 Men stink and
Women are Biotches!
Written by monthly
columnist, Joanne Newborn
She is sexy sassy and smart!
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!" October
9, 2005
Yes it’s been a long, long time... Why? I've been
busy with work, overwhelmed in fact. And my bosses told me half jokingly,
they would "monitor" my column to make sure I wasn't taking too much time
from sales, marketing, and management to pursue my own dreams. Ahh...it’s
always THE MAN keepin' ya down.
But I can't blame "the man" entirely...I think I've
been a bit afraid of my own pen. I've been very angry with men, not to be
confused with “the man”. And I bet you are thinking,"oh, that's a
change!" But angry in a way where I could not find the humor, and that
does NOT make a very good column.
So, I'll just tell ya. Maybe if I get if all off my
chest, I can get back to my usual mix of sarcastic biting humor.
1) I'm angry with African men for not wearing condoms
and causing all the famine and AIDS in Africa. That really is the bottom
line here...why does everyone ignore this SIMPLE fact?? If all men in
Africa wore condoms, there would be no AIDS or Famine in Africa. PERIOD,
AMEN. Its so simple! I'm angry that African virgins have to wear ribbons
in their hair so MEN know they are safe bet for rape or sex. Why can’t we
fly planes over Africa and dump millions of Trojans on the continent?? We
could send the pretty Gold MAGNUM ones, to distract them from not wanting
to wear them.
2) I'm angry with the New York man who repeatedly
raped his daughter causing her to have two of his offspring.
3) I'm angry at Mexican men who rape and molest their
nieces and nephews, and I'm sickened by constantly hearing new cases
everyday on the news.
4) I'm particularly angry at the LA man who returned
home to live with his mother. His overjoyed niece was thrilled to have
her uncle home again -- and then he stabbed her to death.
5) I'm angry at the man who killed his girlfriend and
left her four-year-old daughter wandering the streets of New York
aimlessly, with NO SHOES.
6) And I don't even know where to start with Radical
Islamic Fundamentalists...I’m angry with them for EVERYTHING.
I could go on and on, but you get the point, you hear
the stories too. And I don’t know how to find a solution. I can't make
African men wear condoms, I can't stop men from molesting little girls and
boys, I can't stop men from murdering or raping, and can’t stop Radical
Muslims from making bombs and going on suicide missions.
But I want to know, why is it almost exclusively
MEN? If you want to argue the crazy murdering raping women card, be my
guest. I watch Court TV and the women on trial for murder are almost
always there because their husbands beat them nearly to death or their
boyfriends were caught molesting their child. And the BEST female
criminal story I could come up with was Martha Stewart, and she's not too
much of threat...unless you are afraid of having your house over-cleaned
or having a meal prepared with extreme regiment.
I'm angry at the violence in the world. I constantly
find myself wondering what would happen if the entire world (read: men)
put down their weapons, and stopped building their bombs, and stopped
swingin' around their privates for just one day... What would happen? I
don’t know for sure, but I have a feeling that a wonderful, deafening
silence, calm and peace would overcome the earth...for just one day. I
can dream can't I? And so I will. I will DREAM of that day.
Thoughts to Ponder
There is a reason that
people say “New York is the greatest city in the world.” And it dawned on
me, after Hurricane Katrina. After 9/11, New Yorkers stepped up to the
plate. Firefighters and police worked round the clock with no sleep
for weeks. New Yorkers hit the streets, applauding every fire truck that
drove by, smothering every firehouse with flowers, posters of the heroes
that lost their lives, candles, thank you notes and love. New Yorkers
were kind to each other, we smiled at strangers, cried in public and
consoled one another. We made memorials and turned parks into stations to
find the missing, that we knew would never be found, but we came together
and did it anyway. We had HOPE. Red Cross had to stop people from
donating blood, because they were at capacity. Volunteers were in great
abundance--the sign up to volunteer at the Red Cross had over a month long
wait. So people STILL volunteered, at their local churches and
foundations. That being said, I was horrified and saddened by the
morality, and spirit of the people of New Orleans --looting, raping one
another, shooting at people who were trying to save them. Over 50% of
their police department walked off the job and disappeared. No doubt this
was a horrible and different kind tragedy, but who stepped up to the
plate, in the moment of crisis?? Their mayor and governor certainly did
NOT. All the mayor did was whine about racism...oh, that was helpful,
Ray...divide our country a little more, why don’t you. He was no Rudy
Giuliani, I’ll tell ya that! There is a reason that ‘NEW YORK IS THE
GREATEST CITY IN THE WOLRD”...because IT IS!
**********************************************************
Joanne Newborn recently celebrated her second
year writing "Men Stink & Women are Bitoches!" She has been a guest on
countless radio shows, doling out her opinions and relationship advice.
She can be reached at joannenewborn.tvheaven.com and her website is
www.joannenewborn.tvheaven.com
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!" June
3, 2005
I’ve come to the
conclusion that people will do almost anything to meet “THE ONE.”
Yet, ironically, what is right in front of a person is usually the
easiest way to meet your next love interest.
Recently, I went to a
“Voodoo Love” party. Let’s back up and tell you how I came to be
invited to this “Voodoo Love” party. About three years ago, I had an
interview with the Svetlana Agency -- they were hiring spokesmodels
for various events, which sounded fine. But I never heard from them
again.
Cut to...three years
later, I get an email from the Svetlana Agency inviting me to their
“Voodoo Love” party at a Beverly Hills mansion, with open bar, dinner
and dancing. Dress elegant, arrive at 6pm. I didn’t think much of
it, being the social butterfly that I am, I get invited to Hollywood
parties all the time. I sent the email to a fellow Hollywood Social
Butterfly, and asked her if she wanted to go with me. She said yes,
and added that had also met with the Svetlana Agency about a paid
spokesmodeling gig but never heard from them again.
Elegantly dressed, we
arrived fashionably late at 7pm. There was a wide array of women,
also elegantly dressed, and a mere handful of men. Older, wealthy men
with comb-overs, nerdy men, men who were workaholics who were socially
inept, foreign men who wanted to meet Russian women... Suddenly, I
felt like a prisoner at Neverland Ranch. Something was amiss, and
yet, not enough to call the cops... We promptly asked the bartender
what the deal was. He said he didn’t know. After a bit o’ mingling
and brain picking we found out that WE were the buffet for men who
paid $400.00 each to be there to have first dibs on the creme de la
creme of LA’s finest women. Many of the men were looking for Russian
women --and I guess my looks fit the bill. Eww. One young socially
challenged gent, had come all the way from Seattle with a friend, just
because he saw an ad on TV where a man and his Russian Bride walked
happily into the sunset. He told me that if Svetlana could do that
for them, there was hope for him. (I guess he didn’t realize that
ACTORS make those commercials.)
