a pop culture-political columnist icon who doesn't even know the killer in Friday the 13th? It would have been one thing to have said Jason Voorhees, I mean that did get Drew Barrymore murdered in Scream (the killer in the first Friday movie was Pamela Voorhees, Jason's mother) but Freddy Kruger, come on Maureen, step your horror movie game up!

China criticized the Bush "doctrine" of pre-emptive war and lamented that we were destroying the empathy of the International community, sigh. Well, if we'd like to listen to them perhaps we should eat with sticks, lock people up for questioning the government, and make abortion not just legal but mandatory as well. While we're on it is it just me or are these people dressed in yellow, protesting all over midtown about Chinese human right abuse getting annoying? I know… We got it, China's a fucked up country, no argument there. If you haven't noticed we're dealing with some turmoil in the United States as well. So you'll excuse us if your right to practice aerobics isn't our foremost concern these days.

The Triplets of Bellville is the most underrated movie of the last year.

I have a decent feeling about my New York Knicks this year. Now that it looks like Grant Hill will be playing before Allan Houston does, the Jamal Crawford move looks pretty good right now.

Are the New Jersey Nets still playing or did they die with the Democratic Party?

Before Chris Heinz called George Bush a cokehead I would have at least looked into to what medications his mother may be interweaving. If she's not taking drugs and what we've seen is truly what we'll get, then I wouldn't be speaking at all if I were her son.

3:1 says John and Teresa divorce in the next year, unless, and this is a big unless, he's going to run again in four more years, which would be the equivalent of Mr. Kerry being physically tortured by a dominatrix in an American flag leotard.

Friends, let freedom ring, God Bless George Bush, God Bless Elizabeth Edwards and God Bless the United States of America.

We did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Now I've Been Happy Lately, Thinking about Good Things to come….."
By Maximilian M. Heusler

Okay, let's get right into it. First of all when the liberal media calls the debate a draw, it means Bush won, so let's at least be honest about it. Bush did win; he leveled into Kerry's disastrous senate record, poor attendance and finally started to expose these men as the fakes that the Massachusetts liberal and his little Southern marionette are. Let's also talk about some misrepresentations made: Kerry and Edwards repeatedly claim that the Iraqi war was cost two hundred billion dollars, that's just a bold face lie, the war has only cost one-hundred and twenty billion dollars, so that's an exaggeration of over sixty percent. A  Kerry claims that 1.6 million jobs have been lost under Bush while the number is 585, 000 and might that number have something to do with 9/11 and the fact that one-million jobs alone were lost in the airline industry? Just curious. Now John Kerry says that our wars have to pass a global test (which reeks of appeasement to someone like me but what do I know) Okay, so in 1991 when we had the UN's approval and the International community on our side, why did Kerry vote against the first Gulf War? If he backs away from a war that the whole world agrees with, what in your bird brained head makes you think, he'll lead us into war when it's not popular with the two Nazi like states of France and Germany? Oh did I just write that, yeah I guess I did. Do you know what the answer is? He won't, this country and our interests will be held hostage to the sanction adoring UN, the sleazy international community and Teresa's mood swings. How can you let that happen?

Let's talk about other things, let's talk about how John Kerry couldn't answer a question without slamming Bush; "Senator Kerry, what do you like better, pizza or hamburgers?" Kerry would say "Well, Charles, my opponent actually voted against the bill to send hamburgers to after school programs…." Let's talk about how the fantasy island Kerry wants to turn America into will require him breaking the promise he made last night and raise taxes on everybody. Let's talk about his twenty years in the senate which contradicts the moderate stance he took last night, let's talk about how Bush finally called him the liberal that he is (boy, that wigged Kerry out) and let's finally talk about this coalition Kerry has duped you into thinking he can build. Poland is already pissed off at him, France and Germany said they're not coming on no matter what and he has repeatedly called this war "the wrong war" so how in the hell, you weak minded Kerry pin wearing peasants, is he going to build a stronger coalition without Merlin the magician as his secretary of state.   A Â 

