Gabrielle

Just like Doogie Houser except my intelligence level is more like Forest Gump (but he ended up rich and that's all that matters.. at least to Gabrielle)

Wow today I have realized that life has been morphed into a circus of fakes and pretenders. Isn't that what we all are.. really? Who are we, who am I? What is love... to me it seems like a drug. Always a short lived one. But we don't live long anyways right.

Life is just a tremendous at times treacherous journey. At the time of tribulations it feels like hell but then years later its as if your looking back on some one else's life altogether. I cant believe how much my life has changed and yet there are still bitter thoughts that run through my head, sometimes I feel really selfish like, I have so much in my life I now live the American dream! Drive a blue beamer live in a million$+ home with a view of the Ocean and it still at times doesn't seem like enough why is that?

Because the pit of my soul has been voided out. Or was till I just realized that a home doesn't have to be perfect to be a home. The counter doesn't always have to be spotless. The floor can have toys all over it the beds can all be unmade and god knows that that can still be a home. But the home comes from with in and is fueled by love. Even just temporary short bursts of pretend love will do the trick. Everything is temporary anyways why hold back just because all odds are not in your favor and you know for a fact that you two will never ever have a shot in hell at lasting another month.

Who cares anymore. Just try and live in the moment, isn't it all a dream anyways?

Am I a cry baby or like most humans I always want more, terrible huh. Sorry I am such a crab huh!

So what do I do when life seems like there is a missing hole in my life. I think for a while I was filling that void with food. And then dumping that temporary fill by vomiting it up instead of taking responsibility and working it off later on.

What do you take into the next world...NOTHING! Can you believe it NOTHING! I cant believe how fast 26% of my life has gone by that's assuming I live to be 100 right.

You know what is a great fill for that empty whole... I do, love. Love makes you feel warm inside makes me feel cozy and that you could go on forever flying above the mountains. It gives you sprightly feelings whenever you re-live it.

Temporary love is that where its at? Am I really the kind of person that wants to be with one man for the rest of my life? I can easily say that with my experiences with men, NO! I think that men are a little like hay barrel rides when you first get on its really fun and then the ride starts slowing down and then you got to get off and move on to the next and more exciting event. But what if he is really special? Then not so easy to let go huh.

Speaking of dreams dose it seem like sometimes they play tricks on you? Because ...have you ever had someone in your dream that in real life you never even thought about, like you might have thought the person was cool and then all of a sudden you started having dreams about that person and then it changed the way you thought about about them all together. What do you do when every time that person is in your dream the next day you feel good and safe like you were touched by an angel. I remember that for a couple years every so often I would have my first boyfriend in my dream and that's how I would always feel the next day. And actually there has I think one other boyfriend that had come into my dreams and then the next day I always felt that same way. Not all my boyfriends just 2 or 3. Is it your dreams playing games with your heart? Then I have to ask myself Are you a syko? or is there a such thing as reincarnation and your former self is trying to let you in on a little secret? Or is there something deep within my soul trying to scream at me something that I should already know? Or are dreams absolutely meaningless? Time will tell I am here now with my soul open and so wondering what the meaning of all of this is or is it the process... All I know is when it comes down to it I know that happiness will always have to come from within. It cant come from a boyfriend or a potatoes chip or a big house. Its only the real deal from within.

And so I know some one out there can help me but that some one has to be me. After all you don't have to be old to have wisdom and you don't have to be young to make mistakes. But you do have to be kind and real to have a beautiful life.

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