All of this would not
have even bothered me so much as, it took only a short time to realize
that NONE of these men who paid top dollar to meet Ms. Right was going
to find “love.” Why?? Not because the women weren’t plentiful or
beautiful. Not because the women didn’t want to date them. Many of
these women were thrilled to be there, and eager to meet these men,
warts and all. So, WHY?? Because these boyz were acting like kids in
a candy store. Their eyeballs bugged out, heads jerked around, and I
could hear their thoughts screaming from their pea sized brains... "I
paid $400.00 to be here, and damn it, I’m going to get my money’s
worth!” They were trying to hook up with as many of these women as
possible. They would talk to someone for a few minutes and move on to
the woman standing right next to her, even if they were visably
interested in that first woman. They couldn’t help themselves. They
treated the women there like clothing on a sales rack, to be looked at
and considered, along with all the rest of the merchandise, until they
picked out their purchase at the end of the night. And so my
friends...I would bet $400.00 that not one of those men met Ms. Right
that night, because they got greedy, and ended up with a big fat
NOTHIN’. I didn’t stick around very long to find out. I was
disgusted. And shame on Ms. Svetlana for having fake job interviews
to recruit women for her “love” parties!!
Back to what I was
saying at the top of my column...you can meet your next loved one,
ANYWHERE at ANYTIME, but make sure its what you really want, because
the men at the “Voodoo Love” party were lookin’ for love in all the
wrong places.
Now the question...
Q: I did a bad thing and bad Karma has come back to
haunt me! I wanted to get a female friend off of our softball team
cause we found a better girl who was also sane, so my friend and I
devised an email to her which we knew would piss her off and make her
quit. It was comprised of a snide line about her public display of
affection with her new beau at our game. So according to plan she got
all sensitive and quit the team. Now she tells everyone in the league
that I wrote the email b/c I was jealous and bitter because she
spurned me!!! That is laughable considering I've been dating my
co-worker for the past 6 months (that's another issue entirely!). But
now everyone thinks that I throw girls off my team if they don't date
me!! So I've been stigmatized by that egotistical, self-absorbed
bitch!!! Do I just tell her straight out it was an evil plan or just
tell everyone else in the league or let it be? --Softbawler
JN: I think you know
that she will read this, and discover, the contrived “truth” that you
want her to know. Karma will ALWAYS bite you in the ass. Let it be.
Learn your lesson and move on. Don’t do it again. The end.
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Isn’t it ironic that Terri Schavio originally went into
the hospital for complications from anorexia and ended up starving to
death?
****************************************************************
Joanne has been a
guest on many radio shows around the country discussing realtionship
issues. For more info you can go to her website at
www.joannenewborn.tvheaven.com, or write to her at
webmaster@joannenewborn.tvheaven.com. She also started the free
dating website,
www.DatingGenius.com. Check it out!
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!"
August
I'm starting to get
JADED (who me?!) I've always been an optimist...while my friends
cried through their 20's that they wanted to get married, I stood by
them, cheering them on by saying, "Don't worry he's out there. It
will happen for you, and it will be great!" And as promised, it did
happen for them. And some of my friends even got divorced...and then
remarried! So what about me? I spent my time blindly believing in
"true love," and "soul mates," whileder to my pals and
somehow I got left out in the dark bleak cold. My pom poms are dirty,
my hope is dried up, and I'm turning into the people I swore I'd never
become -- you know -- the jaded ones. You know the
type...when you are cheery they are sour; when you try to be positive
about having yet another first date, they role their eyes in disgust;
when you and your single friends go out for some fun, they go along
begrudgingly, forcing the entire group to walk on eggshells, because God
forbid that anyone has any fun around the "jaded one." But maybe
Phase One of Jadedville is not such a bad thing...
Now, I'm not going to
have TOO much of a pity party, as a handsome stranger ran after me last
week to give me a beautiful red rose. And that's really wonderful, and
I appreciate it very much. But I'm not talking about a single (emphasis
on SINGLE) rose. I'm talking about long lasting love. Where did that
go?
I've got no problem
GETTING men...the problem seems to be KEEPING them.
It's a sad day, when
say to another single friend, "I'm seriously thinking about telling
guys I date that I'm divorced." Shocked, she asks why. I tell her
that I am tired of men asking me if I've ever been married and when I
say, "no" Their eyes pop and they say "WHY??" When did
it become more fashionable to be divorced than to be single??? And then
she agreed, it is tough to be single, and why should we be judged for
it!?
And we decided, this
new breed of SINGLE women is holding out for a hero or at least someone
we can spend the rest of our lives with...happily. We decided to say no
to jerks, no to men who don't want to take responsibility for a
relationship, no to divorce, no to single motherhood. And we are
holding out for the RIGHT one. But somehow that has translated
to"you're too picky", "you are crazy", "what's wrong with you?"
Hmmm...if I told a guy that I was divorced with a couple of kids running
around...would he breathe a sigh of relief and think "Oh good, she
just made a mistake and got married too young." Instead of
"what's WRONG with her?"
But then again...don't
feel too sorry for me, because I find that I send men into a royal tizzy
when they meet me, doing everything in their power to win me over and
convince me that they are "good" men, they are amazing men, they are THE
man. And when they finally succeed in breaking down my protective,
possibly jaded, walls, they walk. No phone call (see last column) no
explanation, nothin'. Just walk away, like I'm the latest edition of
XBOX that they've mastered and are ready to move onto the next edition.
AND! 90% of them end up coming back at some point, and when I no longer
want them or trust them, they are once again on a crusade to win my
heart. Huh? Did I turn into the "new and improved edition of
XBOX?"
I actually said to one
of the "ex's" "So how come you want to date me again? When you
broke up with me you told me that 'in our quest to find our soul
mate you are not the one', so why the change of heart?" He
actually told me that "back then" I was too vulnerable, but now that I
was tough as nails and independent, I was now very desirable. So...JADED
is....good? Basically it translates to...I am once again a challenge,
unattainable, but as soon as he breaks down the walls and sees my
vulnerable side again, I'm sure he'd walk, or run...who knows. I'm not
giving him a second chance or any other loser that walked away from me,
the first time. Did I hear you say..."jaded"?
Another "ex" recently
asked if I was dating anyone. When I asked him the same, he said, "I'm
holding out for you, baby. I'm just waiting for you to give me the word
and then I'm coming there and getting down on bended knee and asking for
your hand in marriage. We'll have a couple of kids, you want kids?"
I told him he was a day late and dollar short. Was I too vulnerable
when I was in love with him (4 years ago) and would have done anything
just to be with him? But now that I'm JADED I'm the catch of the
century? Once again, I present a challenge. So what does all this tell
us single ladies? Be a hard as nails bitch to catch your man...and STAY
that way FOREVER, so you are always a challenge. Well, I'm baffled!
.
And you know what?
