AHM Article

Hi there Dr. Dot,
My question to you is does a man claiming to be happily married
of 36 years take out a girl unbeknown to his wife of course, and offers her a
night back at his home in his bed? What does that say about the type of guy he
is? Is he really happily married?

I have an account on myspace.com, you know that popular networking web site? Anyways, I met a guy on there and we have been dating for 6 months now. We live a few hours apart, so we don't see each other that often.

Lately he has been giving me a lot of shit about comments I leave on other peoples pages and vice versa, it's starting to become the topic of our arguments and it's annoying as hell. I tell him the comments I leave mean nothing, but he gets super jealous, especially when I leave comments for other guys. Do you think this is grounds for stopping the relationship and if not, how can I get him to relax and stop checking up on me?

Myspace is fun but the cause of SOOOO many fights. I too have a myspace account and get loads of messages on there from frustrated myspace love birds. This is a growing problem. Myspace brought you two together but can also destroy what you have unless you sort things out fast. Tell him what I find very obvious; any really naughty business would never appear as a comment, it would happen in private messages, so he needs to calm the fuck down about your comments. The real problem is trust. For some reason he doesn't trust you and this will doom your relationship. Ask him why he doesn't trust you. Also, if you do leave provocative comments on other guys pages, you need to compromise; you calm down with your flirty comments and he should stop cyber stalking you. He is searching for proof that you either love him or you don't. If you do love him, show him and make him feel secure; if that doesn't help, then it's his problem, let him deal with his insecurities, just make sure you tell him you don't want to hear it. Myspace is just for fun, it shouldn't be taken so seriously.

My boyfriend wanks all the time, sometimes he is even too tired for sex with me. Can a guy be addicted to wanking, porn, or both?

A man doesn't necessarily need porn to wank. Throughout their day, they gather sexy images they see, for example, a hot waitress bending down to wipe the floor or some cleavage they saw on the underground and they store these hot images in their "wank bank" for use later when they are wanking, or even fucking their girlfriend to spice things up. There is nothing wrong with wanking, it's like breathing for them, you can't stop it and shouldn't even try to, don't even mention it, no one fucks them like their hand. Porn is the best invention on earth as far as men are concerned. 99.9% of men watch porn. It's fine as long he doesn't leave it laying around for all to see or let it replace your sex life. You could suggest wanking with him. You both watch a "video" together and lie side by side and wank (if you don't know what wank means, it's slang for masturbate- it's shorter and sounds better than "jerking off"- I fucking HATE that term). Or ask him if he will let you watch him wank, in order to please him better or vice versa. If he isn't into any of that, just let him wank away, you can't compete with a man's hand and at least he is fucking his hand and not other women.

how can I get my chick to let me fuck her ass? I love anal but she won't go for it.

Watching girls in porn get it up the ass leads men to believe we all secretly want it in the poop shoot. Honestly, it's a real pain in the ass and those eager chicks in porn are getting paid to act like they want it in the ass. Don't let those videos fool you. I don't know one girl who likes anal sex (please spare me the emails telling me you know tons of chicks who love anal). Some females even do it to keep their man, to be the unique creature that does take it up the ass, secretly suffering all the while. Before I give you tips on how to convince her, let me suggest taking a dildo and ramming it up your ass repeatedly (wouldn't want you missing out on any of the fun). If that feels good to you, then proceed with asking her again to allow you to fuck her in the ass. Make her cum first, either orally or through penetration. This will make her more tolerant, happy and loose. Roll her onto her belly and massage her butt for a while, then perhaps lick her too (hopefully she showered pre-sex). Start with your fingers and lots of lube. If she is ok with this, you are half the way there. Roll her over again onto her back and tell her you heard this is the least painful position to have anal sex. Let her guide your cock so she has control as to how fast, how deep etc. Never just force yourself in there, it's super painful (unless you have a dick the size of a little finger). That is the most gentle way to introduce her into anal sex but if she doesn't want it, fantasize about it, you shouldn't push the issue. If she does go for it, know that it is really bad to go from the back door back into the front door again without showering first; never bring anal germs into the sacred vagina.

Hi Dr. Dot, you have helped men figure out what to do when their woman doesn't want sex, but what about when the man doesn't want sex? I chose my boyfriend because he was as into sex as much as I am. We have been together for 2 years and have a 1 year old child. Halfway through my pregnancy he lost his sex drive and it has never returned. He doesn't even want me to blow him. What can I do? I need sex and it's hurting my feelings that he rejects me. He'd rather drink beer and watch TV now. Would bringing him to therapy save our sex life? Could you suggest a good therapist here in NYC?

It may be hard for you to imagine this, but it sounds to me like he is cheating on you. This is just a possibility. A lot of men cheat on their pregnant girlfriend/wife. And that doesn't mean they would dump the lover(s) when the baby arrives. Something about a pregnant woman makes a man want to cheat.

Look at Mick Jagger and Boris Becker, both cheated while their wife was pregnant and these are just a couple of famous examples. Men sometimes freak out when the reality of being together forever sets in (unless it was they who insisted on the baby), and pregnancy and being slightly less important then they used to be sets the stage for wanting an affair. Men HATE therapy and even mentioning it to him will drive him further away. In my opinion, it would only make things worse!

It's Mother Nature's catch 22 that having a baby to show a man you love him, actually is what drives them into the arms of another or dampens the sex life you once had for each other, but that's how it works sometimes. Sometimes men want to think of their pregnant wife as pure; Holy, basically unfuckable. It is hard for some guys to think of the mother of their baby as sexy, so you have to work at it a bit to prove them wrong, show them you are still the hot bitch they once lusted after. All you can really do is be yourself, and dress/act sexy around him when the baby is asleep, or if you have the money, get a baby sitter once a week (or trade with another Mom) and insist you two go out together on a date (don't call it a date). Paying a baby sitter is far better then paying for a therapist which would make him feel like you are accusing him of fucking things up. Don't even mention the word THERAPY! He is being a normal man, they get bored with the whole baby thing and/or domestic routine. Make sure you find time for him, just like before the baby came. Don't talk about it the change, just do it. Dress hot when you two go out and get my secret weapon perfume "Hypnotic Poison" by Christian Dior. NO man can resist this smell. Offer him a massage after you two go out- this is the prefect way to get him loose and in the mood without being too forceful. It would be best to let him make the first move and if it never comes; if he never wants sex with you again, you have to either accept it or move on, no one should stay in a relationship that has no touching, caring, sex or passion.

