AHM Article

SIGNS OF A CHEATING MATE

Shortage of time- If someone is not with you, where are they? Having to steal moments away from communal time. "Working late", project that must be worked on nights (could be odd hours) or weekends or holidays, company has functions more often or other meetings that must be attended, going out with boys or friends.

Time unaccounted for - A short (you would think) trip to the store for pops takes three hours. Or the person comes home late all the time, goes for a walk around the block (maybe walking the dog) for too long a time.

Emails and pictures from another person from the internet - Don't ignore this one. A married or committed relationship has no room for someone else and the person doing this is showing a huge lack of respect for his/her mate.

Money spent and unaccounted for - "If you want to play, you have to pay". Check credit card receipts, cash advances, and anything that looks at all suspicious about where the money was spent. Big red flag if mate doesn't want you to see the bills, hides the bills when they come in and only lets you know the amount (if you are the one paying), shreds the bills, locks them up in a room/file cabinet/container that you have no access to or has the bills sent to work or a post office box. Also might be suggestion to have separate checking accounts.

Cell Phone- IM or text messages at odd times/coded - With mate not wanting you to see the cell phone. Perhaps codes on the display, like 911, or 11111, etc. Locks the cell phone, erases the call log. Turns off the cell phone regularly but tells you it's in a dead zone or out of range. (Get the cell phone bill, and make sure you get DETAILED bill, not the summary, now mates are getting hip to this and are setting up blocks to keep mates out of their accounts.)

Sex *might* change - After a very healthy physical relationship, lately there has been a large drop-off. Perhaps the mate sleeps in another room sometimes. Conversely, because the mate ALSO might be wanting to avoid suspicion, there might be an INCREASE in sex-but what also might occur is some new or unusual sexual positions, calling out someone else's name during sex.

Possessive of wallet, PDA, briefcase/backpack - Because there could be receipts, phone numbers, photos, etc. Excuse "I just don't want the kids/you in my bag”

Phone manners change - Mate rushes to answer the phone, there are more hang-ups,he is constantly checking caller id and deleting numbers, phone calls being made late at night, mate buys a cell phone and is possessive with looking at it, phone card, calls being made from pay phones. Check the phone bills, look for long distance calls, calls made to a certain number right after spouse leaves the house, during lunch or on the way home or other odd times, also mates will have their friends/family to do a 3-way call for them, so all you see is the friends/family number, so it will appear that they are not doing anything out of the ordinary.

Come home with alcohol on breath - This speaks for itself, particularly if the person is LATE coming home from work.

Car manners - Car is kept clean of wife and child paraphernalia, if you have two cars, insistence on always having it cleaned FIRST before you can ride in it, will also keep glove box locked, or insists that mate not drive their car.

Change in behavior towards you - Betrayer, usually because of guilt, can start being mean, short, curt, or otherwise abusive towards you. He has a stake in doing this and making YOU, the one at fault in order to justify the affair. He might also want to find YOU cheating or accuse you of doing so, in order to also ease the guilty conscience. Another thing that can happen is "tending" behavior, where the betrayer has to know where you are all the time so that he can work in the adultery around your schedule. "It is certainly easy for one marital partner to make the other wish to be somewhere else, or to be with someone else. But the unhappy partner could choose divorce, murder, an argument, therapy or whatever instead. The dissatisfaction in a marriage/relationship may or may not be a joint effort, but the decisions about how to deal with an intolerable situation are clearly individual. When adulterous couples come in to therapy, the one doing the betraying may be complaining that the one being betrayed has, in some way, cause the affair, but this may be the first time the problems have been emphasized. Even when the problems have been argued about for years and blamed for the affair, there may be considerable reluctance to solve them during the affair". The cheating mate may also accuse the other mate of not trusting them, the blame game works well sometimes, because the mate that is being betrayed will feel guilty for asking questions.

Trips/Recreation - Mate encourages spouse to go alone to visit family and friends, spends more time with "old friends", starts new hobby, talks about movies or other fun things that were NOT seen with spouse, orders new and different dishes in restaurants, if you want to go, there is some reason why you shouldn't ("you wouldn't have a good time there anyway")

Appearance - Mate often forgets to wear wedding ring, takes a new interest in clothing and appearance, smells freshly showered at 1:00 am, smells of different, unknown cologne or soap, starts keeping an overnight bag in car or office

Conversation - Talks about subjects never interested in before, use new words and phrases

Odd things found - A gift in the car, a greeting card with love or suggestive writings in it.