I'm TIRED too. (Jaded and tired!?) I'm a great catch!! (And so are many
of my single girl friends -- note I said "many" there is always one
cuckoo in the lot) -- just ask any of our "ex's" that come crawling back
knockin' on our doors. So, come and get us! But before you do "come
and get us" with bells and whistles and parades...make sure you really
want to keep someone in your life and are not just playing the latest
game that landed on your doorstep, cause we are "final sale, no refunds,
no exchanges", boyz, and we are WORTH every penny.
Last column had some
pretty serious questions...so I thought I'd have some fun...here are a
bunch from a lawyer who's entire job entails searching the web to make
sure his celebrity clients are not on any porn sites (what a job!)
Dearest
Dating/Relationship Ad Infinitum Genius:
Question #1: Okay, so we all agree
you must serve valid notice upon the poor defenseless de-betrothed, BUT
how do you feel about email Dear Johns/Janes? Is it kosher to reject via
email if say you've only gone on a few dates...hmmm maybe 18 dates...
okay...if you are married w/ children? I mean there must certainly be a
lot of gray area considering you don't even know whether the person
actually received the email or whether it was accidentally purged into
the delete folder along with the other lascivious spam... (And as a
lawyer I for one absolutely LOVE gray area cause people pay lotsa $$$$
to hack through it with my legal machete!!)
JN: I'm OK with Dear John/Janes via
email in the first month of dating, or after a few dates. And frankly,
an email after longer than this is still better than no word at
all. 18 dates? That's about 4 months...a phone call will suffice.
Because I know that you are afraid to get a pie in the face by doing it
in person. Yes, there is gray area these days with regard to email,
that's why a phone call or in person is really the best way, don't you
agree? Married with children! Now come on! Are you really going to
send your WIFE an email telling her that you are leaving her?! Bend
over mister, so I can personally spank you!
Question #2: Someone I know, let's
call him Crash, just had a car accident and has rented a
convertible...albeit an unpretentious one at that. Is it cool, gay or
simply pathetic to drive a convertible? Or is it so pathetic -- it's
kitschy? Or so gay -- it's hetero?
JN: An unpretentious convertible? No
such thing. Convertibles are cool. Not gay, not kitschy, not pathetic,
just...pretentious. (I had one myself, dahlink...) So!? Tell "Crash"
to be pretentious, have fun and DRIVE CAREFULLY!!!!
Question #3: If you found someone's
fiance topless on the Internet would you tell them? Hey, stop shaking
your head with disdain; I get paid to search celebrity porn sites!!!
Signed: Attorney of
Love
JN: I'm going to assume that the guy
is your friend and not the fiance...hmm-tough call. How about, going to
the guy's house or having him over your house to just hang out and drink
beers and then start surfing around on the internet and accidentally
find the photo and say, "Hey Dude, look at this chick, she
could be your fiance's twin sister!" And let him deal
with whether it is or isn't her.
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
So, the new trend in murder is killing your
pregnant wife and then trying to seriously to get away with it!? Guys!
Just leave her, for Pete's sake! Could child support really be worse
than putting your wife and unborn child at the bottom of a lake or in a
landfill? Geez, I miss the good ol' days when people were just trying to
"off" politicians with powdered envelopes...
*****************************************************************
|
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!"
December 8, 2004
Ah...the HOLIDAYS! Don’t we just love em’! Or
not....
Word on the street is that the
holidays bring added stress, blues, loneliness, and just plain ol’
aggedda.
Here’s the consensus:
-
There is never enough time to shop for gifts,
send out cards, attend or throw parties
-
People feel ALONE if they don’t have a spouse,
beau or someone special to share the holidays with
-
In-laws and family make some people miserable
-
Past loved ones are deeply missed
-
There is NEVER enough money to buy gifts
for everyone
-
Family feuds hang in the air
-
Overall high expectations from society -- we
must possess the ability to “do it all.”
Well, let me tell ya people, you
can’t DO it all. And I don’t think that there is one person in the
world (including Martha Stewart this year -- she can’t get a damn
thing done!) who isn’t feeling a bit stressed right now. But I have
a few tips to help you out.
Instead of dwelling on what we
don’t have or can’t achieve, or can’t afford, let’s take inventory
of what we should really be THANKFUL for:
-
FAMILY Be
grateful for the family that you do have and love. Some people
don’t have any family at all; if you are lucky enough to HAVE
family...don’t hold grudges, at least for these next few weeks.
(Make amends, or at least try to make amends, and if it doesn’t
work, you have a whole nutha’ year to feud again)
-
FRIENDS
Appreciate the precious ones you have, and maybe make some new
ones. Invite a neighbor that you give a pleasant “hello” to every
morning into your home, for a cup of coffee or a drink. That cute
guy down the street, bake him some cookies. (don’t worry about
buying all your buddies gifts, just tell them that this year is
tight for you, and if they don’t understand...then they aren’t
really your friends.)
-
FREEDOM
Rejoice because we don’t have bombs going off every five minutes
outside our homes. Taking off our shoes is a humbling experience
at the airport and I REALLY hate it, but at least we have the
freedom to go wherever we want (well, except to Cuba) and whenever
we want. And at least for now (until Bushie slowly takes away our
rights) we can SAY whatever we want.
-
FLIRTATION So you
don’t have a beau? Well, go find one! Not an easy task right
before the holidays, but TAKE A RISK. Answer an ad, go to an
on-line dating site and at least look at the pictures of the
available ones (why not check out
www.DatingGenius.com!). If you are at a party or a bar, go up
to that cutie in the corner. SO WHAT if you get rejected, at
least you had the courage to take a chance. Maybe something good
will come of it; maybe their friend will think you are hot. Call
an old beau, just to wish him/her a Happy Holiday. Maybe he/she
is missing you too. Just shake things up and do something out of
the ordinary, if you are feeling blue. OR enjoy that fact that
you are SINGLE and there aren’t kids running around with dripping
noses, screaming their heads off, crying, staining your favorite
sofa with poop. Be glad there is no one nagging you to take out
the trash. Relish that you are master of your domain!
-
FUN Find the fun
in the holidays, because there is lots of FUN to be had. Hit
EVERY party that you are invited to (a feat, but achievable, I
assure you!) Throw a party even if you don’t have the time, make
it easy, buy some cheap wine, chips and a few hors d’oeuvre. Who
cares if it’s not a perfect party? It’s the company that
matters. Get drunk and laugh your ass off surrounded by the
people that you love most!
-
FEAST Forget about your diet; enjoy the food, booze,
desserts and chocolate. Deal with diet in the New Year. It will
probably be your resolution, anyway...(I had a guy comment on how
full my plate was on Thanksgiving -- and again, when I took
seconds. Geez! It was Thanksgiving! You are supposed to stuff
your face! How dare he!? He also happened to be about six inches
shorter than I, and I really wanted to tell him that I needed more
food than he, since I had much more bone mass to feed, but I held
my acid tongue, as it was a day to be THANKFUL!)