I moved to the USA from Wales a few months ago to be with my American girlfriend. We are really into each other, I love her a lot. We have one problem (doesn't every couple?), I am uncircumcised, as are all Europeans, and she keeps begging me to get snipped. She says "all American guys are cut; it will much better if you do it too". She is putting pressure on me and I am afraid if I don't do it, she may dump me for a clean cut man. Does this operation hurt? What are the pros and cons? I really like my willy just the way it is, but I am whipped.

85% of the men are uncut, just as nature intended. Long ago, somewhere in the USA someone thought boys are too lazy to push back the skin on their cock to clean it, so it's best to save them the trouble and just cut it off at birth. I am sure this hurts beyond belief and can't believe people are still ignorant enough to do that to their new born baby boy. Would your girlfriend make her tits bigger/smaller if you asked her to? I doubt it. Changing for anyone is always a bad idea, unless it means quitting a bad habit like smoking or drinking too much. Altering one's body for another is ludicrous. Tell her "as is" and if she doesn't like it, she can find one of the 15% of cut men for her date. On a personal note, I prefer men uncut, in their natural state, the full Monty.

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I love your column! I took your advice and have started to swallow my mans tide to make him happy, but I choke on it every time and end up spitting it out, which makes him even more pissed off than he was when I wouldn't swallow it in the first place. I am trying but can't seem to get it all down. How the hell do you do that?

When you feel him about to shoot his load, aim it towards the side of your mouth and save it like a Gerbil saves his nuts and take tiny sips; just swallow a tiny bit at a time. Trying to swallow it all at once would make most people gag. Try not to have it aim towards the back of your throat, that is asking for trouble. If he asks why is it taking you so long to swallow, tell him you are savoring it, like a fine wine.

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I fucked a guy on the first date and now I am wondering if it could ever last. We were both so excited and a bit drunk, we couldn't resist, but now I think I really like him, how can turn what was supposed to be a one night stand into love? I really want this guy!

What will be, will be. As old fashioned as it sounds, it still holds true: sleeping with a guy on the first date will discredit you a bit. Thing is, the longer you make him wait, the more he'll trust you. If he has to wait months to get you into bed, he will trust that when you go out on the town with your friends, nothing naughty will happen. If you shagged on the first date, he may be thinking (even if it is subconsciously) that you could do the same when he isn't around. In other words, if it was easy for him to fuck you, it could be easy for other guys too. Try not drinking around him for the next few dates and show him that the alcohol was partly to blame for your "easy" behavior. If the guy is into you, he will keep after you, if he isn't you will know about it. Let him lead the way, don't try to make things better by chasing him or showing extra amounts of attention/love, or worst of all, apologizing, just 'BE'.

Dr. Dot,
my man keeps complaining that our sex life is getting boring. It worries me
that he will start sniffin around. I know that he has been going to strip
clubs and that is not good. I am willing to try anything to get him hot again;
rock his world. I have tried renting porn for us and wearing sexy undies, what
else can I do?
Fran

Dear Fran,
It's like a full time job coming up with new ideas on how to entertain the boy
friend, but oh so fun .They go to strip clubs because these girls play. They
love to play. Next time you know he is coming over/home and you have the place
to yourselves, get a mirror, prop it up against a wall. When he comes in, tell
him to sit in a stool near the mirror with his pants off. Once you are naked,
kneel on down and blow him like he has never been blown before, while he
watches your pussy in the mirror (make sure the lighting is nice and he has a
great view). If you want to get creative, you can insert your fingers inside
yourself or your favorite dildo, all so he can watch while you suck on him.
This will make him melt. Men love mirrors and new ideas, get busy and
creative, it all leads to fun, which he should be getting at home, not in
clubs.
Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr. Dot,
I'll do the best I can to keep this short and to the point but it's
complicated.

The situation is I've been married almost 10 years. I love my wife dearly (and
she loves me), but her sex drive is gone, and I mean GONE. In the beginning we
had sex constantly, but now it's become "pity sex" on her end of things, and
only has sex when she can tell I can't take it any longer (sometimes months at
a
time of nothing).

She's 42 and I'm 36. When we met she got pregnant 8 months later. We now have 8
year old and a 6 year old daughter. Everything was great until she got pregnant
the second time. I almost had an affair during this pregnancy we were so
distant
with each other.

Since then it has been years of up and down. She has gotten so pissed of at my
Sexual needs she has actually told me to go fuck other women, just don't tell
her
about it. She months later admitted she didn't really mean it, but nothing
improves
We've tried marriage counseling and I've tried everything on the planet to get
her in the mood!
She has TONS of excuses to make me feel like I'm being way too demanding
wanting sex
all the time, but it's not like I'm mentally deciding to torment her with
this. I
just have raging hormones, more than I did when I was a teenager! She doesn't
kiss (never really did) never instigates anything, is boring in bed and only
goes beyond quickly sex if I demand it. Sex is now usually with her on her side
and coming in from the real (spooning) so it's less work for her. I usually
masturbate once a day to relieve my hormones demands and to take the pressure
off us.

Conversations lately have turned to divorce as she feels she just isn't the
person for me despite how much we love each other. I've even talked about
extreme measures like annulling the marriage to take that "pressure" off
things,
but she has balked at that and says if we do that then she'd rather just leave.

