A MAN APOLOGIZES

by Ryan Johnson

 I know that most men aren’t going to pop up and apologize to you women for the years of oppression and victimization. Assuming that I’m the only one out here with the initiative and use of the English language, I’ll take it upon myself to let you have it. Being a bleeding-heart liberal civil rights maven, I’m not personally responsible for any of this crap. But as I said, I’m talking. So listen up!

Sorry about the unfair wages. That’s a piece of crap, right there. Obviously, you women can do all the jobs that we men thought we were physically and mentally unique for. You do them just as well if you’re managing the office or cutting wood. If the few college players are any indication, you should make pretty good linebackers out of yourselves as the years pass. I’m not too certain that any of you want to be, say, lumberjacks. But I’m sure there’s a lesbian out there that disagrees with me. Sorry to her, too.

Sorry about the movies. For the most part, you get the boring roles. Even David Mamet admits that he fails to write good roles for women most of the time. Usually you’re the sexpot. Always you’re the love interest. Every now and again, you’ll be some upstart rebel that wants to take down the corporation, fire a gun, or win a gold medal. But usually they give those roles to some hack like Julia Roberts and it’s only because men want to do her. The Lifetime Network is supposed to be your channel for liberation. But all they’re shows are about shopping, cooking, or mothers who have children at war. For being a self-proclaimed “network for women”, everything is very 1950’s. 

Sorry about the Lifetime Network.

Sorry about magazines. Every time my girlfriend snaps and starts running off into the land of neuroses, all I have to do is pick up a copy of “Mademoiselle” to understand what made her crazy. I would hate myself too if my body was held to such impossible standards. You’ve been told that you have to have the ass of a 14-year old, the stomach of Olive Oyl, and boobs like Roseanne Barr. Nobody cares what you have to say unless you’re talking about “pleasing your man”. You have to be unreasonably wealthy in order to buy that cornucopia of cosmetics to make yourself look artificially beautiful. You have to pluck your eyebrows out and then draw them back in. You don’t have to enjoy sex. You just have to seem like you do. Via unofficial polls and tests, you are made to believe that your man is always a hair away from cheating on you, even if he is a slovenly, pot-bellied drunk that smells like Chia soil.

Sorry about porn. Most of it is made for us and not you.

Sorry about Ann Coultier. As far as the political right is concerned, she’s supposed to be your voice. But she thinks women are too psychologically unstable to be allowed to vote. I’m sorry that she talks so much.

Now that I’ve said all that, let me make a few things clear. We still love your tits. That’s natural. Awhile ago I heard a radio interview with a sociologist that went to live with the bushmen in Africa. The point of this trip was to verify one way or the other if boobs were as much an obsession in a society where they are not demonized and flop freely in the wind all day. The results: Men love boobs even when they’re not censored. It’s not a taboo. It’s our way. Please, for the love of God, don’t put plastic in them. I myself am a worshipper of boobs. A connoisseur, if you will. Big ones, small ones. All shapes, sizes, and colors. They’re great. I’ll have you know that when you pay someone a grand to cut them open and stick Ziploc bags inside them, you’re not only abusing yourself, you’re pissing on my Vatican.

I think you should be allowed to enjoy sex. I think if you want to see a naked man, you should be allowed to go to a strip joint or rent a movie that shows someone’s penis other than Harvey Keitel’s.

And I’ll also say this. I’m a gentleman. I like opening doors for women. I like paying for dinner. I do this because I’m nice, not because I’m trying to oppress you. If you really want to keep things equal, you won’t give a damn if I do this one way or the other. But you’ll think it’s super-bitchin’ if I’m nice enough to do so.

Again, about the porn. Watching people have sex is a turn on. If we lived in a society that didn’t oppress women, we’d still have porn and everyone would dig it. In fact, I think the porn would be better. It’s a process.

So if any of you ever meet me, just know that I think you’re wonderful, able, smart people that deserve all the respect in the world, even if you have on the wrong shoes (I can’t tell the difference, anyway.). However, also know that I’ll be wanting to see you naked.