-
FORTUNE
Share you good fortune with those who are in need this time
of year. Take the focus off yourself. Give to a toy or food
drive, lend a helping hand. Maybe when you see that there are
many who lack family, food, fortune, and the simple things we take
for granted in life, you will appreciate what you DO have.
Now I believe at this point you
have read my column, taken it in and thought about someone else who
should probably do these things...but not you. Sounds good on
paper huh? Enough to make you feel better for about 10 seconds.
Well, I mean YOU! Get off your damn rump and do one of the
above, NOW! Make a promise to me and to yourself. Take a risk --
DO SOMETHING!
Happy Holidays! See ya next
year, dahlinks!
A comment from last column...
Dear Guru:
Remarkable that you would call Monica
Lewinsky a fat slut. And you consider yourself a liberal feminist?
Is there something wrong with a woman being overweight that you have
to ridicule her for it? And she's a slut why exactly? Because she
fell for and had sex with an older man? What does that make Bill
Clinton? A hero, I suppose. --Buckaroo
JN: Remarkable? Nah. We
can all admit that Monica is/was overweight, so isn’t fat just a
rude synonym for overweight? Why rude? Well, she was a slut, not
because she slept with an OLDER man. Please, let’s cut the crap.
She slept with a MARRIED man, who was PRESIDENT of our country, IN
the Oval Office, a place that should be treated with respect and
dignity. So basically she had NO RESPECT for herself, the
institution of marriage or our country. And who lets a perv put a
cigar where babies are made!? And now she rides on that infamy by
making designer purses!? Get real, will ya? And as far as Bill
Clinton is concerned. He made his own bed... And for the record,
I’ve NEVER called myself a liberal feminist, those are your words.
I’m simply indefinable!
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
See
above column. I REALLY want you guys to take a risk this holiday
season! Love you all!
You can write to Joanne at
webmaster@joannenewborn.tvheaven.com or check out her website at
www.joannenewborn.tvheaven.com. You can chat live with Joanne
on Wednesday, January 26, 2005 at
www.TheFishBowl.com!
**********************************************************
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!"
November 9, 2004
Happy Election 2004! Well, happy for some,
devastating for others. Bottom line is, its
over, with no recount this time, so we must move forward with our lives.
HOWEVER, believe it or not, the 2004 election, has affected our LOVE
LIVES. Some of you may be thinking, huh?
So let me spell it out for you.
Prior to the elections, at least two years prior, if
someone I dated told me that they were “for” Bush. I listened very
intently as to why. Because I really did want to find out WHY, and then
promptly never saw them again. I’ve heard much the same from other
friends’ of mine. But now that the elections are over, the elections
we’ve been anticipating for the last four years (since Bush DIDN’T win
the first time) we have resigned ourselves, or rejoice, that George
Doubleya Bush is our leader, and hope and pray for the best -- or that
at the very least he’ll get impeached for something worse than fooling
around with a fat, slut in the oval office.
So how does that affect our LOVE LIVES? Now that the
next four years of Bush are ahead of us, there really are no “Bush
Supporters” anymore. He can’t possibly be elected again, so we just
have to live our lives. BUT! This opens up the possibility of dating
many more people! Now, if you are a staunch Democrat or Republican, I
can’t help you, you can only date half the country. While, I can date
the entire country! Well, the entire straight, male, unmarried,
population.
Now, if you are gay or lesbian -- your life has
changed dramatically since the election. Recently, same sex couples
were marrying as quickly as reverends could utter the words "Do
you..?". But now, not only has same sex marriage been nixed, one friend
of mine fears that our President will soon require gays and lesbians to
wear arm bans, so that they can be easily identified, and scorned, I
suppose, by Jesus lovin’ hoo-haws.
AND many Americans have threatened to move to other
countries, and the consensus is...we are not really wanted.
[Disgruntled
Democrats seeking a safe Canadian haven after U.S. President George W.
Bush won Tuesday's election should not pack their bags just yet.
Canadian officials made clear on Wednesday that any U.S. citizens so fed
up with Bush that they want to make a fresh start up north would have to
stand in line like any other would-be immigrants -- a wait that can take
up to a year. Those wishing to move to Canada could always take a risk
and claim refugee status -- the path chosen earlier this year by two
U.S. deserters who opposed the Iraq war. Refugee cases are handled by
special boards, which can take months to decide whether to admit
applicants. The rulings can be appealed and opposition politicians
complain some people ordered deported have been in Canada for 10 years
or more. --
OTTAWA, Canada (Reuters)
Wednesday, November 3, 2004]
I don’t think any countries want us...as we have
become the new “refugee.” A “Bushugee”, if you will. So my
“date”ablity in foreign countries has dropped dramatically. A problem
that is worse than the American dollar dropping in value.
But mostly, it’s been hard to have a date at all
without discussing politics. When guys tried to pick me up before the
elections, we would get into huge heated political discussions, with
screeching cats and dogs, and chickens flying through the air. At the
end they would ask me out anyway, and we parted in peace, only to return
home to burn their phone numbers.
I’m tired of politics. I just want to go out and have
fun. I want to enjoy the joys of being an AMERICAN. I want to eat
yummy food, drink wine, laugh, act silly, and see a good movie (OK,
that’s another column -- are there any good movies anymore?).
So thank goodness the elections are over! My love
life has been on hold for 4 years. I’m ready to DATE WITHOUT DEBATE!!
Onto Advice!
Dear Guru:
My boyfriend and I were going out for 6
months and he suddenly freaked out and broke up with me. I was
devastated, and it was very hard to get over him and move on. As soon,
as I moved on, he started calling again, wanting me back. So we got
back together. Things were great for three months, until now. He’s
starting to freak out again. He says that he’s 29, and he’s not sure
why he’s not thinking about marriage or settling down. I think he might
break up with me again. Is it me? Or is it him not being ready?
Second Time Around.
JN: Well, Second Time...I made a rule in High School
after I suffered the “more than once” break up -- I would never get back
together again with an ex-boyfriend. Why? The pain was too devastating
the first time, and to go through it more than once, was just sick and
wrong. I don’t know if his problem is “you”, or his “not being ready.”
Truth is, it doesn’t really matter. The bottom line is that he’s going
to hurt you AGAIN. You don’t deserve that. Dump him first, I say.
Let him wonder, why he MESSED up. Because if he can’t have you, he’ll
have lots of time to think about his stupid worthless life (and that’s
how he’ll think about it once you are gone again.) If he comes back a
third time then I would tell him exactly what YOU want out of the
relationship (and if you don’t know, then, think about it), and if he
can commit completely to what YOU WANT, great. If he hesitates, then
MOVE on, quickly! Best of luck!
Thoughts to Ponder
Do DENTISTS not practice in most of
the “Red States”? What happened to teeth in the middle of the
country??? Hmmm...maybe owning guns, takes priority, over buying
floss.
JOANNE NEWBORN CAN ANSWER ALL YOUR QUESTIONS. WRITE
TO HER AT
WEBMASTER@JOANNENEWBORN.TVHEAVEN.COM.