This all just seems so fucked up, and I'm running out of hope. I love my wife
and children and do NOT want a divorce, so how can I either get my hormones
under control or help her get her's back? I think we are both on an extreme end
of the spectrum and we both need some help getting back to a middle ground.
I've
heard Ecstasy is prescribed by marriage counselors to allow people to open up.
Perhaps something like this may allow us to get in touch with each other again?
The one time I took it recreationally, it seems like it could have that effect.

I'll try anything and listen to any advice at this point! You really seem to
have your shit together about relationships and sex, so I would really value
your advice.

Raging Mike

Dear Mike,
believe it or not, your letter is a standard letter, sadly. I get tons of
these from frustrated husbands, who are starved from sex and only get the
occasional '60 second spoon fuck' to shut them up. People seldom say things
they don't mean, at least a little. She told you the answer, "go fuck other
women", just be super discreet about it. Finding out would hurt her, that's why
she said "I didn't really mean that".
I am sure I will get a fair amount of hate mail from the ladies after this,
but you have no choice really but to shag around. (Think of it as just
exercising with other women. Taking "Ecstasy" is not the answer, drugs never
are. I am sure everyone is aware of the fact, that most men cheat, it's in
their nature, nothing anyone can do about it. Everyone has their own
definition of cheating. Being
true to the heart but cheating physically seems to be the most harmless
definition. You've tried everything; it's
either have a lover or divorce. If you divorce, chances are, sooner or later,
your new lover may grow tired of screwing you as well, so why not have the
best of both worlds? Try your hardest at not getting caught, as it, never give
out your phone number or address and be up front about it to your lover "This
is just fun and I mean that". Avoid needy, clingy single women (think 'Fatal
Attraction').Life is too short to miss out on sex. Most importantly, one must
be true to themselves and if you are a horn dog, then be one and be proud
about it, just be clever and try not hurt anyone.
Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

My boyfriend told me his ex could make him cum just by touching his G-spot. He says it in a way that makes me feel I am not good enough for him. Do men even have a G-spot? I have stuck my finger in his ass a few times but he didn't cum. I feel inadequate. Could you give me directions? Do I need an Ass map?

Rectal Robin

Dear Robin,

First of all, telling you that his ex was somehow better at pleasing him then you are is ignorant. Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you into playing with his ass. You should pleasure him how you want to and when you want to, not to prove you are as good as his ex. If she was so good, why doesn't he go back to her? Tell him: "My ex used to make me cum by licking my pussy for 45 minutes straight" see if that works to your advantage. Moving right along, some say the female G-Spot and the male prostate are made of the similar tissue. Hence, the prostate is often called 'The Male G-Spot'. This might stretch the analogy a bit, as the female G-Spot is in-and-up behind the her pubic bone and it swells as the woman gets excited. The male prostate is deeper, up near the neck of the bladder. In fact, it is the button that decides if the man is going to shoot his load or pee... men can't cum and go at the same time. I suggest that you suck his cock while fingering his ass with your pointer finger, as long as you have no long sharp finger nail on it and it is well lubricated. The combo of you sucking on him and fingering him should do the trick. Just as it would be next to impossible to make a girl cum without touching her clit (as in, just messing with her G-spot and nothing else- which by the way makes most girls have the feeling they have to pee) it would be next to impossible to make a guy cum with JUST a finger in his ass and NO penis stimulation. Next time he says "well, my ex could do it, why can't you?" send him back to his "ex/ass expert", no one needs that comparison crap.

Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr. Dot,

recently I moved out of my home and left my wife. I still love her and hope we will reunited, but her nagging at me (we work and live together) has driven me away. I am a Leo and need to be adored and she was putting me down alot when we were at work. I find myself going to hookers a few times a week and my wife found out and freaked out. I told her they mean nothing to me, there were no feelings involved.She doesn't get it. I want to go wild for a bit then come back to her. How can I make this all work? How can I have my break but keep her?

Nate

Dear Nate,

It is obvious to me why you choose hookers. Your woman made you feel small, which is the worst thing for a Leo to go through, so paying for sex makes you feel big. The big powerful spender who calls the shots. I totally believe men can fuck hookers without it disturbing their love for another woman, but telling her there was "no feelings involved" was the mistake. What about her feelings? Simply tell her "You made me feel weak and small; paying for sex made me feel strong and big again. I chose a hooker instead of a normal woman, as I don't want to start another love. I love you, I just fucked them. I am sorry if I hurt your feelings, treat me like a capable, strong man, and I won't need any confirmation from another woman". Also, working and living together will destroy most love relationships. I strongly advise to change that if you can if you want to save your marriage.

Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr. Dot,

I am dating a stripper and we have the best sex I have ever had in my life. She is exciting, spontaneous and dirty, this makes me wild. This passion is addictive, like a drug that I can't be without. Problem is, I get super jealous when I see her strip (we met at her work). I used to love watching her dance, now it pisses me off. The men are pigs and disrespect her. I have gotten in a few brawls so far and I can't control my jealous rages. How can I keep her and our hot love going strong without driving her away with my jealousy? She threatened me last night, she said if I keep it up, it's over. I would die if that happened. I love your column and know if anyone could help, it would be you.

desperate Dan

Dear Dan,

You know, it seems to me you men are never fucking happy. You moan about your women being boring, then they are too exciting. Steady, predictable behavior is tedious, yet wild passion makes you nervous. Make up your mind what suits you and stay with it, don't try to change anyone. You met her at a strip club, what the hell did you think would happen? She would suddenly give up her job for you? Would you give up your job for a girl?. At all cost, avoid going to her work (does she come to your job and watch you work? I think not.). Don't even mention her work. Your apathetic approach will make her interested in you even more, as I am sure 99.9% of the men she has dated all freak out, so be different. No need to explain the sudden change, just get busy and mind your own business. If you can't stand the heat, stay the hell out of the kitchen.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,
I have always had a suspicion that my boyfriend adores my best friend. She is
cute and dresses sexy so it's only natural I guess. I wanted to test them to
see if they would hook up so one night we went out and all got drunk and came
back to our place and got cozy. We all ended up in out huge bed and started to
sleep. I went to the bathroom and stayed extra long to see if they would start
something. I flipped on the light really suddenly and saw that they had moved
towards each other and I was certain they had been screwing around. The next day
I confronted my guy and he denied it, so did she. I don't know what to do,
I feel like they want each other and I am merely in the way. What should I do?
How can I find out the truth?
Tammy