You hear "I need some space" or "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you"- "The instinctual nature of the human animal may be such that we bond, as other monogamous species do, to our sexual partner, our mate. Humans have the capacity to survive our mate-if he or she should die, we, unlike some monogamous birds, can recover and find another mate. However, if we mate with others while our partner is still around, we may break the bond that holds the pairing together. WE may, by having affairs, loosen the attachment and "fall out of love" with our partner. It is therefore not that we fall out of love and have affairs, but that we have affairs and fall out of love by breaking an instinctual bond"

You ask -Are you cheating on me? - No. Of course I'm not. Are you crazy? That person that told you that is lying.

You ask- Why are you late?- I had to stop and help a stranded motorist, got a flat tire, became busy at work, went shopping.

You ask- Where were you? Couldn't get hold of you? - My pager wasn't working, was turned off, the battery was dead. My cell phone was turned off.

You ask - Who is this girl you are talking with/going to dinner or lunch with? - She is just a friend. She is a buddy. She has some real problems and has no one to talk to about them except me.

More Signs from The LuvSpy:

Plays more golf or watches other sports-that's good for five or six hours

You find condoms even though you may not be using them with your mate

Mutual friends start acting strangely toward you (They either know about the cheating or have been told stories about what a horrible wife or girlfriend you are, BEWARE: friends and family will help the cheater.

He stops confiding in you and seeking advice from you.

Sets up a new email account and doesn't tell you about it.

He leaves the house in the morning spelling like Irish Spring and returns in the evening smelling like Safeguard.

He refuses to let you take him to the airport when he's leaving town.

Begins to delete all incoming phone calls from Caller ID.

Deletes all incoming emails when they used to accumulate.

He becomes "accusatory" asking if YOU are being true to HIM usually out of guilt.

Raises hypothetical questions such as "Do you think it's possible to love more than one person at a time?

He buys himself new underwear.

He insists that the child seat, toys, and your stuff be kept out of his car.

He stops wearing his wedding ring.

Has a sudden desire to be helpful with the laundry

Has unexplained scratches or bruises on his or her neck or back.

Suddenly wants to try new love techniques.

Supposedly works a lot of overtime but it never shows up on the pay stub.

Picks fights in order to stomp out of the house.

You find out by accident that he or she took a vacation day or personal time off from work- but supposedly worked on those days.

Shows a sudden interest in a different type of music.

Mate’s coworkers are uncomfortable in your presence.

Has a sudden preoccupation with his or her appearance.

Spends an excessive amount of time on the computer, especially after you have gone to bed, but will tell you he is doing work or homework

Suddenly works long hours or weekends and never seems to be at his/her desk to answer the phone. Calls back later with a reason such as "I was working in the conference room where there was more space".

Has lots of "emergency errands" -then comes home empty-handed, saying "They didn't have what I needed. (Side note from the LuvSpy, here-Men will keep something in the trunk or back seat of the car so that they can pull it out to pretend they were shopping).

The telltale sign of a cheating spouse? Having to ask that question in the first place- LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

Luv & Respect,

Dyana Barnes, President

LuvSpy, LLC

I was taking a break from doing tons of paperwork (the downside of the PI Biz) and checked out a TV talk show where once again we were subjected to watching 2-women fighting over a man. Yes, I could have changed the channel but at that moment I knew what I wanted to say to all my sister-friends, girlfriends, and women in general.

We need to unite in the same “take it to the grave” way that most men do. It has always been said that men stick together better than women, and in most cases that is so true. When I was watching these women fighting over this man that cheated on one with the other, (neither of them knew of the other) he just sat back smiling and puffing his chest all out, while the audience was looking at the women like they were at a fight in Vegas, they should have got together and kicked his ass. Why do we do this to each other? Why do we tear each other apart? Why do we disrespect each other, get mad at each other, but we have no problem allowing “our” man to disrespect, betray and take advantage of our loving, and kind nature.