CHECK HER WEBSITE AT
WWW.JOANNENEWBORN.TVHEAVEN.COM AND HER
FREE DATING WEBSITE AT
WWW.DATINGGENIUS.COM.
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!" October
7, 2004
Hello, lovies! If you recall, a couple of
columns ago, I was feeling, JADED ¦well, not to fear, I have found a
cure. I know you must be sitting on the edge of your seat waiting with
angst. The cure is…a grand vacation! But not just ANY vacation. It
must be a place filled with an insurmountable amount of gorgeous, hunky,
beautiful, sexy men (or women for the JADED men -- do men GET jaded??
Well, maybe gay men -- you guys go to Ibiza, Spain). I, myself chose
Puerto Rico. I actually went because a friend invited me to stay with
her family, not because I was looking for a cure to my jadedness, but as
luck would have it, I discovered this scientific delight by accident.
First we stayed with
my friend's grandparents, who are in their 80's, adorable and still IN
LOVE. Yes, people, it does happen!!! Her grandmother cooked her heart
out and filled us with delectable delights and heaps of rice and beans
each day -- remember "Like Water for Chocolate"? The love was in the
food.¦
After site seeing
like crazy, we had a local "hook up," my friend's cousin, who directed
us to the hippest places in Puerto Rico to party our jaded asses off.
Each night we were swarmed with beautiful Hispanic Gods, who spurted
wonderful messages of lust and love to us. And for the first time ¦I
knew better than to BELIEVE them. And I spurted back whatever they
wanted to hear, whether true or not. My goodness, I was finally
thinking like a guy, and I was loving it!!! Each night brought a new
stockpile of men, and my cell phone was ringing like crazy. My ego was
bursting, my senses were titillated and I don't think I even remembered
what the word jaded meant. (Is that even a word?)
Nearing the end of
the trip, we happened upon yet another treat, we spent the day with my
friend's cousin who is a priest and his very wonderful pious mother. It
was an unexpected religious experience/pilgrimage, if you will. And
epiphanies were had all around. If you ever get the chance, do it. I
won't divulge details, but I will tell you that it involved sanctuaries,
blessings, prayers, thunder, lightening, and tears. Trust me just DO
IT!
I came home with the
memory of 4 "suitors" in 8 days, and the promise of a visit from the
last and best "suitor" who is going to teach me how to make authentic
Puerto Rican rice and beans. Mmmm can't wait!
The lesson just
live life and have fun. Don't think about the future, enjoy each day as
it comes, and each new wonderful surprise as it reveals itself. Have
faith in what you believe in and want to achieve, but don't dwell on
it. Now, I was able to do that for 8 days ¦let's see if I can do it
for a lifetime.
On to the questions!
Q:
Help- Thought you might have some answers since you are date column
woman. I like two boys. Gone out on several dates with both. Made out
with one, would like to make out with the other. They both appear to be
interested and are calling. I have dates with both this week. What is
the protocol? Wacky-no good men for months and months and now two
that I actually connect with. Poop! Is it possible to date both? Do
you tell them? Do you wait until they wanna talk about "what's going on
between you". Advice? --Two good vs. wacky men
JN: Well, good for
you!!! Two is better than wacky! Yes, it seems that when it rains it
pours, otherwise a drought. That's because when you are happy and
dating one person, you become much more attractive to the rest of the
species. The challenge theory -- they want what they can't have.
However, you are in a very good position. No need to define anything (I
know, its hard to do, we women like to define things), no need to tell
them about the other, unless you WANT to invoke jealousy, which could be
good. By all means, make out with both (no problems there), date both,
but here's the tricky part... Don't sleep with either of them, until
you know them better. Unfortunately, this is hard, because we all know
that by the third date, men are expecting something. (Impatient
rats) But if that's the case, then throw that one away. For now, just
enjoy the attention, and have fun!
Q:
What if the guy I love ain't my hubby craziness but I always think
about that other guy, always. I guess it is a good thing that I have no
idea what his last name is and no way of getting a hold of him. Just
wish I could go back in time and look him in the eyes and say, you know
what, I am in love with you, always will be, forever, so here is my
heart and if you feel nothing for me let me know so that I can put you
behind me and move the fuck on. What should I do? Stay in a marriage
for my kids sake? I would die for them in a heartbeat. So I shouldn't
keep this thing together, though my husband is the biggest brat I've
ever known. What to do, so let me know, great Queen. -- Lost Love
JN: Thank you for
the royalty association! If you don't even know the last name of guy you
"love," it couldn’t have been anything REAL. AND if it had been real,
on both sides, I'm sure this guy would have sent some signals to you a
long time ago. I think what you have done, is created the "perfect man"
in your head and in your fantasies, and he has the face of this guy. I
think you had a great time with him at some point in your life and now
have built him up to fulfill your every desire. But that is never
life. These fantasies that we create don't exist. You haven't said
anything really bad about your hubby, except that he is a brat. I'm
gong to let you in on a little secret. ALL MEN ARE BRATS AND BABIES.
Get used to it. If you are willing to die for your children, then I
think you owe them this. Take a good look at your husband. Try to
remember why you were attracted to him and fell in love with him in the
first place, because you wouldn't have married him or gotten involved
with him otherwise. Try to make the fantasies that you have about this
other guy, the realities in your own marriage. Stop dwelling on the
past and fake fantasies, and see your wonderful present and future with
a man who REALLY LOVES YOU.
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Why do we care about Brittany
Spears' love life? She's a mere kid, who snaps her gum, makes hasty,
bad decisions, and can't really sing that well.
Boy, am I delinquent...well, things
have been a "happenin" but that isn't any excuse for keeping y'all waiting
with bated breath for the next column. So here it is, lovelies!
I've
been itchin' to write a column about men who cheat on their wives and
think, that its perfectly normal, but it is being overwritten by this
column -- WOMEN WHO ARE TOTAL BIOTCHES!!!. Now, not to worry, I promise
my next column will be about those cheatin' scoundrels.
The
following happened while I was in wine store not too long ago, in Santa
Monica, CA -- here are some SHOCKING observations that I witnessed.
Couple
number one: Probably
in their sixties, slightly overweight...OK...downright portly, looking
like a beach type couple. Woman was blonde, huffing and puffing (not out
of breath, but perturbed), following her husband around the wine shop,
nastily jumping down his throat with every breath he took. They asked for
help. He meekly told the merchant that he was looking for a wine that
he...but wait...he was cut off by his wife:
HUFF
PUFF...(nasty shriek) "HE'S LOOKING FOR SOME WINE HE HAD! huff puff...
IT'S A RED!"
The
merchant asks if it is a California wine. HUFF PUFF..."OH PLUUEASE!
HEEEEE THINKS ITS FROM FRANCE!"