Dear Tammy,
Sounds like you are about 13 years old to me so the "drunk" part struck me as
odd. If you are not 13 then you have a problem. First of all, letting hot
girlfriends around your guy is asking for trouble. Why invite temptation?
There is enough of that out there, why bring it into your relationship? Keep
single girlfriends and your boyfriend kinda separate if you can. Sure, it
works out sometimes, but most of the time it ends up in huge cat fights so why
bother? The fact that she dresses hot around your guy means you have to be sly
and just make plans with her when he isn't around and vice versa. If he loves
you, he will more than likely always adore any of your cute gal pals, as they
may be slightly similar to you in character and hence, his type. Don't do
anything now, just let things run naturally, if they were meant to be
together, they will eventually, but in the mean time, enjoy him alone and
don't do that again, it's stupid and masochistic.
Dr. Dot
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Dear Dr. Dot,
My boyfriend always asks me to moan during sex, he wants me to be loud! I am
shy and think he may laugh if I suddenly start to moan and talk during sex.
Why do men want this? What is the big attraction?
Silent Sue

Dear SS,
Sex is the time we let out our inner animal. Have you ever heard animals
fucking? It's loud, it sounds naughty and primitive. Society has us all caged
up in rules, deadlines and manners. The only time a man can really let loose
is either when he engages in sports or sex. If a man is fucking you the right
way, a decent amount of sound should come out of you. The more grunts and
groans a man hears, the more confident he is that he is doing you the right
way. Silent sex should only occur if you are staying at the in-laws house and
they are within ear shot (ditto with young kids being around). Sex should be
the ultimate expressive experience, where one lets their hair down and vowels
out in a loud manner. Don't be so dam cold, let him have it, tell him with
moans and/or naughty words that he is setting you free. If he isn't then tell
him until he does it right. I can't imagine being quiet during sex, how boring
would that be? There are, however, men who don't like to hear a peep out of
their women, if you really can't bring yourself to be verbally hot, then maybe
you should find a guy who adores your silent sexual behavior.Sex is a good
area to behave like Goldie Cocks,I mean, Locks. It has to be just right for
you.
Dr. Dot

My boyfriend and I are both 18 years old and have sex on a regular basis. Once I got pregnant and had an abortion and it was hell in every way possible. I can't take the pill because I smoke and my gyno says it's bad for me and he hates condoms. He told me that if I jump around and then pee right after sex, I can't get pregnant. I am too afraid to ask my Mom about this so can you tell me if it is true?

That has got to be the dumbest shit I have ever heard. Jumping around and pissing after unsafe sex will not prevent you from getting pregnant, nor will the ever so popular "pulling out" right before the guy shoots his wad. There can be up to 1 million sperm in pre-cum. Even having sex during your period could get you knocked up. Men have been known to make up stories to get in there with out wearing a condom, as it feels better, but now that you know how much an abortion hurts, don't accept any bullshit. Use condoms along with spermicidal foam to be on the safe side. Too bad if he hates condoms: 'No Glove, No Love'.

New York Press is thrilled in every sense to introduce Dr. Dot, our new sex advice columnist. We sat down with her last week and asked her to tell us a bit about herself. Once you've read this, swing on over to page 39 to get a feel for the doctor's orders.

My girlfriends and I wanted to meet rock stars and since you don't have much money at that age, we went to the concert hall at noon and decided we'd offer massages in exchange for entrance. Not a good plan, but somehow it worked—Def Leppard guitarist Phil Collen happened to be walking across the parking lot because someone stole the band's clothes the night before. Holy fuck—that guy's in the band. We went shopping with him all day.

We didn't have tickets, but I give the meanest back massage in the world. And that's how it started. Stars are used to getting things for free. So I massaged them for free for nine years.

I was born Dorothy but have always been called Dot. I'd been massaging my family—walking on their backs and biting—since I was five. I got my doctorate from Frank Zappa on his 1988 Hard Way tour, when I was massaging—for free I might add. Him and his whole band. The name Dr. Dot just stuck.

I didn't think that was going to be my career—that was just a hobby. I wanted to be a writer and photographer. But I was giving massages and I had all-access passes to catering and other shit. I was never thinking, oh these fuckers got to pay me. It was more—wow I get to touch my heroes. This is great.

Sting has to be one of my favorite rock stars to massage. He's so generous and mellow and cool and fun. I mean I massage him more than any other star. I've been to his house and massaged his wife too.

And of course Zappa. Favorite. Period. And he's my favorite musician. Massaging Frank, I felt like paying him. Frank was hilarious but serious. A workaholic, and very much into audience participation. My burps can be heard on the "best band you've ever heard in your life," a CD of the '88 tour. I burped at the sound check, and he asked me to do it on the sample and used it making fun of the evangelists.

Courtney Love is really edgy. I never like to say anything really bad about anyone, so we'll just say that she sticks in my mind as one of the most exciting massages. She's not acting. When you see her on TV that's really what she's like.

Joey Ramone was my first boyfriend ever. I was 15 and went out with him for three years. Then I turned into a deadhead and moved on. He was the sweetest guy on Earth and didn't talk much. But everything he said was sarcastic and hilarious. The best kisser on Earth. He didn't know how young I was.