For those of us who are mothers, and those that will one day share in our joy of motherhood, we need to be very mindful of the message we are sending to our kids when we accept the misbehavior of our mates. Society and the media does enough to our kids by sending messages of how they think we should look, how we should dress, what we should be driving, and the type of careers that will make them popular. The last thing they need to be exposed to is us allowing someone to disrespect us. The message we are sending to our daughters is that in order to have and keep a man we need to tolerate betrayal, deceit and sometimes abuse. The message we are sending to our sons is this it is ok to disrespect women because that is what they have seen their mother put up with. I can’t speak for all mothers, but that is not the message I want to send to my son. I want to be the example of how to respect and treat women, granted I may not have any control of how he decides to treat his women, but he will never be able to say that his mother allowed someone (including his father) to disrespect her.

Now back to the subject at hand, allowing and dealing with your cheating mate. Ladies, why do we blame everyone else for our mate cheating, rather then make and hold them responsible for their behavior. The one good thing I got out of watching the TV talk show, was that when the “girlfriend” started going after the “other-woman” the host stopped her quick, and reminded her that the other woman owed her nothing, they knew nothing of each other, and the only person who owed her anything, like the truth, was “her-man”. But as in most cases the woman only heard what she wanted to hear, she felt it was the “other-woman’s” fault for her man cheating on her, that the “other woman” convinced her man to stray, like she had him under some kind of spell. Ladies, please stop this type of behavior, we only end up looking like a bunch of dumb-asses.

As someone who was the other woman (I didn’t know until she called my home) I would never co-sign something like that because I have been a wife, and I am a mother, but more importantly I am a woman first, and as a woman I would not purposely get involved with someone else’s man. That’s bad karma. I don’t have to, and neither do most women if they sit back and take a deep breath, and realize that they deserve and should demand to be treated, at the very least, with respect, which by the way is not something you have to earn, but something that should be given from the get-go. I understand no one wants to be alone, and some people would rather have a bad-man, then no-man. Your worth is not measured by how well “you stand by your man” by allowing yourself to be disrespected time and time again, but in how much you respect yourself, take a stand for what you believe in and keep your head up at all times, even when your alone. I am a big believer in we attract what we give off, so if your acting like you don’t respect yourself, then you will end up with someone that does not respect you.

Just like we have people that prey on children, or rape women, you have men that will look for women with low-self esteem, they may be insecure about themselves, therefore more willing to put up with crap just to keep a man. There are men (not all) that purposely choose a woman based on the fact that she will decide to have no life outside of the relationship, he has become the center of her universe, she spends very little time with friends or family, her whole world becomes him and she then becomes the “Stepford Wife”. Why are you selling your soul to the devil for a promise of change, and maybe even a ring, but of course that only comes after you have proven your worth by allowing yourself to be mistreated. Putting in the time, hoping he will change or you can love him enough to make him change, going thru the honeymoon period, and then many years and many woman later you find out he has not changed. If you choose to put up with this type of behavior then know what you are dealing with and why you are selling yourself so short for a dollar and a dream. But keep hope alive.

Another thing that bothers me in my business as a PI, I get tons of calls from both men and woman who only want the information on the other person. I have turned down clients because their whole focus was to find out about and compare themselves to the “other-person” in their mate’s life. It really gets on my nerve when I hear women referring to other woman as Bitches, and how much better they are then the other woman, or co-signing with their man when they sit up there and call all their ex’s Bitches, crazy, whores, and anything else they have to say to make their woman feel better about themselves. Ladies, really do you need to speak down and bad about another woman in order to make yourself feel better about being with a man that has disrespected you? Does it make you feel better about yourself when he calls a woman out of her name; mind you he was born of a woman. Ask yourself this, did he think she was a Bitch or crazy when he was laying with her, and keeping it from you? How long before you become one of the ex’s when he is referring to you as the crazy bitch? Do you really know what he was saying to her about you? Oh my bad, your different, how many times has he said that to you, or you said it to yourself? Ladies stop this please; it is only tearing us apart.

Girlfriends I want to close by saying the following, there are two things that no matter how much you love him, no matter how much you spend of your hard earned money, how well you keep house, cook your butt off, sex anytime, anyplace, anyway, the 2 things you will never control, is what he is really thinking, and what and whom is really in his heart. Thoughts and feelings are the only things we own outright. No payments, No layaways. You know that “old-wives” tale.

