10 True Love’s Promises for Valentines and Every Other Day of the Year

By Terri L. Porter

I wrote this article as a special Valentine for my best friend and lover, Paul. The man whose steadfast and selfless friendship has rocked the very foundations of my jaded and worldly view of love. I am an almost forty year-old single mother of five. Just a few short months ago, my greatest fear in life was being fifty alone with cats.

A fear that I shared over and over again with him in little blue and white Instant Message windows or running up to astronomical proportions his phone bill. Sometimes I wondered why he even wanted to continue our friendship. It wasn’t like he was one of my disposable lovers that reaped any benefits from our long distance friendship. But still he called and wrote. Never wavering. And for that I will forever be grateful. For that friendship blossomed and grew into true love. A love that I and we celebrate not this February 14^th, but every day.

I have a special reason to celebrate that love and this Valentine’s Day. This is the first time in five years that I haven’t dreaded February 14^th. Valentine’s Day: a day that celebrates the nature of love. It should be a joyous occasion for us all, but for most it is a horrific reminder of what we don’t have. I should know: fourteen years in a loveless marriage and over two years in a mentally abusive relationship. But sometimes life has a way of teaching us our most valuable lessons not by the things we do right but by the things we do wrong.

The lessons I have learned on all those Valentine’s Day makes this February 14^th a more special day for me. Those lessons are the true value of love and the ways to nurture it all year long. These lessons came at a high price and if I ever forget them for a single moment I hope one of my friends will have the guts to pull this article out and gently (or not so gently) remind me that I am the luckiest woman alive.

So one divorce, one abusive relationship, one broken heart and let’s don’t even discuss how many casual encounters later, let me share with you what I have learned about the nature of love and how to nurture it, not just on February 14^th but every day of the year.

1)      Never take your love for granted. For me, I have waited my whole life to find this love. I have walked through hell more than once. Woken up next to the wrong man more times than I can count. Carried children of men that I not only didn’t love but didn’t even like. But such is life. Most of us face those types of disappointments. So for those of us lucky enough to receive this ultimate and most priceless gift of all, true love, we have a responsibility not only to our lovers and our selves, but to the world itself, to all those others who are not so blessed, to never forget the value of that gift. There are many ways to do this, to remember even in those bad moments that will always come, those moments when you could just scream or throw something, those moments when we are all tempted to say things we shouldn’t, things we don’t really mean. One of my favorite songs is Shelly Wright’s “Back of the Bottom Drawer.” It is the story of a woman blessed with true love, who reminded herself of its value with all the mementos of her “mistakes,” those men and relationships that were not for her. I could never do that. My bottom drawer would be an X-rated menagerie of sex toys and bad boys. For me, I keep a notebook that contains the sweetest and most poignant of the Instant Messages or text messages. Words that no matter what I could never stay mad for long if I read them once more. My girlfriend has a poem her husband wrote her in her drawer. Not just any poem, but one written in crayon on a napkin. Whatever you find works for you, do it. And do it as often as you must to remind yourself of all those lonely moments when you thought you would never love again. Those moments when you were without hope. My true love’s promise…to never forget those moments when I look at your face and thank fate, destiny, every god there is that I have found you.

2)      Always be honest: first with myself and then with you. It is easy to fall into the rut of brushing those little things aside, of just pretending that they don’t bother us. But we all now how those big snow balls were made, the ones that hurt so much. They are built by little snow balls that continue to roll deeper and deeper in the same snow. My therapist told me a shocking thing the other day. Most couples don’t seek counseling until six or seven years into the relationship. But the hurts they keep bringing up are often ones from that first year. It is like house cleaning. If you wait until the weekend to touch anything then the dishes will be piled high in the sink, you will be out of laundry, and quite possibly the whole house will stink. But if you pick things up as you go, those weekend cleanings aren’t such a big deal. So my true love’s promise…to pick up our messes as we go.

3)      Always make the time for us. As a single mother, I above all others know just how hard it is to make time for anything or anyone. But time is the most valuable resource we have. This moment…think about it…you will never again have this one moment. And each day is made up of thousands of those moments. How we spend them tells the world and ourselves what we truly value in life. And if I truly love you then those moments I spend with you are the most valuable. Those moments don’t have to be the big ones. Some of my favorite moments are the simple ones: walking around Wal-Mart hand in hand, watching CSI in your arms with my head leaning back against your shoulder, or those quiet moments in our bed before the kids got up each morning. So my true love’s promise…is to steal, make, beg or borrow as many of those moments as I can find, because a lifetime of love is made of those simple little moments.

4)      Always actively listen to what you say. Hearing is easy. Sometimes so easy that we forget how hard it is to truly listen. Listen not just with our ears or even our minds, but our hearts as well. I know I have been guilty of this one. Because often we hear not what is being said, but what we think or feel or even fear. If we see through rose colored glasses then we hear through our own music. How often do we hear the wrong message, simply because it is our own voice we hear? Active listening is hard. Yet its steps simple. Open your ears, mind and heart to the words. Listen to the words. Watch the unspoken messages, the eyes, the face and body language. Ask for clarification. Repeat back what was said. And hardest of all…don’t rush to offer advice. I am not without fault on this one. Paul called me just last night. Problems with his roommate. It wasn’t that he wanted me to have a magic potion to fix it. It was in his own words…“I just needed to hear you and know you was real.” And what a beautiful complement. So my true love’s promise…to never forget listening is done with open ears, mind and heart…and a closed mouth.