(as if France were the most unlikely place wine could ever be made)
Husband says
nothing. Mrs. Huff Puff just keeps huffpuffing away. Merchant scurries
away to find wine, embarrassed for his fellow "whipped" male.
Now, you may be thinking, "Oh, miss
columnist, what do you know? You've never been married!" But I also have
not witnessed this kind of behavior in my upbringing. My parents cherish
each other, every second of every day. Now that's not to say that neither
one of them does anything annoying (oh, they do!), but they "overlook" it,
if you will. They see the faults and glide over them. I've never seen my
mother just explode, especially in public -- at my Dad. This is
also not to say that my mother is a doormat. She certainly is not...her
nickname is Mount Vesuvious, (oh...I've seen her explode, just not at my
Dad) so you do the math.
Allz I'm sayin' is...that if I had
someone that was so special in my life, and I married that man (and
that would mean, I thought this man was my soul mate, and partner for
life), I wouldn't go screaming my damn head off in a liquor store at him,
just because he was looking to buy some fine wine. If you find love,
darlings, treasure it! It's not an easy thing to find...I know! Now!
Onto
the question...just one...it's a longie:
Q:
I am having trouble wit my seven-year relationship, but I'm not ready to
walk away yet. I need to talk to someone.
LOST
JN:
Dear Lost: You certainly are. I wrote back to
you with a list of very specific questions, but never received a reply.
It's hard to answer such vague question. But I'm going to do my best to
help you anyway. Now, I don't know if you wrote "wit", because you are so
distraught with pain and grief that your overflowing tears hit the
keyboard and your finger slipped so you mistyped the word, or if you just
live in a mobile home in West Virginia with your mate, and have trouble
spelling. Seven years is a long time, and you've invested quite a bit of
yourself, so why should you just walk away?
Is you mate trying to break up with
you? Did someone cheat? Did you start dating when you were 14 and have
outgrown one another? Who knows? But if you love this person, and as you
say, are not ready to "walk away" then you should seek help, at least for
yourself for now. Go see a therapist or a counselor so you can air these
feelings. Keeping it inside will only drive you mad. If the other person
is rejecting you after seven long years, you need to find out all the
"whys". So open the phone book, or your health insurance provider guide,
or get a recommendation from someone you trust and go see a therapist,
for your own sanity. Because you couldn't even answer my email with the
questions that I asked you, I think you might have trouble actually going
to a therapist. You seem like you want help, but aren't ready to take the
plunge into looking at yourself and maybe your own faults. (Ah ha!)
First work on YOU. After that, you can work on the relationship...if you
still want to work it out.
Couple number two:
Mid-Thirties, both were pretty good looking, and in shape. Man was alone
in wine shop looking around. Dark haired woman entered: "WE'RE
LEAVING!!!!!!!!" Man continued looking around the wine shop, and asked a
merchant some questions. Woman: "I SAID...'WE'RE LEAVING!" WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING!??!?!?!?!?" Man calmly (how could he be calm? I would have
chopped her head off by now) answered, "I'm looking for a wine that I had
last week." The man continued to ask merchant questions until he found
the wine. Meanwhile the woman crossed her arms and tapped her foot until
he was done.
Now,
I can't imagine why these two women were so...well...biotchy! I would
have been thrilled if my husband took the time and interest in finding a
fine wine that he enjoyed, while we were shopping on a beautiful Saturday
afternoon. I LOVE wine! (I'd be happy just to have the time to poke
around Santa Monica). So I came up with a few good reasons why they could
have been so upset with their men:
a)
The husbands had enjoyed the fine wines while they were out cheating on
their wives.
b) The wives were in AA.
c) The husbands were in AA.
d) The husbands would never share the
fine wine with their wives.
e) All women who live in Santa Monica,
CA are raving biotches.
I don't believe any of them except
maybe letter "e", so what's the problem? What happens when people get
married? Do they just subtly cut each other down, bit by bit, like slow
Chinese water torture until someone finally turns into a raving maniac?
I have a friend (and I know she'll kill me when she reads this, but its
for the sake of art, and truth...right???) who is getting married who just
told me, "We've been fighting a lot lately...well, we haven't been
fighting...I've been yelling at him a lot and punching him in the
stomach." Huh?
Now, I know that men can do things
that will definitely make you want to explode, but what happened to
talking, or telling someone, "Hey honey, I love ya, but this thing you do
(insert thing) is really buggin' me."
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
Shouldn't the rich person be happier and more grateful for all one has,
than some poor slob who has to work his/her butt of to make ends meet?
"Men Stink & Women are Biotches!"
September 2, 2004
Greetings, dahlinks! I have been getting many requests
from my male readers to include a male counterpoint. I have been very
open to such counterpoints but no one was MAN enough to take on the
challenge -- until now! Below is a dialog that I had with said
counterpoint, we'll call him,"The Courting Jester" (at his request). And
with this column I want to illuminate how differently men and women
think. Not pointing a finger, just pointing out how many of our
male/female misunderstanding come about. Below are direct quotes from
emails that my Courting Jester and I sent to one another about a
relationship drama that he was involved in. As you will see...somehow we
got onto different pages...
(this comment is about my last column, if youz
get confused...)
MALE:
Kudos on your topless fiance remedy! But are you liable if your advice
goes awry? Better include a disclaimer from now on...
I suggest you occasionally
have a male counterpoint to your column. And I think I know just the
right person who would be glad to oblige!
P.S. Men come back mostly b/c
they were just jilted and need to assuage their deflated ego and/or they
want sex. Nuff said.
Female (me!):
I'd be more than happy to add your opinions/counterpoint...go for it!
MALE:
I will write a learned treatise on relationships for
your column...that is after I have finished licking my wounds from two
stunning co-worker debacles!
Female:
ooo...tell me more about the work scandal...please!
MALE:
I think it might be too traumatic for me to relive the pain of the most
recent flare-up. Suffice to say it wasn't pretty and I am currently a
strong advocate of AVOIDING co-workers at all costs...especially bipolar
ones who tell you they're damaged goods!!!
Is there a sane girl in the
house?
Female: I
don't know...is there a sane guy in the house (can you say
"two-timer!")...I still want details!
MALE:
Two timing is not insane -- just unethical.
A girl telling me she wants to f me on
my desk and then saying she just wants to be friends but still fool around
but only when she feels like it and then leaving for Bali for 3 weeks w/o
saying goodbye --- now that is insane!!!!
It just gets me riled
writing about it!
Female:
ok...i think I know why...She liked you, a lot. She found out that you
were two timing her. She felt hurt, a lot. She still liked you so, you
can still boff her, but on her terms, and she wants to beat you to the
punch of ending the "relationship part" before you do, and hurt her more.
Of course she'll leave for Bali w/o saying good-bye. You hurt her (by two
timing in the office!) She felt worthless, so she wants you to feel that
way too. She has no need to say good-bye there are much brighter pastures
ahead for her.