Why do people cheat? If you’ve ever been in a relationship where people cheat, or seen someone cheat on a friend, this is a question you will have asked. The answer is simple, but somewhat disturbing. There are two reasons why people cheat. People cheat because they can, and they cheat because there are minimal consequences.

We are so used to rationalizing away problems, that when someone cheats on us, we blame it on stress, circumstances, the person they cheated with, and most frequently ourselves. When responsibility lies with so many things other than the person who cheated, it’s easy for a Cheater to get away with cheating again and again. The blame for cheating lies not with the person who tempted your partner away, nor in the circumstances that stressed them out. For your partner to cheat, they need to make the choice to cheat. At one point, they need to make the choice that they would rather seek excitement with someone else than work to keep a relationship with you exciting. They need to make a choice that it is easier to find someone else to fulfill their needs than to communicate them to you. That choice isn’t the fault of anyone but the person who cheated.

I won’t deny that problems in the relationship can lead to cheating, but the actual possibility of cheating is what leads people to do it. We are a culture of people seeking immediate gratification, but we are involved in relationships where the real goal is long-term happiness. With everyone being so polite and respectful of each other’s feelings and ‘personal space’, Cheaters often aren’t even confronted. All a Cheater has to do is act offended, and the accusations are withdrawn. If I had a nickel for every lame-ass excuse I heard a Cheater get away with, I could put Donald Trump to shame.

We bring two-faced logic into our relationships. Many people will get involved with people in relationships. The idea is, so long as the ‘other person’ is the one who is cheating, it’s alright. People accept and encourage cheating in so many more ways. Players, who are just looking for a short-term physical fix, are idolized in many ways instead of being villain zed. We need to stop helping the cheaters and the players. They get away with what they do because we all help them.

The fact that cheating usually has minimal consequences is another reason why people do so. With all of the rationalizing and justifying that goes on, the cheaters can often stay in the relationships with the person that they cheated on. Cheaters want to have the security of their relationship while still having the freedom to play the field. You need to make sure that the cheaters know they can only have one or the other.

So, stop making excuses for the people who cheat, and stop making it easier for them to do so. No one likes to be cheated on. If you stop letting people get away without feeling the consequences of their actions, then the cheaters and the players will finally stop hurting people like you.

Hello ladies, let me introduce myself, my name is /Dyana Barnes, from NYC, NY. The “Love Detective”. I am a PI specializing in Domestic Investigations. I hope to enlighten everyone not only with my on the job tips, but with my own personal experience.

You see, I hired a PI to do some work for me, when someone I was dating was cheating with me on their significant other. Because of this women’s own jealousy and insecurities got the better of her, she called my home at 230 in the morning. What made this hurt worse was the man was my first love from 20yrs ago, and we had not had any contact over the last 20yrs, and bumped into each one summer, and rekindled our old romance.

What shocked and amazed me was that this could happen to me, and educated, beautiful, professional woman. At that point I took matters into my own hands, and I want you all to do the same, I did not get mad, honey I got even. My issue was not with the women, because she did not know of me, nor did I know of her, if anything she should have been more upset because she was here first, but that was her problem. I was very thankful to this woman, and I even told her so.

It was then that I hired the PI, and did a lot of the work myself, because my hurt and anger wanted to release it’s self. I dug up a lot of crap on this man, stuff he now wishes I never knew. I talked to a bunch of ex’s from over the last 20yrs, I got pictures and yes ladies, the naked ones, I did surveillance and took pictures of him with other women (not her anymore). I got financial information, criminal information, you name it, and I found it. And what I was not able to get I hired the PI to find out for me. He was so impressed with what I had been able to do; he referred me to get my training and the education that I needed to obtain my license. I am a CPA by training and education, now I have a new career, thanks to this woman’s phone call to my home.

I am choosing to share the secrets of my trade with other women because I think it is important that we all know who we are dealing with at all times.

I am currently putting together seminars for women to educate & assist them with how to check out their mates and dates. So ladies I offer you this, trust your gut, always second-guess what you doubt, but be ready to accept the truth and always, and I mean always keep the upper-hand.

If you would like to see further information on what I do and how I do it, in the form of newsletters, seminars, advice, questions ECT. Please don’t hesitate to contact me, look out for the launch of my website, by Spring 2005 with further information. In the meantime email me with your questions or anything you may want to know about checking out your mate or date.