I was 15 but told him I was 19 like all young girls do. And nobody thought I was 15 with jugs like that. He was 29 at the time, so…

In 1994, I massaged the Rolling Stones up in Toronto where they rehearse every tour. Chairle Watts said, "How much do I owe you?"

"Are you kidding me? No Charlie, you're doing me a favor by letting me massage you," I told him.

He told me with his British accent, "Dot, no one is going to take you seriously unless you ask them to pay you money for your mah-ssage." And that was my first paying customer. He paid me $200 Canadian dollars and then they hired me for the next two Stones tours.

Now, I charge everyone. A massage starts at $100 an hour if they come to me, $150 if I go to them. $200 after 10 p.m. But it's not as expensive as people think. The St. Regis Hotel charges $250 an hour.

If someone like Britney Spears is paying $3000 for a fucking haircut, then my massage is not that expensive. And it's worth it. I kick people's ass. I don't pet people. If you're looking for a relaxing massage go somewhere else. I kick some real fucking ass.

Over the summer I was playing Soft Ball and got to be pals with the team. One of the guys had a hot girlfriend and would bring her to the games. I got to be friends with both of them and she would cut and highlight my hair (yeah, I am a bit vain). Anyhow, now they have broken up, she still does my hair (for SUPER cheap) but calls me just for the hell of it and has asked me to call her if I wanted to go out. She is flirty with me and I do want to fuck her silly, but I think it's bad to date a kinda friends ex gal. I am lost because I can't afford other hair dressers and don't want to lose her, but if I don't call her, she may get mad. Help!

Shagging this girl would be a bad move. Summer wasn't that long ago, so the break up is fresh and she may just be doing this to make her ex jealous and they may end up back together and you would look like an asshole if you went for it. Even if she isn't after revenge and really does just want you in her, think of all the pressure. If you don't do it right or don't commit, you lost yourself an inexpensive, friendly hairdresser. Best thing is to just tell her "look, I think you are great, but I have met someone else and I can't", or "I think it would mess up our professional relationship, so lets just keep it how it is, sugar".

I met a girl online, fell in love and had her move in with me. She has turned into a lazy drunk and won't even work. Now I don't know what to do. She has crashed my car and even got arrested. I still have feelings for her but I need my space back. She kinda changed her life for me, but now I have no life. I would feel mean just tossing her out on the street. Any clever ideas?

If she doesn't work, how does she get money for booze to be the lazy drunk? Stop supporting her bad habits, no money for booze; no booze in the house first of all. She will then be sober. When she is sober, talk to her tell her she has to change or move out. That is one of the problems with meeting someone online, you never know their secret habits (drugs, alcohol, porn addict etc.) all of which can be easily hid over the Internet. If you really love her and can't part with her, at least get her to go to AA meetings but it sounds to me like you have become her parent and this is no fun. If she doesn't snap out of it, buy her a bus ticket and send her on her way or you could just move out and leave her with the bills.

My best friend is cheating on her boyfriend, whom is also a friend of mine. He is in jail and gets out in a year and it is killing me not to tell him the truth. She says she loves him, yet drags a different man home every weekend and has sex with him. I find this disgusting and wrong. Should I tell him? I don't want to see him get hurt but also don't want to lose her friendship. This is a difficult situation and it's bugging me big time.

First of all, let destiny run it's course, let things happen naturally, don't get involved like that in other peoples business, its bad karma. Speaking of karma, know that what will be, will be and if she is being cruel to him, she may get a taste of her own medicine someday, but that is not your problem. Secondly, perhaps she really does love him and just fucks the other guys for fun. Men seem to be able to separate love from sex easily, they can be madly in love with one woman and yet fuck another and not let it interrupt the love they have for their woman. This has been going on since the beginning of time, no one can change it. Maybe your girlfriend has it all set in her head and heart, she loves him, but has 'exercise' with other men until her big love gets out of jail. All the time and energy you are wasting on worrying about them surely must put a dent in your love life, no?

Yes, it is true. Even if you are not pregnant, if the breast are sucked on a few times a day for a few weeks, the breast will start producing milk. The suction makes the body think there must be a baby around and it produces milk. You would have to find someone to suck on your tits at least 3 times a day and for 20 minutes each time in order for that to work. In the very far past, some women had this done to wet nurse. Upper class ladies who had a baby but didn't want to breast feed would hire a wet nurse (a woman to nurse their baby). Sometimes the wet nurse had a baby of her own, but not always. It is really hard to get pregnant while breast feeding, but it is not a reliable form of birth control, so I wouldn't try this if that is what you had in mind. It certainly won't do you any harm, but it is a tedious task to get the milk to arrive, but some might see it as a good challenge and worth all hard work. Let me know how it comes out (pun intended).

How can I put this politely, my boyfriend has funky spunk. I enjoy giving him head, but when cums, I freak out from the taste. His sperm is chunky style and has a fishy odor, I feel like he is dishing out Chunky Style Clam Chowder! He is offended by this and we argue about it constantly. He would literally have to put his love juice in a blender and add flavoring to have me swallow it without yakking. Does one leave a loved one for such a thing? I love him a lot, but this is our road block.

A man's juice gets chunky if he isn't cleaning out his pipes often enough. Have him wank on the days you don't have sex and I bet he isn't drinking enough liquids. Dehydration, even in the slightest form can chunk things up. If you want to dilute his clam chowder once and for all, tell him those tips; empty the supply often and keep it thin by drinking lots of water. The fish part, well, if he isn't eating fish on a regular basis (you are what you eat, literally) then he may have a slight infection, which can cause that fishy odor. Good luck getting him to go to a Doctor about it, men usually hate that! If he is a big fish eater, ask him to cut down a bit, see if the taste and smell changes. If all else fails, tell him he is lucky to get head on a regular basis or give him a mouth-full of his Clam Chowder next time to taste, so he isn't missing out on any of the, ahem, fun.