What about liberal media bias in this debate. First there was a memo floating around before the debate by ABC political Director Mark Halperin saying the questions were going to hold Bush more accountable and they certainly did. Every Democrat has been asking George Bush about mistakes he has made, so is it any God Damn coincidence that Charles Gibson lets the last question be "List three mistakes you made" Are you kidding me? The last question? I couldn't believe it. How about the question where the dope asking it asked Senator Kerry "to look into the camera and speak to the people" In other words, let's try to let him win the debate right there. Do you still think there's going to be draft? Oh, you shut up about that huh? Let's be one hundred and ten percent honest, Bush murdered Kerry on substance and style, who made the audience laugh five times? Who was more clear and concise and who didn't use every opportunity to knock his opponent, the answer is George Bush. I was honest in giving a slight edge to Kerry in the first debate, not this time around, Bush won easy and that's the truth with no spin.

Finally, on the debate, John Kerry can not talk at one of these things without bringing up Ronald Reagan. That's just funny to me because when Reagan was winning the cold war, Kerry voted for a nuclear freeze, which directly attempted to block Reagan's plan for peace,  so how do you think Reagan would feel about him?  

Wow, I'm worked up…

It was pretty funny last week when Jon Stewart said that "America had scored a big victory on the war on terror by nabbing the man who sang Peace Train". What's not that funny is the reason that Yusef Islam or Cat Stevens (pre-breakdown) is not allowed to enter either the United States or Israel is because he has donated large amounts of money to charities which openly front the terrorist group, Hamas. What's also not funny is that when Salman Rushdie wrote The Satanic Verses, Mr. Peace Train called for Rushdie's execution.

Now I don't think Yusef Islam is coming to America to blow up bridges or become a suicide bomber but I also don't think that entrance to a nation where freedom is a privilege should be granted to a man who enables suicide bombers in Israel and calls for the execution of authors. Call me conservative, call me a right wing lunatic, call me whatever you'd like but that's my opinion and I'm sticking with it.

"Oh, I've been smiling lately, dreaming about the world as one, and I believe it could be, some day it's going to come…"

Did you watch the vice president debates? No? Well, let me tell you what happened: Dick Cheney looked liked the seasoned professor who was arguing with a mediocre student on why he gave his paper a C. Cheney cast brutal shot after shot from "tonight is the first night I met you" to "you can't even stand up to Howard Dean how will you stand up to Al Qaeda" If you posses a brain how could you possibly want this neophyte in the White House rather then a genius who worked for four of our presidents? George Bush said it best, the difference between Cheney and Edwards is "Dick Cheney can be President of the United States." Every time Edwards was in trouble (which was often) his pathetic life line was Halliburton and even though I already wrote an essay on Cheney's involvement with Halliburton I'll say it one more time, no unproven charge against Halliburton has ever mentioned Dick Cheney, that's a fact, I know you hate it but it's the truth.

Secondly, here's Dick Cheney speaking about things he knows because he's in all the  cabinet meetings and then there's John Edwards quoting the Washington Post repeatedly; hey John, you're a Senator should you really have to be quoting newspaper stories? Don't you get your facts in senate sessions? Oh that's right; you don't like to show up to senate meetings and actually everything you've ever done in your political career has been done so one day you can call yourself president, not on my watch, slickster, not on my watch.

John Edwards says that if I vote for George Bush "I've lost my mind" Well, lock Max up in Bellevue because he's certifiable. Maybe he can sue, whoever took my mind and raise the cost of health insurance a little bit higher.

Does anybody care about this oil for food scam between the UN and Iraq that I was talking about two months ago, or do you ignore it because it decimates your argument that we needed to "build a true coalition"?

That damn John Ashcroft is at it again, alerting us that terrorists may try to target schools and telling us to remain vigilant. What the hell is he thinking? He is obviously trying to scare us into voting for George Bush and I'm not biting, the nerve of the evil bastard. 