5)      Always take care of myself so I can be there for you. It would be simple to forget simple things like diet, exercise and sleep. But the cost can be astronomical. Even one day less than I could have with you on this plain is unacceptable. My health affects our relationship in so many hidden ways. If I don’t take care of myself, I won’t have the energy to truly enjoy our times together. But it goes beyond that. Stress. Stress is one of the biggest causes of heart disease, cancer and diabetes in America. Stress can rob us of days, weeks, months, even years. Time I want with you. And beyond that taking care of myself so that not only will you continue to find me attractive, but I will be comfortable with my own body. We all know that time and pregnancies will take their toll on our once supple and perfect forms, but doing the best we can to remain physically fit and attractive isn’t just for the one we love but for ourselves as well. Nothing is better than to look in the mirror or at a picture and smile at what we see. So my true love’s promise…to take of my body, mind and spirit so that we can enjoy each and every moment we are blessed with for as long as we have.

6)      Never turn you away. Yes…that means SEX. It’s been a hard day at the office. The baby cried all the way home in his car seat. Dinner burned. The computer crashed. And now I have a splitting head ache. And you want…WHAT? It has happened to all of us. But it is in that little moment that the bigger courses are set. It is so easy and natural to just turn my back and say, “Honey, not tonight.” But then life can become a string of “not tonight’s.” And affairs are begun. Marriages destroyed. Besides in that moment, sex is important and probably just what I need too. Scientific studies show that orgasms actually relieve the pain of headaches…not to mention their value as stress relievers. Sex is also the most basic form of communication we have as humans. What more perfect way than the touch of someone we love and care for to communicate the hurts and needs that are the very source of our stress and pain. So my true love’s promise…to never turn my back and shrug, “not tonight,” but instead to turn into the open arms of the man I love and that loves me, to use this most powerful tool of all to express ourselves and create a haven (or is it heaven) even in the worst of times.

7)      Always talk it through. How many times have I said, “I don’t want to talk about it?” We all have done it. But the truth is: the thing we don’t want to talk about is the thing we probably need to talk about most. Maybe we need to take a breather and walk along the beach first. Maybe we need to write out our feelings to keep us on track. Maybe we need to do slowly over time. But we need to do it. Old hurts grow so taking the time and effort to resolve issues early helps to keep relationships alive. It is sort of like those monthly breast self-exams we all do. Most of the time if a woman catches a lump herself early, then not only can the doctor save her life but often her breast as well. So it is with talking out and resolving our hurts. It might not be easy, any more than biopsies, lumpectomies and chemotherapy, but isn’t it worth it to save our relationships. So my true love’s promise…to talk it out even the really bad rotten stuff I’d rather just forget.

8)      Always say “I love you” every morning and night…and a dozen times in between. Sometimes we think that the people we love just magically know we love them. And they probably do. But have you ever attended a funeral and heard someone say, “I never got to tell him ‘I loved him’ one last time.” How terrible to have that regret. Think about it, how do you feel if our lover just calls unexpectedly to say, “I love you.” It can change even the worst day. So why not do that for him. Why not be the one to change his day. Every day. Do you think he will take your love for granted? Actually I bet it will have just the opposite effect. Every heard the saying, “You can’t give a smile away.” Same is true for love. The more you express that love to him the more secure he will become in expressing his love for you. And isn’t that the best kind of thing to snow ball. So my true love’s promise…to love you every day with every breath for the rest of my life…and never make you wonder about that love, but to express it freely and often.

9)      Always say “I’m sorry” and just as importantly to always accept your apologies. Whoever created the saying “Love means never having to say you’re sorry,” only had half the story. Love means wanting to say you’re sorry. Many people think that saying “I’m sorry” is admitting wrong. It isn’t. It is as simple as saying “I’m sorry we had this misunderstanding.” “I’m sorry I didn’t communicate my needs well.” “I’m sorry you had a bad day.” But that too is only part of the story. How many times do we end an argument but never release the hurt. Your lover says he’s sorry. Perhaps he even apologizes, buys you flowers, or takes you out. Yet the very next argument you get into you throw back up the old hurts. Love means releasing those old pains as well. I know it isn’t that simple. So go back to number 1 and pull that journal out of the drawer. Reread those words until the good replaces that pain. Let it go. So my true love’s promise…to let each old hurt go when we’re through talking it out…and to end each talk with an “I’m sorry”…and the hottest sex we’ve ever had.

10)  Never forget these Valentine’s Promises I make to you, my true love. If that means printing this article and posting it on the fridge, or write it in my journal, or even on my forehead, I will. Sometimes…no, always…life leads us full circle. So too does this list. Life happens. Or as the saying goes, “Shit happens.” Every day. All day. And if we don’t take the time, the effort, and the energy to nourish and grow this gift we have been given, then it won’t. It will die. Think of your children. Out pops this life. It cries. It squirms. It poops and pees. But what would happen if you looked at your new born and said, “You are the most perfect gift I have ever gotten.” Then you kissed it and placed it in a corner. You never nourished it or cared for it. The baby would die. Even children for whom the basic needs are met, but whose emotional and touching needs are not, there are lasting psychological effects. So my true love’s promise…to take, make, steal the time necessary to nourish and grow this most precious gift I have been given…your love.

And if this Valentine’s Day is one of those moments for you when you feel you will always be alone. If this Valentine’s Day you feel as I did for all the other Valentine’s Days that came before, that you are doomed to always be alone. Then save this article for next year or the year after that or ten Valentines from now. Because trust me if it can happen for a single mother of five, it can happen for you too.