You used to answer questions about health and beauty and other topics, so I was hoping you could help me out with this one. I have a hard time answering the question "do I look fat in this?”. Girlfriends and sometimes girls I don’t know ask me this and I just don't know the correct answer. I don't want to be honest and get my eyes scratched out if they really do look fat (which is the case most of the time) but yet I hate lying. I am tired of this pressure and understand why some men turn gay!

If you were my friend, I would want to know the truth. Try this, if the girl does look fat in a particular garment, say "That is not very flattering, try something different" (this statement can only be used at home, when there are other options to try on). If it is a close friend, keep giving that statement until she finds something that makes the best out of what she's got. If there is nothing that helps her chubby ass, then say, "well, that one is the best, but you should really start exercising so things fit you better". If it is a female you don't know, say for example out a bar or club, just say, "You look fine to me" or "you are workin' it!" because there will be nothing gained except a cat fight if you tell her "actually, you look like a sausage". Tiny white lies are sadly part of life but may save your ass in such a situation.

My husband told me that he is bored with our sex life. I am devastated and worried that he will have an affair if I don't find a way to spice things up. Lately when I initiate sex, he says he is tired or just not in the mood. We need a sex make over fast! Help!

I don't see why it's just up to you to save the love life; you are not his home entertainment system. I can give you a few hot tips, but wait until he approaches you for sex before you put them into use, as I think coming onto him could bore him at this point.

Take a big mirror and prop it up against a wall and strip for him so he can see you from the front and back simultaneously. Have him sit in a chair while you kneel and give him oral, making sure he can see your pink parts while he is melting in your mouth. Another hot surprise is to give him a bag full of the following: A couple bananas, hot fudge, nuts, whipped cream, cherries and perhaps some ice cream as well. When he asks "What the hell is this for?" say "Make me into your banana split". Let him decorate your naked, shaved body and then eat it off you. Be careful not to let the whipped cream get into your snatch, as it causes a nasty yeast infection. This is a messy treat, but one that will stay in his mind forever. Think up cute things like these but only whip them out once in a while, don't raise the bar too high as he may expect you to shoot fireworks out of your pussy eventually.

I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years now, and she keeps mentioning that she wants us to get married. I think its fine just the way it is, but she is persistent, almost giving me an ultimatum, as in, 'we marry or I go'. I love her madly and don't want to lose her, but I am afraid of marriage (aren't most guys?). If you can solve this one, I will send you a fat check (just kidding).

You are preaching to the choir here, I am against the idea of marriage too. The masses will loathe my opinion, but it's time to face reality, 50% of all marriages end up in a bitter, expensive divorce. Bring her out to dinner or a boat ride, some place relaxing and pleasant and tell her you love her and want to stay with her, but are afraid that marriage would actually drive you two apart. Remind her about 50% divorce rate and plead with her not to put your relationship into such a risky situation. You can still have a big party to declare your love for one another, but why the paper work? Ask her how many happily married couples does she actually know, that alone should shut her up. If she keeps pushing you, stick to your decision and tell her marriage is just not for you. If she really loves you, she will understand and stay with you, if not, you will find out fast, as she may leave you and find someone else who loves the idea of marriage . Unless your partner is from another country, and you have to marry because of immigration laws, why marry and ruin the passion? Nowadays you can have a loving healthy relationship, even bringing up children together without all that pressure and paperwork. It is pushed upon us by the media, look how many people make a living off of weddings: dress designers, cake bakers, wedding planners etc, there would be a lot more unemployed people if we stopped tying the knot (and divorcing).

I love my husband, but don't feel up to doing the dirty deed with him as much as he wants to. The 'Headache' excuse is running thin now; do you have any polite excuses that work? Again, I love him, but I could live without the sex part of our relationship. Please help ASAP!

The ol' Headache excuse doesn't make sense anyways, as sex is a good cure for that (it's true!). If you are not up to being upfront and honest, you could always say you have a yeast infection or your period, but that wouldn't prevent you from giving him oral sex, anal sex or a happy ending massage. You may want to at least make him feel good, as men tend to look elsewhere for physical fun if the woman they love continuously rejects them. If you really love your husband, show him, life is short.

My girlfriend and I have had a couple threesomes, always me, her and another female. My girlfriend liked it so much; she keeps requesting to do it again and again. I am afraid I opened a lesbian door or something; do you think she will turn gay and leave me? How can I get her all to myself again?

Most of the times, not all though, threesomes lead to big drama. It sounds like a hot idea, but after the climaxes are over and reality sets in, everyone is faced with 'uh, where do we go from here' kind of feeling. I am a firm believer you can't change a person and what will be, will be, maybe you should think likewise as the more you stress about it, the faster you will drive her away. Just let it run it's course and try not to show it makes you feel insecure, just make sure you give her a spontaneous super romp when she least expects it, reminding her you are exciting and can still please her, one on one.

I have been out of the dating game for years, and I am taking a girl out for the first time in a couple weeks. I want to impress her, make her fall for me big time. I would love some ideas from you as I love your advice so far. Hook me up Doctor!

First let me tell you a few things to avoid on a first date. Movies: Sitting in the dark for a couple hours with someone you need to get to know is a dumb idea. Bars: Getting too drunk in a loud bar could end up embarrassing for both of you and make a bad impression. Try a day time date, like going to the zoo, or a museum. ‘Wine Tasting’ is good, a picnic with a board game or going to a sporting event are all great options. Make sure you are a good listener and keep up the eye contact, looking around too much shows you are not interested. No matter how tempting, try not to screw on the first date, anticipation is the worlds greatest aphrodisiac and waiting shows you have respect, self control and proves you are not a player/slut.

Ps. the worst food you can eat on a first date is a falafel (super messy and massive garlic fumes will plague you)

My boyfriend is a pothead, smokes several times a day. It seems he is always stoned. At first I thought he would change after we got serious together, as he knows I don't like it. When I ask him to quit, he just smokes behind my back and I can smell it and see it in his eyes that he is high (which insults my intelligence). Is grass addictive? How can I coax him into going straight?