Sorry, its so cut and dry...but that's my
insight. Sorry you are down....
MALE:
Exactly...
Except for the fact that
I've never two-timed anybody in my life!
I was just correcting your
definition of insanity...
She's just "damaged goods,"
as she herself related -- and doesn't want to get close to me cause of
some traumatic childhood experience---very textbook.
Female:
OK...if that's a quote, then she needs therapy. And PLEASE correct me if
I'm wrong...but didn't you tell me that you were seeing two females that
were both in your office at the same time?
MALE:
The latest was my rebound from the previous one! I'm leaving so I figured
what the heck!!! Silly moi!!! And I knew the latest was bipolar -- so I
dug my own graves...
BTW: Misquoting leads to
libel suits!!! Be careful!!!
Female:
One...I still don't think I misquoted...there were two, and then there was
one...unless you dated THREE women in the office...DID YOU? I'm
confused. You are doing lawyer babble to me!
MALE:
Okay for those of you watching at home:
One co-worker FOLLOWED by
another co-worker...
TWO (2) altogether. Double
the fun---Twice the drama!!!
This ends the dialog
portion of the column...now, where does the truth lie? I distinctly
remember going to a party with counterpoint and he specifically
bragged that he was dangerously dating two women at work at the
SAME time. Yet, he says otherwise. Hence if we were a couple we'd be
fighting like cats and dogs over this. (Well, if we were a couple...he
shouldn't be dating two women at work...but you get my drift).
I'm going to say no more...and pass the baton
(I'm still in Olympic mode) to my male counterpoint. Take it away!
Defending My Strife
Haven't I suffered enough? Now I must placate
our Joanne, the plucky princess of prurient practices? Hmmm... Well, okay,
I shall martyr myself on behalf of my henpecked brethren who have suffered
long enough without proper delegation, i.e., those who have suffered
castration without representation!
I stand before you downtrodden, a noble sort
beaten to a proverbial pulp by two young fillies both more than a decade
my junior! One would think one melodramatic passion play would have
sufficed, but like a drug addict I could not stop myself, as the promise
of great highs was intoxicating... in spite of the inevitable
gut-wrenching lows...
The Passion of The Tryst
Never an advocate of dating co-workers, I went
for the gold upon learning of my vocational opportunities elsewhere. The
groundwork had already been set--I am the only eligible dude in an
otherwise law firm wasteland of harried husbands. I am also the guy who
plays it cool--never preening, pawing or pestering!!
And lo and behold the receptionist just broke up
with her boyfriend! How about lunch... then dinner... then a concert...
midnight swim... Ahemâ -- I simply won't kiss and tell anymore than I
really have to... but connect the dots--or rather, the ellipses.
Two months later she rediscovers her principles
of not dating co-workers and I am cast aside like one of those nostalgic
toys in Toy Story!
Well duh!!! She's 25, your co-worker (and
underling) and on the rebound!!! The Bermuda Triangle of Heartbreak---Yet
like one of those teens in the new Anaconda movie I just jumped right back
in!!!
Cut to:
One week later, facing recurring pain every time
I veered into my office whilst passing the infernal reception desk! Ugh!
What would free me from my inner turmoil and my flailing ego? Yes, you've
got it!! Another co-worker who had promised me via email, "fun, fun, fun"
one year prior when she too was a receptionist! (I guess I have a fetish
for phones.) But at the time I had to regretfully pass on the "fun"
because I had been dating elsewhere and, despite Ms. Newborn's libelous
conjecture, I DO NOT CHEAT!
So what could it hurt this time? It'd be a quick
fix and I was leaving
in a couple of months and all...
Okay I'll admit it, she was also easy on the
eyes... but to no one's surprise, hard on my sanity!!! I ask her out, she
lives 5 minutes away, she's a 1/2 hour late AND invites her friends!!! I
am not happy, she apologizes and subsequently molests me... For two months
(apparently the statute of limitations for flings) this continued until
she confesses she never has relationships and that she is "damaged goods."
But that we should be friends and fool around randomly... Every guy's
dream, right? Requiem for a Dream is more like it... The fine print: We
can only fool around depending upon her mood... A psychology student no
less... That is one couch I'd not lay down on!
In summation:
The morals of the story are too plentiful to
indulge. But be forewarned, men, despite the temptation, steer clear of
co-workers. Young ones. Ones on the rebound. Ones who have never had a
relationship and stamp themselves "damaged." Especially when you've
recently learned that your other vocational opportunity has been delayed
another 4 months and you must spend every moment of that time facing your
(hot and young) demons at the water cooler!
Thank you, you've been a lovely audience...
On Next Week's Episode:
Los Angeles Women: Insane or Just Faking it To
Get The Part?
There you have the
counterpoint, lovies. If you like..and want to see more, let me know.
Thank you to The Courting Jester! Now...onto
your comments and questions!
Comments
to your 8/4/04 Article on being Single and JADED.
Dear Joann:
Your complaints about singlehood are valid as many of my own single female
friends are suffering from the same dating issues. As a now married, and
formerly JADED single gal, I thought I would impart what I've learned on
the road from single to recently newly wedded.
I dated a lot of jerks in my time for longer than I would like to admit,
from the unemployed songwriter to the newly divorced investment broker,
which brings me to problem #1) Dating people who are clearly not looking
for marriage. I got stuck in that cycle for a while until I realized
something, I could actually date someone different, someone who WAS
looking for marriage or so I thought. I could look for someone I thought
would make a good husband and father instead of just someone I was only
sexually attracted too.
When, my now husband, Hal, became divorced I saw an opening. I called him
up and asked him out for a date. Since we were just friends I don't even
think he realized that it was in fact a date which only crystallized when
we went in halves on the bill. We dated for several months until he
started dating someone else while dating me. Now, he told me this person
was just a friend even though I knew better but I continued to date him
anyway. Another thing I would normally never do.
After a couple of more months, it became clear to me when he went on a
weekend getaway with his friend that their relationship was more than he
was willing to admit, so I broke it off. Now, he was always honest that
he was not looking for a commitment and had never hid the fact that he was
spending time with another woman from out-of-state, I can't blame him for
that. Oddly enough I later found that after we split he stopped seeing
his friend as well. I guess we both wanted the same thing from him and he
wasn't interested.
Now here's the most important thing I learned. Relationships don't always
have to start out perfectly, to end up perfectly. When I told him I
thought we should stop dating, he simply agreed. There were no harsh
words or fingers pointed just an agreement that it wasn't working and that
we would be friends. It was the first time I left a relationship with my
dignity, for once I chose not to take it personally. And he was the only
man I ever split with that I really wanted to stay friends with. I can
honestly say there isn't one other man I ever dated that I could really be
friends with, why? Because we were never really friends, lovers yes, but
friends, no. I wanted men to feed my ego and my insecurities by staying
with me but not by being my friend. In short, I don't think I cared half
as much about those other men as I did my own feelings. But with Hal it
was different. He was nice, funny, smart, and interesting to talk to. I
realized he wasn't intentionally trying to hurt me.