Polish President Aleksander Kwasniewski had this to say about John Kerry "It is sad that a senator with twenty years of experience does not recognize Polish contribution (to the war)…This is immoral." You remember when I said Kerry was pissing on other countries by not recognizing a coalition? Well, I was right. The President went on to say "It is immoral not to recognize the involvement we contributed, based on our conviction that there should be unity in fighting terrorism" How's that "International coalition" you say you can build looking now, Johnny Boy?

Is al-Qaida getting desperate? A tape made last week purportedly by Bin Laden's second in command, Ayman al-Zawahri, calls on Muslims "to not wait any longer, otherwise, we will be devoured one country after another…The youth must not wait for anyone and begin resisting from now and learn a lesson from Iraq and Afghanistan and Chechnya." My friends, I have watched every video released by al-Qaida, I have listened to every tape made by al-Qaida and I have never seen the organization this panicked. Their old messages talked about the great battles they were waging and attacks to come but it's simple and clear, al-Qaida is no longer playing offense, we have them backed up, they're now playing prevent defense. They are trying to prevent further advancements by our military in Iraq, prevent invasions of other countries harboring terrorists, prevent the arrests and killings of their new leadership (we mopped the floor with their old leaders) and most importantly prevent the re-election of George Bush, are you going to help them prevent?

It's funny because my liberal friends who claim that Bush's lead has vanished since the debates are the same friends who wouldn't admit Bush had gained a lead after the RNC, go figure.

Do you have friends that constantly yell at you about outsourcing and claim that soon India and China will have the jobs that Americans should? Tell them that even though you like them, enjoy their company and value their opinion; you're going to take Bill Gate's word on the subject over theirs. Gates, said last week "China and India are the big change agents for the years ahead…We have to go into the risky new areas. That's what's going to allow the United States to stay at the forefront." Who knows more, your friend who smokes pot out of the back end of a soda can, or Bill Gates?

We have another why the death penalty is necessary case to report to you:  Paul Durrant, age 44, not only killed his girlfriend or cut her up into small pieces; he then ate the small pieces that he found "eatable." Now granted Durrant's main aspiration, to kill and eat pedophiles is admirable, I'm just not sure I want this guy enforcing the law because quite honestly he seems a little off. While we're on the subject, how does one cut up and eat a human being? I won't even eat the General Tso's chicken at Wang's down my block because the gray meat skeeves me out.     

I really do feel bad for the Cubs and even though the Bulls whipped the Knicks ass throughout the nineties, I'd still like to see the Cubs win it one day, as long as it doesn't come at the expense of the Mets. 

I can't imagine this happening in the near future because right now I think it's probable that the Bad News Bears would give the Mets a run for their money, especially if Kelly Leek's playing.

I don't love Madonna's music but Elton John saying that she should be shot for lip-synching is a little severe, don't you think? I mean this is man who rips into Bush and calls him a "war-monger" because he removed a sadistic dictator responsible for the gassing of over 200,000 Kurds and he thinks Madonna should be shot because she uses back up vocals? All you have to do is let liberals talk and eventually they'll find a way to make themselves look like jackasses. A 

Every column from now on I will be offering my quote of the week from past and present public figures. This week's quote is from our favorite secretary of defense, Donald Rumsfeld:

"Learn to say 'I don't know.' If used when appropriate it will be often."

Rest in Peace to Rodney Dangerfield, I think you finally got your respect, duke.

Friends let freedom ring and keep fighting the great fight, we're going to win this election and all of our hard work is going to pay off, again, God bless you and your families and thanks for your time. A 
  
 

Bio of the writer!

Maximilian Mauro Heusler is twenty-five years old and lives on the Upper East Side of Manhattan where he was born. He attended the Loyola High School and has a degree in Social Science from Hofstra University where graudated with honors. He has volunteered at both inner city schools and hospitals and believes it is everyone’s duty to make the world a better place. He has a deep concern for political issues and is scholar of hip hop, sports, liquor, entertainment and fine dining. He has short stories in publication with Pretty Pollution Press for their fall anthology, writes for stuntmag.com, poshcity.com, Citizen Culture print magazine, does food review for New York Cool.com and is working on a full length book about life in Manhattan. You can email Max at Philblunt5@aol.com, he loves to hear from his fans and foes, alike.