If you are a regular reader of my column, you must know by now that I am going to tell you "you can't change a person". If the only 'bad' thing in your eyes that he does is smoke pot, stop nagging about it and he will quit when he is ready. Smoking pot is habit forming, but he can stop if and when he feels like quitting. You can tell him in a non-threatening way that it contributes to impotency and even weakens one's sex drive, not to mention causes lung cancer. Set a time limit for yourself, how long you are willing to wait for him to stop getting high, if he exceeds it, then move on, or you will turn into a raging bitch and start to loathe yourself even more than his pot smoking. If he is apathetic (a side affect of smoking grass) towards you, that's a different story, that behavior should not be tolerated. A quick "me or the grass" chat should clear that up, if not, walk and don't look back.

Ask Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot, My girlfriend (of eight years) is getting fat. In the beginning I thought it was just the usual winter pounds there for insulation, but that was last winter and she never shed them. When she asks me if she is getting fat, I always say no. The one time I said she should get in shape, she freaked out and wouldn't screw me for three weeks. This is getting scary! I love her, but her flabby ass is turning me off. Help! -Skinny John

Mentioning a woman's weight is like dancing through a minefield with a blindfold on. One wrong move and you're fucked. The more you mention it, the more she will eat to subconsciously show you she is in control, not you. I am guessing that she is unhappy with a part of her life, perhaps she isn't fulfilled in her career or she has family issues. So don't mention her weight, instead, get active with her. Kind of like taking your pet out for a walk. Bring her ice-skating, for long (fast) walks (try to walk every where), go swimming, hiking and most importantly, shag more often! Long rounds of hot sweaty sex will whip her into shape. You should do the food shopping for a while and stock up on loads of fruits and veggies, you know, sneak the diet/exercise program into your life. This is a good way to trim down an angry eater.

Dear Dr. Dot,
I recently got a new job and have one of the sexiest bosses around. She is really attractive and has this amazing sexual energy. My problem is that I am married, but would just love that one experience with my boss. I am not totally sure if she has the same attraction but she does seem to like me and we do have some really good sexual conversations! Is it worth me trying my luck or should I just leave well alone. -Horny Employee

I don't want to throw your hot fantasy into a cold shower, but this sounds like the most dangerous kind of affair you could have. What if you don't make her cum? "YOU'RE FIRED!" could be the result. What if you two fall in love? Then you are both in big trouble. If you try and she rejects you, this could be painful to your pride and job. I just don't see the risk being worth a few naughty hours, but then again, I don't have a dick. These kinds of fantasies are always the hottest, because it involves an unavailable person. Just think about her when you wank and leave it at that. One should never shit where they eat (or work).

Dr. Dot,
I never orgasm when my guy goes down on me. I worry the whole time about his neck getting sore and not only that, he is all over the place, flicking the tip of his tongue around, it's actually annoying. When I say "let's just skip it" he gets offended. Sometimes I fake it to get it over with. Help. -Jane

Most guys learn how to give oral from watching porn, where it's done just for the visual aspects, but that tongue flicking rarely does it for us gals. Gently explain to him that if he wants to make you cum, he should imagine your clit is a block of salt and he is a thirsty cow. Tell him to make his tongue wide and flat and to put pressure on it, never letting up. Up and down motions work wonders for most. (You can demonstrate this on your four fingers or a strawberry to show him what you like) Tell him it's hard work, but worth it. Every time he stops and changes patterns or positions, he has to start over from square one again. They can't read your mind, tell him exactly what you want and never fake anything, he doesn't deserve the praise and your sex life can't progress unless you tell the truth. If he does a good job and you still can't cum, just ask him to 'come up here and do me now!'. That should change the subject. Afterwards, explain that "not all females can cum like that, but it still feels great." Count your blessings, having a guy who likes to give oral is a good thing, hang onto him, just teach him how to do it. (somebody has to teach him, it might as well be you!).

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Dear Dr. Dot,
I live in NYC and as you know, it's packed with gorgeous people. Now that Spring is here, the competition is shrewd. I'm just an average girl and feel out of place here thanks to all of the tall, thin nicely dressed babes. Any tips or ideas to increase my chances of landing a guy would be greatly appreciated.

Plain Jane

Dear Jane,

It's best not even to think in such terms, as there will always be someone younger, thinner, hotter than you. Don't even go there. Concentrate on yourself and be the best you can be. Make sure you are well groomed and smelling fresh at all times. I usually don't give out my secret scent, but if you want to knock the guys off their feet, get "Hypnotic Poison" from Christian Dior, that perfume intoxicates men. Also, go out on Monday nights, there is less competition and a rainy Monday night is even better! Good luck.

Dr. Dot

Dear Dr. Dot,

I feel a lot of pressure when I go out with my friends. It seems getting drunk every weekend is the manly ritual, but I am trying to drink less and my friends give me shit about it constantly. Should I just find new friends or stop going out? How does the average guy stand his ground when trying to stay healthy but keep his friends?

Stan

Dear Stan,

This happens to me a lot to when I go out to karaoke. I even feel pressure from the bar-tenders when I order club soda, they look at me like I am a cheap skate but in reality I am just not a big drinker. Try this, order a half club soda with half cranberry juice (or any juice) when your friends are not paying attention. Get the bar-tender alone for a minute and ask them to put your fancy club soda in a cocktail glass. You can use the "I can't drink, I'm on anti-biotics" line now and then. If your friends find out and give you a hard time, then yes, maybe it is time to seek out new ones, perhaps in a gym where healthy minded people hang out, after all, if your pals can't accept the truth and force you to lie, there's something wrong.

Dr. Dot
Dear Dr. Dot,

My girl friend of 8 months keeps begging me to have my fore-skin cut off of my penis. Her last boy friend was an American and now that's all she likes. I was born in England and no one there circumcises there baby boy. I am afraid of the pain but my lady really wants the cut version of my manhood. Blimey, what should I do?