I let 6 weeks go by before seeing him again and when we did get together
it was only during the day for lunch in public places. I still had
feelings for him and thought it too dangerous to meet at his/my place
especially in the evening with cocktails involved.
A few months went by and we started officially dating again and when I
asked him why he wanted to get back together he merely said that he had
time to think about it, he missed me and realized that I was the person he
wanted to be with. Plain and simple. Now, in my past I would never have
gone back with someone that could discard me so easily. I was a one
chance only kind of woman. But this was different somehow. I, for once,
took a man's word at face value and did the unthinkable, I went back to
him. I realized I needed to reevaluate my rules of dating conduct of never
going back. Maybe going back to someone who didn't want me didn't mean
what I thought it meant.
I have to admit going back the second time was a bit easier because I had
already lost him once but I realized he didn't previously reject me, he
just rejected what I wanted, a committed relationship. And that's where I
think we women have got it wrong. We take things too personally and blame
men for not wanting what we want. And when those men decide they want us
back, we defiantly reject them merely for rejecting us the first time.
So Joann, when you commented that your old bo' wanted you back because you
seem harder and more JADED, it translates to me that he's saying you're
not so needy anymore. And let's face it needy isn't attractive which is
why my now husband departed from me in the first place. Once I wasn't so
needy anymore a real relationship could begin and 5 years later we were
married (waiting 5 years for a ring is yet another issue in where most
women would have bailed but I'll save that for another conversation).
The biggest gem I can impart on the single wanting to be married women
wannabe's is to realize that men are not the enemy. They are just guys
and they think differently than we do on a different time frame (call it
lack of eggs if you will). They are not out to hurt us or ruin our lives.
They want someone who's emotionally healthy just like we do. Love is
humiliating and any good relationship is going to be filled with moments
of it on the road to a healthy relationship. If you turn it into a pissing
contest or a power struggle, you will lose BUT If you allow good men
second chances, you might find yourself never having to date again.
Signed,
Happily Married in Santa Monica
JN: Dear
Happily Married in Santa Monica. I'm so happy that you are happy. Good
advice. HOWEVER...its ironic that you didn't practice what you preached.
You could not have gone after a more unlikely candidate for a
husband, and after it ended you continued to pursue him a mere few weeks
later. I admire you tenacity...I guess determination and patience of
(waiting for 5 years for that ring) really paid off. I'd rather take a
lesson from that, than your actual advice for me (although you are very
right in your last paragraph -- no pissing contests please...somehow they
DO turn into that at times). And as I told another friend who told me to
re-evaluate "ex's". Its very important to know when to see the red flag
of the certain "ex's" -- the selfish bastards who claim they want you
back, but the truth is they just want another chance to get back into your
pants. Watch out for those snakes in the grass! One doesn't want to feel
like a fool twice! But you trusted your instincts and good for you! (By
the way...it's "Joanne")
Dear Joanne:
I have been lovers with a 55 year old man
for the past 6 years. I am 40, and men consider me hot, in great shape,
and great looking. I am also highly intelligent- (chemistry, Physics
conversations) though in this love situation, I might as well be a
cheerleader! He finally dumped me for no reason except that he feels a
"psychic pressure" to give and supply more of what he should be supplying,
(more companionship, care giving, gifts, closeness, etc). It has been like
a booty call relationship for all this time, in addition to him helping me
materially with things, trips, and car repair help, even algebra tutoring.
We have an incredible sexual chemistry which is still strong and huge.
Unfortunately, He is mostly impotent, except when I give him my special
treatment which I am good at! I will be surprised if he can ever find
someone around here who knows how to do these things for him. Supposedly,
I am "too hot", "too intense", etc. I am headed towards being a nurse (RN)
in a year, and have just received my LPN license. I am a student and
single mom. He knows I will be moving away to a big city next year, and I
feel he is trying to break this sex connection because he is actually
feeling in love with me. Also, he feels like it is impossible to please me
sexually. (Which isn't true, I can be satisfied sleeping next to him, I
adore him!). He says we will never marry, although he thinks about it a
lot. We have an open relationship, and though I've dated a lot, and even
had three marriage proposals from the rich ones, I still want my lover! he
has not had anything with anyone for a long time, just a couple dates
which didn't amount to anything- and he always came back to me!
The thing is, I would like to marry him!
and this is the psychic pressure he feels, I am sure! What can I do to get
my lover back!!! He wants to be friends now, but I can't do it well when
just sitting near him gives me hot flashes of desire!!! He has said he
wants to get physical but he's "not ready to take on the entire me"! HELP!
I don't want to be without his visits and good times while battling my
last year of college, and being a single mom in a town where the men have
no teeth and are either mormons or speedfreaks! He is so perfect for
me!!!I can't give him up! What to do Joanne!? Thank you and more power to
you -showing how we beat each other down when we are given a divine chance
to love someone! Thank you for talking about bitches and cheaters! Signed,
RN to Be.
Dear RN to Be:
Well, I don't think you are going to like what I'm
going to tell you, but I must tell you! You deserve
so much better than this guy. Its hard to see right now, because
you've been in this weird situation with him for 6 long years; you are
working hard in school; and are a single mom, so the little bit of joy
that you get from this situation seems like enough, but really, its not.
You said yourself it was a mostly a "booty call" but it doesn't even sound
like there is much BOOTY involved, since he is mostly impotent. And he
says he feels like it is impossible to satisfy you sexually, well he's
right (!) if you are satisfied to just be next to him...read: he is
not satisfying you sexually! You already told me all the answers
that you know yourself. He said that you will never marry him. Believe
him! You don't WANT to be married to this impotent, self-loathing small
town man (who may have teeth, which may be his only asset.). You are
YOUNG!!! ("men consider me hot, in great shape, and great looking. I
am also highly intelligent") You are becoming an RN!!! You are moving
to big city!!! Instead of dwelling on what you can't have with this guy
for only one more year, concentrate on all the wonderful things to come!
Plus you have a child to take care of. One year is a tiny sacrifice when
you have the rest of your wonderful life ahead of you. Close the door on
this guy now, so that when you get to the big city with your new
degree and RN status, your door will be wide open for all the excitement
and joy that's still to come for you!
THOUGHTS TO PONDER
After watching weeks of Olympic games, I
wondered how we all became so different. Didn't we all come from the same
place at one time? (You know, after the ice ages, or after Adam & Eve,
depending on how you all think we got here.) And I realized that it is a
wonderful gift God gave to all of us, to BE so different. How exciting!
So how come we can't embrace and enjoy all the wonderful rich colorful
cultures around the world? Instead it seems that the multi-facets that
make us different, are the exact reasons that people HATE one another.
There is so much beauty in other cultures -- can't someone please get
this information through to all the people that kill one another for just
being "DIFFERENT?"
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