Un-cut Rupert

Dear Un-cut Rupert,

Your uncut penis is how nature intended it to be. Almost 85% of men on this earth are uncut. If she has a problem with the real deal, tell her to find one of the 15% of the guys who were unfortunate enough to be put under the knife with out their consent, buy her a freakin' ticket to America and tell her to have a good time! Would she make her breasts smaller or larger for you? I think not. No love is worth changing your body for! Tell her "as-is baby!". On a personal note, I love the un-cut version of the man and find it incredibly ignorant to cut a baby boy.

Dr. Dot

Dear Doctor D,

Every time I date a man, I fall madly in love. I end up smothering them and giving too much, to the point I sadly drive them away. I can't control myself, I love them too hard. Is there a secret recipe to loving less? I am almost 30 and still haven't learned it if there is.

Lori

Dear Lori,

The Beatles said it years ago in their songs "Hide your love away" and "My love don't give me presents". Seems to me, men like the apathetic approach from a woman, not the clingy, needy, over attentive mom type girlfriend. Make sure you live your own life to the fullest and let them set the love pace. Avoiding sleeping next to him may help you stay in control of your emotions. I find that avoiding sleeping next to a man also keeps his fire burning strong for you. If you sleep next to them, you may fall into a pattern which you could confuse as love and actually get addicted to sleeping next to him. Distance is the key to passion, not smothering each other.

Dr. Dot

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Dear Dr. Dot,

My boy friend 'snaps his carrot' like 5 times a day and still wants sex with me even after all that! He is already 23, so shouldn't it slow down about now? Is this normal? Aren't I enough for him? Am I dating a wanker?

Pam M.

Dear Pam,

Yes, it's normal. Be happy he is busy with himself and you, it could be worse; he could be with a few different girls a day (well, if he is hot enough and/or rich enough). I know men who are in their 40's and still talk about how often they have a pull. I often wonder where they find time to work or anything else for that matter. It seems like a full time job to me lol. There is nothing you can do about it, just enjoy and be happy you don't have a stiff muscle that needs constant attention.

Dr. Dot

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Hey Dr. Dot,

My girlfriend won't tell me how many lovers she has had in the past. I told her my number, but she won't even give me a ballpark figure. Is this a bad sign? She is really good looking and amazing in bed, so I can't help but wonder. How can I get her to tell me? It's making me curious to the point where I'm debating hiring a Detective.

Nate

Hey Nate,

Even if you hired her Gynecologist as your Detective you will never know how many lovers she has had and if you did know, you may end up disappointed, angry, jealous and/or bored. This topic should be taboo, it's private and irrelevant! Asking such questions makes you appear insecure (and nosey!) which gives her power over you in the game of love. Don't tamper with the fine balance in a relationship if you don't have to. The past is over, just live in the now and enjoy her talent.

Dr. Dot
Ask Dr. Dot ( round 1)

"You give skin care advice don't you Doctor?" yes, I told him. He whipped his pants down to show me many red bumps all over the skin between his belly button and penis. "My wife likes a clean shaven genital area, so I have been getting Brazilian waxes for her, to encourage her to spend more time down there, but when the hair grows back in, I break out and it is itchy and looks nasty".

Yes, I agreed, it looks unflattering. Well, I gave the guy a sample of this lotion you can get at most beauty supply outlets, called "Tend Skin". Apply at night and again after shaving, this will help.

Let me just comment on this whole metro-sexual trend, that queer eye for the straight guy has started. Women usually like the natural look, and if you have too much hair down there, trim it with scissors, but going through all that pain and trouble to make it look nice for her/him, well, I just don't see the point. First of all, men's genital are not the prettiest things on earth, so the hair kind of camouflages it which is a good thing. Second, most women orgasm better when they are on top by rubbing their clitoris on the aforementioned area, between the navel and penis. If it is hairy, put some KY lube on there so she can slide better, but by shaving, well, you are bound to have SOME stubble there and this will hurt her clitoris like a cheese grater would. I personally like a guy to look like a GUY, hairy and all, not plucked, waxed and dyed (unless you are a porn star, why bother?)

But if you insist on dragging your hairy ass down to Heidi the German bikini wax pro, then pick up some astringent for your bald jewels while you are at it.

"I partied all night long and need to look gorgeous tomorrow, help!". That is an easy one. After your drinking binge, go home and eat something, say a piece of pizza ( hey, if you drink all that a few carbs won't matter anymore) or a baked potato to absorb some of the poison heading towards your poor liver. Swallow a couple aspirins and sleep as much as you can (with window open for fresh air).

Morning: For an immediate face lift and zit killer, take a couple aspirins and one alka seltzer tablet and crush them with the bottom of a glass into powder form. Add a half teaspoon of water and mix to form a paste. Quickly take paste rub it over face in circular motion, avoiding eyes. You should feel a tingly sensation that slightly burns. Leave on for 5 minutes or more, preferably lying on your back with legs straight up against the wall to kill two birds with one stone. You could even lie there for 10 or 20 minutes letting the blood leave your legs and head towards your face, making you feel and look rested. Wash off and take an ice cube, get it wet and smooth all over face, including under eyes. Then moisturize face with sun block and under eyes with a dab of Vaseline. Take some vitamin C tablets, a cup of strong coffee. If you are a woman, use minimal eye make up, but darker lip shade than normal (distract em from your tired eyes) and tie hair back for instant face lift. Visine to top off the routine and you should look as good as new for the day, then go home and sleep your ass off and don't do that again (until next week).

3) Hey Dot,
I have trouble getting rid of my eyebrows with tweezers.
Can you give some secret advice how to catch them?
Thanks
Andrea

Listen to calming music on the way home, perhaps some classical music or Billie Holiday, John Lee Hooker or even Reggae, it is impossible to be angry or stressed while listening to Bob Marley.